BF just found out he has a baby coming…

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 106
Member
786 posts
Busy bee

Oh man. The more you update the worse and worse it gets. I don’t see any positives in staying with him, bee. 

Have you ever asked yourself what qualities YOU want in a man? Have you ever dreamed of your future and imagined the kind of guy you would want to be with? Ask yourself what those qualities are.

Then, compare those visions to what you have right now in reality with your boyfriend: a bitterly divorced man with a kid on the way who is already physically unavailable due to being in the military with the stress of being in school on top of that, who will owe child support for a child he never wanted with a girl he never wanted, who will not marry you because he’s bitter about his exwife and also has daddy issues.

And it’s only a matter of time before he becomes emotionally unavailable too because naturally with the birth of his child, he will bond with the mother. He has offered you no stability or security in any of this, and has offered no solutions whatsoever for the two of you moving forward. You’re not important enough for him to prioritize you.

I’m starting to wonder more and more…with this being such a short relationship (and long distance too!) that now has nothing to offer you, what scraps of this relationship are you looking to salvage? And why? 

Post # 107
Member
548 posts
Busy bee

Please please please don’t stay with this guy. As I posted my story about being in the same situation – no matter how in love, it won’t last. I was so in love too and that’s why I stayed and 2 1/2 years later I broken, broke and damaged. It was horrible, drove a wedge between me and my family and was just AWFUL! Don’t be stupid like I was. It’s NOT worth it. None of this is worth your time and effort. RUN!

Post # 108
Member
2490 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

So a year ago you were dating a guy in the military for 4.5 years who was also in the military and also in school and now you’ve been with this guy for 8 months? You LOVE drama. Just took a look at your old posts and you previously had a miscarriage (not intentionally wanting to get pregant similar to the FWB) but discussed marriage and children with your boyfriend.  So is this the same boyfriend or a different one with the exact same circumstances? It’s pretty much a waste of time all the advice we gave you because you didn’t listen a year ago either and now it’s even worse. There’s no helping you. You like the drama and lack of commitment. 

Post # 109
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

He’s just talking in circles. And honestly, he’s the lucky one in this situation, because he gets to ship off somewhere and leave you all to fend for yourselves. 

Post # 111
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

 Bee, I wonder if honestly the former FWB is actually a big part of the appeal of this guy. Not her specifically, but the fact that he didn’t want to date her but wanted to date you- to the point where he voluntarily shut off his benefits so he could pursue a serious relationship with you. I can’t help but pick up a “I’m the one who’s different” vibe from a few of your posts.

 

Nonetheless, I agree with everyone else who has said that this guy is holding all the cards and you’re settling for scraps just because he told you he was really into you, while simultaneously telling you upfront he can’t promise you anything. Plus, he’s full of excuses and puts all the blame for his failed marriage on his ex. Sidebar: while not impossible, a failed marriage is rarely 100% of the fault of just one party. I suspect he’s either intentionally withholding some less than stellar behaviors of his in his marriage, or he genuinely doesn’t think he did anything wrong when he actually did. Not sure which one is worse.

Post # 112
Member
10436 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

. . . and said that the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me as he knows he’s the one who fucked up and I’ve been nothing but a “good woman” through all of this. He said he’s just kind of frozen with everything happening as he definitely can’t afford to fail out of this program as it’s going to help support his son and he’s still not sure how he feels about the fact that he’s going to be a father, only that he’s going to step and isn’t sure how that’s going to change things yet so it feels wrong to make me any promises. He added that he loves me very much and said he never would have pursued me like he did if he hadn’t been very serious about us or put me through any of this if he had known about his son coming. 

 

Bee, honey. You just had your ‘serious conversation’. This is as close to a kiss off as he could get without actually resorting to truthfulness, something with which he appears to be uncomfortable.

Let’s break it down. 

 

He’s the one who fucked up, I’ve been a ‘good woman’ through everything.

Translation:  It’s not you, it’s me.

 

He can’t afford to flunk out of school.

Translation:  I’m too busy for a relationship. (Another excuse dragged out of mothballs). 

