BF just found out he has a baby coming…

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 76
Member
283 posts
Helper bee

Oh, I see how that could be misinterpreted. The FWB is not the problem. My gut feeling based on the timing is that she is using the OP’s boyfriend as a back-up baby daddy because perhaps the real dad wouldn’t take responsibility or doesn’t earn much or something. That seems like a more likely event that actually not knowing that you were 8 months pregnant. And if she’s not being honest about the possibility that he is not the dad, she’s a bad person. Nothing wrong with having multiple partners if you aren’t cheating, but you should be upfront about that fact when you get pregnant. fromatoz :  

 

Post # 77
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It doesn’t really matter, I guess, whether the woman knew she was pregnant earlier than what this guy said she knew, but I am sick to death of people using “I thought I was infertile” as an excuse to be irresponsible. I don’t believe any doctor in the world would tell a woman she couldn’t get pregnant with PCOS, if she was even officially diagnosed with that in the first place. Also- since they weren’t exclusive, all the more reason to use protection. It’s not just for contraception. But, what’s done is done.

 

 

I can buy, however, the possibility that she really did wait to tell him because she thought he’d accuse her of lying about being infertile in the first place.

 

I mean, that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have slapped on a condom regardless, but given his animosity towards his ex wife, it stands to reason he’d try and shift 100% of the blame of an unwanted pregnancy on the woman who told him she couldn’t get pregnant. Based on what little has been posted, sounds like the boyfriend isn’t too interested in holding himself accountable for poor decisions.

 

Post # 78
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

fromatoz :  The scarlet letter thing I’ll grant, but I think she deserves a side eye for having unprotected sex when she said (per the OP’s boyfriend, which I guess could be a questionable source) she doesn’t want kids but also doesn’t “believe in” adoption or abortion. This kid deserves better.

Post # 79
Member
2006 posts
Buzzing bee

Tatum :  Well yeah– its dumb AF for both of them to be so cavalier in regards to not using protection. But let’s be honest, they’re not the first or last people to have an “oops baby”, people can use bad judgment and still be decent people. It’s definitely a stupid, costly mistake on both of their parts– but I’m not jumping to she’s some sinister harlot who has all these baby daddys lined up and is cashing in on the highest earning one just yet.

Post # 80
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

Mal_Adjusted :  I was in a conversation once with a few friends about an unhealthy/difficult relationship another one of our friends was in. We all went back and forth about how even though circumstances were hard, they LOVED each other so much, that we just couldn’t reconcile the idea they shouldn’t try to work it out.

Then someone said something that really struck me; you don’t have to be with everyone you love. 

I’m not going to get into the particulars of your situation too much; I think it’s really hard to know what really happened. I think you probably don’t have all the information, but even if you did, it might not actually make things any clearer or easier. I’m not totally sure this issue is even the thing you should be focusing on, with regard to continuing this relationship. 

At issue here – to my estimation – is that even though the situation has a lot of difficulties and drawbacks, part of you is overlooking them because you think this is the best you can hope for. You mention that you have your own baggage; the implication here is that you shouldn’t expect or deserve a relationship free of the kinds of challenges and compromises this one presents. 

I’ve been in several LDRs and one of the things that was true of all of them is that things were WONDERFUL between the Boyfriend or Best Friend and I until things started to get more “real life”y. When you only see each other under pre-planned and idealized circumstances, it’s very easy for both people to put forward their best face. Thier company manners, if you will. 

Apart from being apart there doesn’t seem to be anything keeping the two of you from being perfectly happy. In reality, you can’t possibly know that, since you aren’t confronted with the less-than-ideal things that usually only pop up during the everyday, commonplace life you can lead only when someone is in your life, well, everyday.

Being apart makes it exceptionally easy to hide things from each other. Be that a personality trait or undesirable circumstance. It also makes it very easy to tell yourself those things don’t matter, because they aren’t confronting you every day. 

I think that even though you may love this person, this may be an instance where being with him might not be for the best. As others have pointed out, having a life-long relationship with him would require a HUGE degree of compromise and self-sacrifice. And you are contemplating this for someone you haven’t had the opportunity to experience a traditional relationship experience with. 

I know it’s hard to end a relationship with someone you still love. I have done it, and it was legitimately the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done. It was the RIGHT thing, but it wasn’t what I WANTED to do. I just grew to understand that we didn’t want and need the same things out of life, and there was no way to reconcile that. 

You might not be ready to make that choice right now. That’s understandable. I would just urge you to think carefully about how you want your future to look. What kind of career, partnership, and home life are you really hoping for? Can and will this person provide you with those things? Or are you trying to tell yourself you don’t WANT them, because you know he can’t, but don’t want to lose him?

