BF just found out he has a baby coming…

posted 9 months ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee

How do you even know your relationship with this guy is going to last? Baby on the way or not. It sounds like you’re trying to make a decision about all of this as if you are his wife. You are lucky you’re not, so just cut your losses and move on.

Post # 62
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Not that it makes a huge difference to OP, but since some people have been doubting the idea that the ex-FWB wouldn’t be showing because she’s small: it may not be as likely, but I know a very thin woman who barely showed during both her pregnancies. It was so weird. I’m on the smaller side as well, and at 7 months pregnant she looked how I look after eating a big lunch. Maybe even smaller! I swear that’s not an exaggeration. So it might not be common, but it is possible. 

 

But yeah, this seems like way too much drama for an 8-month LDR. 

Post # 63
Member
35 posts
Newbee

Everything I want to say has been covered, so I’ll stick with this— I am not a fan of the amount of bees who are jumping to, “she tricked him to get pregnant on purpose, she’s in love with him and wants to steal him from you,” and the amount of likes these posts have.

You know nothing about this girl. This is not a soap opera. People are dumbasses about protection sometimes, and while I don’t buy that she didn’t know until eight months, there could be other explanations. The one that comes to mind is that she pushed off telling him out of fear, and reached for an excuse.

Post # 64
Member
660 posts
Busy bee

I haven’t read the other poster’s comments – but I was literally in the same situation as you but with a few differences:

I was with the guy and he already had a 1 year old with his baby mama. 2 months in he finds out she’s pregnant (conceived before we dated). She also had issues – Endo and PCOS and the idiots didn’t realize if they can concieve one they can another. I stayed. WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.

He is going to have a newborn and your life will be thrown into being a stepmom to a newborn. Trust me, this is soooooo hard. Eseentially you will be living the life as a new mom without being the mother (that’s if the baby stays with you weekends or whatever). Then he will be constantly with her for doctor’s appointments and of course for all the firsts and be in constant communication with her.

It’s great he wants to be there and support his child, but the amount of stress and it’s 100% going to change your relationship. You will no longer be a priority and this child will be (as it should be).

Then if he’s over there with her – he has a history with her. The history he told you may not be true. You will always be left wondering what is going on if he’s there alone with her.

In my situation – when my ex was over with his baby mama ‘for the kids’, half the time he was cheating.

2 years later the baby mama is pregnant again with a 3rd – she thought it was her boyfriends at the time. Baby is born and 5 months later, her and the boyfriend breakup and he asked for a paternity test and it WASN’T HIS. Guess who the father was? Yup! It was my ex’s. He knew for 2 days, and when I came home to my apartment (he was living there), all his stuff was gone and he left (thank goodness).

It’s only 8 months, and you may love him but you are setting yourself up for a lot of unecessary stress and worry and turmoil.

I am also child free by choice and thought I could handle it but I couldn’t.

You are also still young and can find someone who doesn’t have these issues and who you will love and be happy with and even get married to.

It may hurt initially but trust me, you will be better off. I was hurt but then reality set in and it was such a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders and I am thankful that relationship ended.

Post # 65
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Mal_Adjusted :  Look, I get it. Everyone is saying all this is too much drama to deal with in an 8 month relationship (and I agree), but I understand where you’re coming from. My now husband and I had already decided to get married by 8 months and had already picked out the ring (we were also long distance for 7 months of that). Darling Husband proposed 2 months after that. So, I understand that even if you’re long distance and have only been together 8 months, you may have already decided he’s the one and you’re already in love. 

Despite saying all of that, if it were me, I’d bail. This situation is only going to get more messy, and as the girlfriend, not the wife, you won’t be a stepmom to this child – especially since physically he won’t be able to be present due to his job. However, the main effect you’ll feel is financial. If you ever live with your boyfriend and share finances, the impact you’ll see is child support. So, be prepared that for the next 18 years (or as long as you date your SO), your boyfriend will be supporting a child that you rarely, if ever, see. 

Are you okay with that?

Post # 66
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee

He’s known about the baby for a long time. I don’t care how small you carry, you gotta know something’s up by 6-7 months. So he’s known since at least November. He’s likely known about the baby for longer than that. Hence the “I don’t want to remarry” talk. He knew he had a baby on the way, knew there was going to be a major reckoning when he finally HAD to tell you, and so he’s kept things very simple/easy by entirely taking marriage off the table.

He only told you when he did because he HAD to, because it’s almost here. 

I would NOPE tf out of this entire situation.

You mentioned in one of your updates that you have a habit of “toughing” out shit situations.

Well, that’s a terrible habit. You don’t have to prove to yourself you’re a good person by martyring yourself and “making lemonade out of lemons.” Stop doing that. Stop thinking that way. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. And you shouldn’t have to prove yourself to your self.

You want your fairytale? Go get your fairytale. 

You can’t get a fairytale if you’re busy martyring yourself to irresponsible, emotionally unavailable guys and the unwanted, illegitimate babies they stupidly make with their fuck buddies.

Post # 67
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

Mal_Adjusted :  I am not all that familiar with the military, but the friends I know in it seem to get married sooner because that is the only way to get certain housing or be relocated with their significant other. Are you okay being long distance your whole life, or dropping everything to move for a guy? Honestly, how is this supposed to work out long term? I get his past marriage, but that can be solved with a prenup. 

