Post # 91
Bee, here’s a shortcut for you to get to the bottom of what really happened in his marriage. I’ve posted it before, here it is again. This was gifted to me by a divorce lawyer from back in the day when getting divorced still required grounds.
Use your own words, here is the general theme. It works and it’s fast.
You: So, if I ever ran into (had lunch with/met/whatever) your ex someday, what kind of bullshit lies do you think she would try to tell me about you?
Then, stand back.
Post # 92
Mal_Adjusted : Not out of nowhere. He’s an admitted workaholic, especially early in his career as he was supporting them both. When he caught them mid-affair (in his house)…
Did they each have their own house even when they were married, or by “his” house, do you mean “their” house?
Look, cheating is not okay and I’m not trying to give her a pass for a very poor and cruel way of handling an unhappy marriage. But, “my wife left me because I was working too much to support her ungrateful ass” is poor me blame deflection 101.
And based on your other update- he did mislead you. You told him when you decided to give a relationship another shot that you didn’t want to screw around if he wasn’t ready, and he said he was. Now he’s saying he’ll never marry again based on the trauma his ex supposedly single handedly caused, of which he bore no fault, other than working too hard to support her, which I think we’d all agree is hardly a fault.
I know that you love him (or at least you love who you think he is). But he is not in a good place for a serious relationship. You are not equals in this relationship either- he makes the call, you tag along for the ride.
Post # 93
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
Your relationship is still pretty new and he’s about to undergo a huge life change. I think if you’re happy it’s fine to keep dating him but don’t become the “step mom”! Let him figure out how to manage his child with the mother. If he wants to move in or get married then later you get involved in the child’s life, just like dating any man with kids. Don’t fall into the trap of raising this kid for him, especially if he “never wants marriage”. I’d be very wary of them getting back together.
Post # 94
They’d known each other and been FWB for a while, so as he put it to me if he’d wanted to be in a relationship with her he would have been. He’s never spoken badly about her, but from what he has said he was never interested in her in any other way than sex.
I’ve had a similar FWB situation in the past so I can’t judge or even knock it…
I haven’t met her ever so I can’t speak to her intentions regarding him in any sort of romantic sense at all, though.
He seems open to us meeting, so I’d like to believe that means he’s being honest about their situation and she’d genuinely not here to mess anyone’s life.
If I were in her shoes I’d be very alone/scared and honestly feel bad for her.
Shit like this is EXACTLY why I have an IUD, and a mean one.
Post # 95
“To my knowledge marriage had never been off the table until he came back home for the holidays and was “off.” That was my first big shock, as that had never come up before.”
Whuuuut? Seriously? You just found this out? What else do you not know about him?
You’re trying so hard to make yourself fit this man’s life that you don’t see how wrong this all is for you.
Post # 96
Mal_Adjusted : why do you think that a guy like this, with all his emotional baggage, bad decisions, and instability, is all you deserve?
Post # 97
You just seem like you have a lot going for you. You’re agreeable, compassionatr, articulate, trusting. You’re attached to someone who, even if we interpret this situation in the best possible light, has played his one marriage card with another woman and his one baby making card with a different other woman. He’s all used up, basically. What does he have to offer you? And given a more realistic interpretation, he makes terrible decisions, let’s life just happen to him, associates with questionable people, and is possibly withholding important information from you. You deserve better. Mal_Adjusted :
Post # 98
I feel like…he’s known her a long time, was having sex with her before and after you met (you said you dated then stopped then started again – he was having sex with her all that time). He changed towards you when he found out she was pregnant and he already has damage/baggage from having an absent father himself. What does this tell you? It tells me, he’ll probably try to make it work with her and baby. It will just depend if he is man enough to tell you or if he will do it behind your back.
Post # 99
chocolateplease : Let me rephrase – we had spoken about the things we wanted early on, around the time we were talking about making things serious as I had already given the whole speech about not having time for anything that would be less than serious, what we were both looking for and such, and he talked a lot about how he going through this program to make more money specifically because it was time to buy where we live (which is a very expensive) and to “be able to provide for someone incredible when they come into my life.” He was holding my hand all lovey-dovey and such when this happened, so yeah, maybe I’m stupid for not actually asking “Would you get married again?”, but he didn’t reek of commitaphobe at all.
Hence why I think it’s interesting he said he was anti-marriage out of the blue within a day or so of finding out he has a child on the way.
UPDATE: We had a lengthy talk today. I said I understood that he was processing a LOT… but that he didn’t just get to shut down – not how relationships work – especially because this situation put me in a tough spot too. He agreed and apologized, and said that the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me as he knows he’s the one who fucked up and I’ve been nothing but a “good woman” through all of this. He said he’s just kind of frozen with everything happening as he definitely can’t afford to fail out of this program as it’s going to help support his son and he’s still not sure how he feels about the fact that he’s going to be a father, only that he’s going to step and isn’t sure how that’s going to change things yet so it feels wrong to make me any promises. He added that he loves me very much and said he never would have pursued me like he did if he hadn’t been very serious about us or put me through any of this if he had known about his son coming.
I then said I totally understand but that at some point soon we were going to have to have a very serious conversation about where he sees me in his life going forward so I can make some informed decisions, that my happiness and the course of my life matter too, to which he absolutely agreed and said that he wanted us to work.
I had a ticket already to see him for his birthday in a few weeks and am still planning to go, assuming he isn’t able to get out here first following the birth. He’s not allowed to miss class days so actually attending the birth will be hit or miss, assuming he gets permission to leave at all. Several of his married classmates (who I know and have talked to about their situations while visiting) have not been allowed to leave for births during the program so far so we’ll see.
Post # 100
This is a lot to overcome for a newish, mostly LDR. I would caution you that you might be using the fact that you had briefly dated before as a sense of false security / feeling like you know him better than you really do.
You should still be in the “honeymoon” period of your relationship and instead you’re tackling daddy abandonment issues, baby mama issues, unexpected parenthood issues, distrust of marriage issues, military relationship issues, communication/ coldness issues, high pressure career issues, LDR issues, etc.
Maybe it will all work out, maybe it won’t, but don’t stick around because you feel like you don’t deserve someone with less drama.
Post # 101
dgirl715 : I definitely agree that pre-holidays we were def still in honeymoon phase… Safe to say that’s over – with a bang, LOL. (No pun intended.)
In all seriousness, though, something else that’s come up in all of this is that we haven’t really learned to communicate on the nitty-gritty stuff yet. It’s been quite the perfect storm: holidays + each other’s families + baby news = first HUGE fight… hence why I’m trying to finish processing before I do anything rash.
Not saying that I’m staying, just letting us both breath for a second so if we break-up it can be a clean one. Right now we’re both very emotional still. I’ll fully admit I don’t have a clear head about it yet.
Post # 102
Mal_Adjusted : At the end of the day all the rephrasing and explaining you’re doing still doesn’t change the situation. This guy has a lot of issues and the fact that he clammed up and shut you out the moment he found out (if that’s really when he did and it wasn’t induced by knowing the baby is finally coming) about the baby tells you 100% that he wasn’t thinking about you long term how you are about him. HE should be the one coming up with solutions if you were the absolute love of his life, but you’re not. You are a girlfriend that hasn’t even made it out of the honeymoon stage without being burned. I can guarantee you he has thought about what life would be like if he ends things with you and tries being a family with his baby and the mom or how much he will see his son. He is going to fall in love with his child and his priority will shift tremendously and the love he will have for his child will put you in a place you can’t even imagine right now. This is what YOU don’t understand but trust that he’s thinking about a million things right now and I bet his brand new baby is at the top of the list, not you. Married couples in wonderful marriages fall in love with their babies and love their child more than anyone in the world. What do you think it’s going to be like for you when you’re barely an in person girlfriend in his life? I’m not trying to beat you down but the rose colored glasses you have on are tinted so dark. I don’t think you truly understand the magnitude of this situation. Some bees have said the baby isn’t the biggest deal but couple that with everything else and it’s a disaster. I think you’ve received enough good solid advice but at this point if this is all you believe you deserve then stay and wait for the storm. Maybe you’ll come out unscathed, but most likely not.
Post # 103
Mal_Adjusted : You like drama. My bet is that you stay with him and it turns out like all the bees predicted. Exciting while it lasts though.
Post # 104
You are all entitled to your opinion of me. I came here looking for outside takes on the situation and I certainly got them. I appreciate even the harsh ones and especially those of you who shared your own stories.
Thank you and I will keep updating and keep thinking on everything.
Post # 105
Mal_Adjusted : Do you think that you deserve better than this situation? I think you do. I bet most if not all the bees here think you do.
Walking away does not make you a bad person or mean that you don’t love him as much as you do. You just need to let yourself love yourself more.