BF just found out he has a baby coming…

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

You won’t be a second string parent unless the mother wants you to be.  Regardless of your feelings about your boyfriend, you aren’t his wife.  Plenty of women are straight up going to veto solo time, “stepmom” titles etc with daddy’s Girlfriend. You need to be prepared to have no relationship with this child until/ unless you’re living together or his wife.  

Your boyfriend doesn’t need to consider your feelings about his child. Nor does the child’s mother.  You may have no place in his parenting decisions. 

Just let it go. Friends w benefit + mother of his child = drama and unfinished business.

You sound very kind and understanding. Why not find a guy in a less complicated situation?

Post # 47
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I feel bad for this baby – two parents who NEVER wanted kids and a mom who doesn’t believe in adoption. Also I would be cautious about a relationship with someone who refuses to get married, if that’s something you want for yourself. He might benefit from some counseling. So might you.

Post # 48
Member
450 posts
Helper bee

My fear would be he sees the baby and

1- tries to make it work with the Mom so she can have the kid on base with him 

2- falls for the Mom seeing her with the kid

Post # 49
Member
9245 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

coffeecakez :  If he has a custody agreement he can certainly introduce OP to his child on his time. They don’t need to be living together to have a serious relationship. Plenty of people don’t live together for various reasons before marriage.

Post # 50
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Westwood :  He certainly can. The mom may not mind. If the mom does mind (and we’ve all seen it happen), the decision to be a bonus parent or have a relationship with the child will be made between the father and mother.  I’m only pointing out that OPs assumption that she’ll have a place in this child’s life is far from a certainty.  

 

Post # 51
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

coffeecakez :  If they have shared custody, it doesn’t matter how the mom feels or what she wants. The father can chose to have whoever he wants around his child, provided he is not putting the kid in danger. My SO didn’t consult with his ex before deciding to introduce me into his childrens’ lives, that was a decision he and I made together.

Post # 52
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I agree with other posters, just leave. It’s only been 8 months, and it can’t exactly be an ideal relationship for you anyway to be with someone who has so many issues (may not all be his fault but still), regardless of how nice he is to you. There are plenty of nice guys out there who will want to get married and won’t have a baby with a random woman on the way.

Post # 53
Member
589 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

The baby (and the shady details on that) wouldn’t even be the issue for me. My issue would be that he never even intends to marry again. That would be all it took to end it. Add in this other drama and a lifelong committment to be a parent to a child he will only sporadically see, and that’s just too much.

Things will change dramatically once the baby is here. She’ll latch on to any attention he’ll give him, he’ll feel guilty, and you are going to get pushed out. You already know he doesn’t consider you worthy enough to be his wife (and that’s his fuck up, not yours.) This is not going to be the picture perfect blended family like they show on TV.

And the mere fact that you aren’t sure the relationship is worth it, tells you it isn’t. When it is, you never have to wonder.

Post # 54
Member
2632 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Mal_Adjusted : I suspect he’s known about the baby for awhile but withheld the info…  Guard your heart,  there’s much more to her, the baby, this story in general.   Given this, and his stance that he won’t marry you, I would strongly consider bailing now.  I’m sorry,  not what you want to hear. 

Post # 55
Member
589 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Also, not to “victimize” but any time you have unprotected sex, you are purposefully  running the risk of getting pregnant. Just like anytime you are driving drunk, you are purposefully choosing to murder someone with your vehicle.

Don’t want babies? Don’t have unprotected sex. Period.

Post # 56
Member
9573 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

jacksspade :  This is what my money is on. I think it’ll be a combination of the two.

Post # 57
Member
10431 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Mal_Adjusted :  

Ok, I’ll defend the mom here. Many years ago, when my friend was 18, she was a petite, small town girl, all alone in LA. Kids were the last thing on her mind.

She noticed one day that she had a little pooch in her belly; the thought disappeared quickly. I now understand exactly how this works. When I was on Synthroid, and my hair fell out, I could look at massive amounts of hair in the sink, and it just did not consciously register. “Oh, yeah. A little daily hair loss is normal “.

My friend was pregnant and didn’t realize it until she was six months along.

It’s a lesson in the power of denial.

And I have had quite enough of the:  My divorce destroyed me, I’ll never get married again bullshit. Allow me to do some myth busting. Everyone’s divorces suck. Even those who are fortunate enough to end things amicably suffer feelings of loss and sadness. Divorce is a a thoroughly wretched experience. Yet, statistically, most of us try again (80% in the US, per 2014 Pew data), and usually in less than four years.

If you monitor these guys (not recommended), it’s rather amazing how often these marriage phobes end up engaged to someone else within six months of your breakup.

Everyone, please hold your applause on his assurances that he wants to do the right thing and support his child. More bullshit. He has absolutely no say in whether he supports that baby or not. The military will make certain he pays support, right out of his paychecks.

And, Bee, Dear One. Your total time spent with this guy pencils out to three months, if my math is correct (not my best skill).  It’s too soon to even be discussing exclusivity, let alone an incredibly awkward instafamily with a virtual stranger. You know so very little about your bf, his life or his family.

My suggestion would be that you spend some time talking to stepmoms; we have lots right here. Ask them what it’s like. You will likely find that it’s very hard, even when you know your partner well and are crazy in love with him and his child. It’s mostly thankless. With very young children, it’s grueling work to care for someone else’s child. And to put up with the ever present ex.

But, not to worry, one day they turn into teenagers and the real drama kicks in.

Many women find the role of stepmom to be enormously rewarding. But, I doubt that many would call it easy.

Nowhere in your post did I read anything about feelings of anger and resentment at being put in this position. It would be quite normal to feel that way, Bee.

Post # 58
Member
11628 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

The truth is, you hardly know this man. You dated briefly a while ago and have only been together for three months out of the eight since you got back together. And this baby will change everything.

I don’t think anyone here is being too harsh. Even before this bombshell, there were warning signs. He’s been married before but she and her family screwed him so he will not marry you. Nice. 

Also, if all this is true and the ex FWB really is the kind of person to avoid disclosing news that your boyfriend had every right to know for all these months, then that goes to her character. Your homey, loving fantasies of casseroles and a cooperative, supportive relationship between you may be only in your dreams.

On the other hand, if your boyfriend has known about this for some time, then that pretty much says it all. I don’t think his mood change at Christmas necessarily means that’s when he first heard. Rather he could just have been getting nervous that the birth was imminent. One thing that’s obvious from the way he behaved towards you at Christmas is his stress was not about his fear of losing you. 

IMO you’d be crazy to stay. 

Post # 59
Member
3517 posts
Sugar bee

Wait, I’m confused because there are so many bees trying to turn this into a lifetime movie. Have you met this ex-FWB since this all came out? Or ever? I would start there. Get a feel for her intentions. Heck you may even like her. I would think that would help with whether or not you truly could move forward in a situation where she could be heavily involved in the rest of your life. 

Post # 60
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Way too much to unpack here, OP. You don’t just have a boyfriend with a baby on the way, although that might seem like the most dramatic thing, it’s not.

 

1. You have a boyfriend who has told you he never wants to marry again. That is his right, but I would find his reasoning suspicious. Sure, there are people that are absolute turds to their partners, and are mainly to blame for a breakup of a marriage. That said, I am highly, HIGHLY skeptical of the “woe is me, my ex is so awful, she screwed me out of everything” song and dance. Not saying it’s impossible, I am saying, statistically, the vast majority of people who say that are not being 100% honest about how things really went down. And the vast majority of that vast majority also have partners, family members, and friends who believe when their guy says it, he’s telling the truth.

 

2. He is military and as others have pointed out, his stance on marriage is problematic for his partner, even if in a normal world she wouldn’t mind being unmarried.

 

3. You don’t really know him that well. You may think you do, but you don’t. You know what he chooses to share with you, and he hasn’t been around you long enough for you to see all the things on your own that he hasn’t chosen to share with you.

 

I can tell you’re leaning towards riding this out and seeing where it goes. It may end up well for you, but I suspect, based on what we already know, you will look back and wish you had left. I think there are too many red flags flying around 8 months in.

 

 

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