Good luck; this sounds totally heartbreaking. You deserve better, no matter what your past might be. 

Post # 81
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

fromatoz :  Well, no, to your last point, I don’t think the possibility of other baby daddies is even something that should be considered based on what we’ve read. I’ve only seen one poster suggest that though.

 

To me though, what really strikes me is the OP’s comment that this woman NEVER wanted kids. Assuming we have a reliable narrator (in the OP’s boyfriend, which I realize could be a super faulty assumption)- she rather emphatically told him she never wanted kids. But she also doesn’t “believe in” abortion or adoption (WTF does that even mean?),  and she doesn’t use protection. That doesn’t seem just dumb…it just honestly doesn’t make sense.

 

The guy is just as stupid (which I said in my previous post), but I bet he would have been all for adoption or abortion.

 

It just seems super strange to me to not want kids, not be willing to consider adoption or abortion, and still have unprotected sex. I expect, to be blunt, she did not emphatically not want kids. That doesn’t mean I find her to be some harlot out to trick men. Just that I don’t think this pregnancy was actually unwanted for her. But Boyfriend should have worn a condom regardless. 

Post # 82
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Mal_Adjusted :  sorry but this is all too much drama , I dont think it’s going to work out to be honest. This is totally unfair to you and this is too much for such a new relationship.

I doubt he just found out about it he probably knew longer and waited to tell you , I just can’t believe you are even considering dealing with this baby mama drama.  You are still young and I wouldn’t settle for any of this. 

Post # 83
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

It just seems like a very short time to have to be making soo many compromises. 

Post # 84
Member
283 posts
Helper bee

It’s not a definite, but it’s a possibility to consider. The point is, we know that he doesn’t have much to offer OP. He flat out refused to marry her for one thing and he seems quite gullible for another thing. And I’m really sensing that something is not on the up and up with this girl. Either she withheld the fact that she was pregnant from him until the last minute or he is lying about when he found out. If you’re planning to have the father involved in raising the child, waiting basically until your water breaks to give him a heads up is a dick move. She’s denied him the opportunity to have his opinions or wishes even taken into consideration along with the opportunity to be involved in the pregnancy or prepare himself for fatherhood. I wouldn’t want my life tied to either of these people for sure. I can see both of them pulling so many kinds of crap over the next couple of decades. 

fromatoz :  

Post # 85
Member
2112 posts
Buzzing bee

Mal_Adjusted :  OMG my comment keeps getting deleted—so freaking annoying FIX IT WEDDINGBEE!!

OP, do you not see that YOU are the one making all the compromises, and he’s just living his life as he would whether you existed or not?

 *exhibit A: he doesn’t want marriage, so you’re settling

*exhibit B: you don’t want kids, but he’s having one so you’re now okay with having one too

*exhibit C: he’s now going to have to start being around his ex-fuck buddy (although I don’t buy that being all they were for a second—take those rose-tinted glasses off girl!!) and you’re now willing to extend an olive branch to this girl so she’ll accept you

 

8 months is like, nothing. waaaaay too early on for you to have to make compromises to your lifestyle like this. also, he’s definitely only telling you what he wants you to know. propose to him that you’d like to chat with the ex—see how reacts and you’ll see.

 

honestly, though, it seems like you’re losing yourself in this relationship. you’re no longer considering what you want out of life, what your personal goals and aspirations are, and where you want to be 10 years from now—all for this guy and his shitty mistakes and “damaged” (“boo hoo, my evil ex ruined me waaaaah”) past. he’s got literally nothing to offer you, but you’re willing to give up who you are for him. I think you should seek therapy to determine why you’re willing to do all that…it’s concerning, Bee. I don’t mean to sound rude, but I’m wondering if you’re struggling with issues of self-worth somehow. 

Post # 87
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Mal_Adjusted :  it was an emotional statement because the woman he’s been with 15 years left him in such a fashion…

 

15 years and he’s 33, and she left him awhile ago?? So he was probably anywhere from 14-17 when they first got together.

 

So, he married his high school sweetheart, spent half of his life with her, and then she just up and decided to leave him and royally screw him over financially, and this side of her came completely out of nowhere?

 

On the one hand, if that’s true, I can see how he’d feel like marriage is a cruel joke. On the other hand…it’s probably not true, OP. I am sure the ex would tell a different story. And I know you’re invested in him, not her, but that doesn’t make her the dishonest one automatically.

 

Post # 88
Member
450 posts
Helper bee

Are you really hearing us?

Post # 90
Member
753 posts
Busy bee

So you’re happy being LDR every other year for the rest of your life? And being referred to as “Dad’s girlfriend” on the years you both reside in the same city? You gotta think long term here bee, it just all sounds so ludicrous. 

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