- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
Mal_Adjusted : I was in a conversation once with a few friends about an unhealthy/difficult relationship another one of our friends was in. We all went back and forth about how even though circumstances were hard, they LOVED each other so much, that we just couldn’t reconcile the idea they shouldn’t try to work it out.
Then someone said something that really struck me; you don’t have to be with everyone you love.
I’m not going to get into the particulars of your situation too much; I think it’s really hard to know what really happened. I think you probably don’t have all the information, but even if you did, it might not actually make things any clearer or easier. I’m not totally sure this issue is even the thing you should be focusing on, with regard to continuing this relationship.
At issue here – to my estimation – is that even though the situation has a lot of difficulties and drawbacks, part of you is overlooking them because you think this is the best you can hope for. You mention that you have your own baggage; the implication here is that you shouldn’t expect or deserve a relationship free of the kinds of challenges and compromises this one presents.
I’ve been in several LDRs and one of the things that was true of all of them is that things were WONDERFUL between the Boyfriend or Best Friend and I until things started to get more “real life”y. When you only see each other under pre-planned and idealized circumstances, it’s very easy for both people to put forward their best face. Thier company manners, if you will.
Apart from being apart there doesn’t seem to be anything keeping the two of you from being perfectly happy. In reality, you can’t possibly know that, since you aren’t confronted with the less-than-ideal things that usually only pop up during the everyday, commonplace life you can lead only when someone is in your life, well, everyday.
Being apart makes it exceptionally easy to hide things from each other. Be that a personality trait or undesirable circumstance. It also makes it very easy to tell yourself those things don’t matter, because they aren’t confronting you every day.
I think that even though you may love this person, this may be an instance where being with him might not be for the best. As others have pointed out, having a life-long relationship with him would require a HUGE degree of compromise and self-sacrifice. And you are contemplating this for someone you haven’t had the opportunity to experience a traditional relationship experience with.
I know it’s hard to end a relationship with someone you still love. I have done it, and it was legitimately the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done. It was the RIGHT thing, but it wasn’t what I WANTED to do. I just grew to understand that we didn’t want and need the same things out of life, and there was no way to reconcile that.
You might not be ready to make that choice right now. That’s understandable. I would just urge you to think carefully about how you want your future to look. What kind of career, partnership, and home life are you really hoping for? Can and will this person provide you with those things? Or are you trying to tell yourself you don’t WANT them, because you know he can’t, but don’t want to lose him?
Good luck; this sounds totally heartbreaking. You deserve better, no matter what your past might be.