I also feel like this isnt the whole story. You said they were friends right? I would assume somehow I would find out one of my friends was 8 months pregnant… 

Post # 68
Member
751 posts
Busy bee

So the first things that pop into my head through reading all of this….

If you haven’t already, get tested for STIs

If he’s stationed away for a year that means while he’s gone -unless you develop a personal relationship with the child’s mother then you won’t be seeing that kid at all. 

No matter where he’s stationed, a good chunk of his pay cheque is going to that child. For 18 years…

Being unmarried to a military member gives you 0 rights to anything in the eyes of the military. The fact that he says he doesn’t want to marry is a big red flag. 

Youre still in the ‘honeymoon’ phase of your relationship things are supposed to still be sunshine and rainbows. This is not. Take off the rose coloured glasses. You sound like a very caring person but I’d think long and hard about how messy this is going to get when you see that you’re 2nd fiddle to baby and it’s mother. 

Post # 69
Member
12121 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

If he thinks his ex wife “got everything” the good news is he’ll soon be proven wrong. Child support doesn’t care about your lifestyle. 

And on top of that, he’s going to be out of town for another year. Why are you even thinking of doing this to yourself? 

Post # 70
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

The biggest thing is that you can’t really have a life with this man if he plans on having a military career and not marrying you. Add in the child and the ex. It’s not a good setup. You’ve haven’t been together very long, so even though it hurts, it’s best to move on.

Post # 71
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

sassy411 :  Many women find the role of stepmom to be enormously rewarding. But, I doubt that many would call it easy.

I find it partially rewarding and almost never easy LOL– just being honest! And not because of my stepkid, but because of the adults involved.

OP– this is a lot. A lot a lot. I’m not going to guess as to what the FWB is feeling or what she may/ may not do. No one here knows, and my guess, if he’s telling the truth, is that she doesn’t want to be with him romantically.

But let me tell you– she will want money, a lot of it, and a hefty amount of his military benefits like insurance coverage, tax returns, etc. 

Whatever financial future you two have together, will need to HEAVILY factor her in. And trust me, the only role worse than stepmom at times is “dads girlfriend”. 

You will have no real rights, no say, no guarantees of any real relationship with the child. I agree with a PP that the mom can’t keep you from the kid when it’s dad’s parenting time, but she can make it much harder for you 3 to establish a good routine. A common piece of modern day parenting plans is not letting anyone of the opposite sex spend the night when the non custodial parent has their parenting time. That can easily mean on weekends he has his child, you have to find somewhere else to stay. There’s all sorts of these little caveats that they will need to hash out once the baby is here that you’ll want to consider.

Post # 72
Member
6171 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Mal_Adjusted :  It sounds like he makes up a lot of justifications for narrowing his life based on past experiences which makes me question what kind of person he will be after 5, 10, 20 years together. 

The sudden baby isn’t an insurmountable hurdle to overcome in a relationship. A partner who contracts in the fact of painful experiences absolutely is, though. So . . . I’d probably be on my way out unless I saw some serious growth in him. 8 months is a short amount of time to be making these kinds of significant commitments to someone who seems to have been attempting to protect himself by avoiding major life commmitments.

Also- him not wanting to get remarried as a result of a past marriage is . . .eh. Maybe get therapy. Him not becoming a parent because his own father left is also, -eh. kind of ridiculous to me but whatever. The two of them together (and the fact that he’s got you believing the forward momentum of your relationship is justifiably curtailed because of these traumas of his) sounds like mabe he should look into getting some therapy. He restricts his life experiences because of things that have happened to him (that aren’t unique or unheard of, either- a big chunk of the population is walking around with those exact same wounds, doing life and trying again- he’s not special).

Post # 73
Member
9828 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I wonder if she maybe didn’t actually tell him about the baby until later in the pregnancy so that he wouldn’t try to pressure her into an abortion.

I bet there is more to their past relationship as well. I.E. dated or something. 

Wait, are we 100% sure he isn’t still dating this girl? 

Post # 74
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

TwilightRarity :  Brilliant advice well articulated.

The only thing I would add, OP, is that this “I didn’t know I was pregnant” story stinks to high heaven. The three most plausible scenarios are that your boyfriend is full of it and has known for a long time, the baby mama has some kind of psychological disorder that has kept her in denial all this time, or she has known and has been testing the waters with multiple potential fathers to see who took the bait. Maybe Plan A, B, C fell through and she’s finally gotten to him on the potential child support list. 

Either way, if you decide you’re in this for the long haul, you are attaching your happiness to a defective person (or persons). Someone in this FWB arrangement either has a problem with integrity or sanity and the character of your SO’s baby mama has a lot to do with your future happiness. She will have tremendous power over your boyfriend in that she can withhold his kid from h anytime he doesn’t jump high enough to please her. If she were a good person, you might be able to make this work, but it seems like there’s too much risk of her abusing her power. Do you really want to sign up for a life with a man who is constantly dancing for someone else?

Post # 75
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

aclockworklilac :  someone in this FWB arrangement either has a problem with integrity or sanity and the character of your SO’s baby mama has a lot to do with your future happiness

whhhaattt??? People can have FWB and still have integrity. I hope I am just reading that part wrong and you’re not calling her character into question because she had consensual sex with a person and they both deemed did not make them a part of an exclusive relationship.

It was stupid to not use protection– but the scarlett lettering of the woman in this thread is kind of disturbing.

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