 

He’s still not sure how he feels about being a father.

Translation:  Everything is about meeeeee! 

 

He’s going to ‘step’.

Translation: Presuming that meant “step up”. Well, what elementary schoool(s) will they be naming after Super Dad for his outstanding service in paying mandatory child support?

This is not the first time he has announced his intention to support his child. (See: ‘Its all about meeeeee” above). He gets less credit than most, because in the military, he has zero options regarding CS. It’s taken out of his checks. Doing anything to attempt to evade paying carries stiff consequences.

 

He feels it’s wrong to make me any promises.

Translation: I don’t see a future with you.

 

He loves me very much, wouldn’t have pursued me if he wasn’t serious or knew he had a son on the way.

Translation:  Foaming the runway for you.

 

No halfway decent guy enjoys hurting women. In their heads, they often believe the best way to avoid that is to either push you to dump them, or, will use breakup language that he thinks will let you down easy, as the old cliche goes.

The “I love yous” are pretty standard. 

If he is the type of person I have begun to suspect he may be, allowing you to remain on the periphery indefinitely, as a potential fall back, would suit him fine.

 

The problem, Bee, is that you are not hearing the “No”.

There really is not anything he has said that is indicative of him considering himself your bf or planning a future with you. I’m really sorry about that, Bee.

 

 

Post # 113
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

sassy411 :  I agree. Even before marriage was off the table, even before he found out about his ex being pregnant, Boyfriend was always greasing the wheels for an easy exit. Even during the 3 month honeymoon period he had with the OP, he knew he would be leaving the state for school and that the rigid school schedule would be a fairly convenient excuse to end the relationship, if necessary. The long distance relationship with OP has allowed him to communicate with her and visit with her when it’s convenient for him, and not be obligated when it’s not convenient for him. And even before the baby bombshell, this was a set up that would carry him through for another year.

 

He might want to continue seeing the OP, but he’s certainly preparing his exit strategy now. He’s listed his commitment to school, his impending fatherhood, his possible need to work extra hours or take extra schooling to provide for his kid, his trauma from his past relationship, and his trauma left over from his shitty childhood.

 

OP, that doesn’t mean I think he’s planning to break up with you anytime soon. This is clearly working for him so no need. But he’s getting his ducks in a row for the minute this relationship isn’t working for him. When that happens is anyone’s guess.

Post # 114
Member
809 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m glad he is being honest.  At least now you’re a volunteer, not a victim.  

Post # 115
Member
1447 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Tatum :  Agreed.  He’s pretty much saying he’s already got one foot out the door.

Post # 117
Member
366 posts
Helper bee

You’ve already had your serious conversation, bee. He told you he doesn’t see a future with you.

Post # 118
Member
283 posts
Helper bee

DoubleD :  I don’t understand why some women on this site go through people’s posts looking for dirt to throw back at them. You haven’t been personally attacked, so whom are you fighting back against, anyway?

Post # 119
Member
2490 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

aclockworklilac :  I’m not fighting anybody. I looked back to see if there were any other posts that would give insight to this and I was right. It’s the fact that people come back asking for the same advice but still don’t want to take it and a lot of time there’s contradictory stories. For instance she never wanted kids in this post but was mad that her partner that wouldn’t commit to marriage or having kids but now it’s the exact opposite and a lot of “let me rephrase or let me clear this up” going on. So it’s very unlikely that she will actually follow any advice when her stories are contradictory. 

Post # 120
Member
2490 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Mal_Adjusted :  I didn’t bring it up in a negative way I just stated that you said you had a miscarriage after getting accidentally pregnant like your boyfriend’s FWB which you said they were idiots for not using protection since they didn’t want kids. Then you mentioned you never wanted kids but said your partner wouldn’t commit to marriage and kids. Now you’re willing to settle for not having anything that you previously wanted and was an issue in your relationship.  It’s strange but it’s your life so I’m not going to say anything anymore. Just realize there are people here genuinely trying to help you out but the decision is ultimately yours. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors