(Closed) BF is still nagging me about living together!

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
656 posts
Busy bee

egb well said. I completely agree!

Post # 18
3441 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think he needs to step up to the plate if he wants you to be in his life forever. I might not be the best person to ask because I refused to more in with my bf before he made a solid commitment and then when were engaged I decided to move home and safe for a house lol. I never wanted to be someone’s maybe. I don’t think you are wrong by wanting him to make a commitment to you before you make one to him and if he has the money then what is he waiting for. If he know he is going to do it in 2 months, then why not do it now and if he wants to wait the two months then you should stand your ground and wait the two months to move in. Just keep doing what you want and makes you feel comfortable, never bend for something you don’t believ in.

Post # 19
1837 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Personally, I wouldn’t move in with a guy til we’re married. I know some people are ok with it while dating, others are ok with it when enaged…. so it all depends on what you’re ok with. Don’t go against what you believe thou. Don’t let him move in with you if you’re not ok with it. That may cause guilt & resentment.

I’d say, talk with him soon & tell him you’re not pressuring him into becoming engaged. You’re not “using” it as a way to get him to propose & that you’re just personally not ok with living with someone until you are engaged.

Post # 20
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think that living together is defiately something that most people should do.  It doesn’t matter if you spend every second together and spend the nights together and the only thing you do is keep your clothing and belongings at your own residence- when you move in together it is COMPLETELY different, and some it works for and some it doesn’t.

I personally don’t think that being proposed to is a reason to then move in together, engagements can be called off- but the big overall picture is weather or not you two can handle getting through the rough times and fights that are inevitably going to happen- having a ring on your finger is no indication that it’s a great reason to move in and that everything is goign to be ok. I think that you need to emerce yourself in the kind of life and how things will be when you get married

Post # 21
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I have to agree that moving in is clutch.  My SO and I have been together for 2 years and have lived together for 7 months now and are just now starting to talk about getting married since we know that we can handle life together (things like who does the cooking/cleaning/shopping/bill paying/etc.  I could never committ myself to someone if I didn’t know I would be able to live with them.  Obviously not everyone shares this opinion, but it has been amazing for our relationship to see each other in this different situation. 

However, moving in or not aside, I would not give him an ultimatim about time, if I were you.  Think about how you would feel if he was to do the same to you. 

Post # 23
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@mishelleez: it really depends on each couple… I was with someone for 6 years without it leading anywhere but us living together and the relationship lasted way longer than it should have because it’s so hard to break up when you live together, you drag it longer to try to salvage it.
Dated my husband for 18 months before we decided to get engaged, got engaged, THEN moved in with him, planned our wedding, got married. We’re very happy.

I got to know him very fast because we’re both very authentic individuals and were both at a point in our lives where we wanted to be in a committed relationship with our life partner. We knew what we were looking for in a partner and what would make or break; and found that we were compatible by spending ALL our time together, but without sharing rent and address until we were certain that we were in it for life.

All that to say, living together is not necessary for everyone, especially if you spend basically all your time together – you know the person and their habits. And depending on where you are in life, it can take one year or it can take 5 years to be ready, that really depends on each couple.

Post # 24
345 posts
Helper bee

My BF and I live together. We have been living together for 1 year and we have been together for 5 years (on May 18th). We are not engaged but he did buy a ring so I know it’s coming soon. it was his idea to move in together before getting engaged so I compromised and said if we are going to live together and not be engaged I would like to get engaged within a year of us living together or soon after, I dont think that you should break up with him but i think you should give a stern talking to.

Post # 25
33 posts
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think if you’re uncomfortable moving in with him, don’t do it.

I, personally, don’t have any problem with a couple living together before they’re engaged/married. I moved in with my Fiance when we were still dating and he proposed about three months afterwards.

That being said my previous relationship lasted 5 years, we lived together for 4 and we never even talking about engagement/marriage. But that wasn’t because we lived toghether, it was because our relationship wasn’t working as it should have been.

Post # 26
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think living together before being engaged can work out if you sit down and have an honest dicussion about your expectations– long before you sign a lease or start packing. Months before J and I moved in, I told him in no uncertain terms that I did not view living together as something I was willing to do long term, and that I wouldn’t hesistate to move out if I didn’t feel like things were moving in a good direction. I’m not suggesting that you threaten him– just make very clear what your needs and expectations are, so there’s no confusion or bombshell moments down the line. Good luck!

Post # 27
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

i dont know if this is a possible solution, but is he already living in the place he wants you to move into? because if so, could you move in, and have the opportunity to move out whenever you wanted?

i lived with a previous boyfriend and agree that when we broke up, it was more difficult than had we not lived together. however, living together is what broke up up. i realized a lot of things about him and our relationship that would have taken a lot longer to notice had we not lived together. we *may* have gotten married had we not lived together and would probably be divorced just a few years later.

fast forward to current fiance. he moved into my tiny tiny one bedroom apartment last july/august. he was over there ALL THE TIME anyway, lived with a roommate, and decided he would rather put his stuff in storage, and pay me rent. i was okay with this because i could kick him out whenever i wanted, since i knew money wouldn’t be an issue (yes, i was actually this blunt with him!). worked out just fine (never actually wanted to kick him out), and we were engaged 7 months after this. i think it would have taken HIM longer to propose had we not moved in together because he wanted experience day by day life with me and see how it went. however, we were not “testing” the waters or anything like that, we had a long discussion that this relationship was heading towards marriage and we were both on the same path. we just weren’t ready to be “engaged” without living together. he needed the security of having lived with me day-by-day to want to ask me to marry him.

only time i’ve ever wanted to kick him out is when he leaves the seat up in the middle of the night.

Post # 28
656 posts
Busy bee

My So lives in Pittsburgh and we just celebrated our 10 month anniversary yesterday. We keep talking about me moving to Pittsburgh which I want to do, but I refuse to do it until I have a ring. I would do the same even if he was here. I wouldnt move unless there is a ring involved… I lived with a dude for 4 years and when I realized he never intended on marrying me,. I ended it. Best decision I ever made.

Post # 29
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Dont do it til there’s a ring on it! I live with my BF and have for a while, long before I thought about marriage. However, I sometimes think that I would have been engaged by now if we didnt live together..stay strong and get engaged first!!

Post # 30
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

To me the key here is _why_ does he think he’ll propose faster if you move in?  If he said “I don’t want to get engaged without living together first” then that would be one thing.  Everyone has different ideas about if living together before being engaged is necessary, no big deal, or a terrible idea, and there are valid points to be made on all sides.  But I don’t get why is he saying that will speed things along?  Either he won’t propose without it (doesn’t sound like the case) or he doesn’t think it’s critical, but either way how does living together make a difference?  You’ve said it’s not financial, so I really don’t get where he could be coming from.  You should find out what he meant by that, because honestly it’s sounding a little like he’s just trying to tempt you into moving in.  He wants the benefits of living together and is just trying to talk you into it by saying you’ll get what you want (a proposal) faster if he gets what he wants.  Proposals aren’t barganing chips, and I hope I’m reading too much into this, but I think it’s worthwhile to find out what he meant.  I also love his “while we wait for me to propose” comment – like he’s just a curious bystander with no control over it!

Post # 31
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

We chose to live together b/c it worked for us. But if it’s really important to you not to live with someone until you are engaged or married, I don’t think you should throw that away for a 2 month promise. If he plans on proposing after 2 months of living together, he can propose to you in 2 months in your own apartment. I know that he could want to figure out if you’re compatible living together, but this is a compromise he’ll have to make if he wants to have you as his wife someday!

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