(Closed) BF making me SO angry! Am I being irrational? (LONG vent)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@CarolinaPeach13:  Do you mind me asking how old you both are? It sounds like he’s being really childish… But, if he’s in college… Then I would understand why he’s acting the way he is. It’s all about perspective… College guys act like this all the time, but if your SO is 30 then maybe you have a problem! However, you’re definitely not going to be able to change his habits if he is 30… And he is going to start resenting you if you continue to be as controlling as you are (yeah sorry, you’re controlling him… Not that I can blame you, because I would not tolerate his behavior!)

Post # 4
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@CarolinaPeach13:  My fiance and I are long-distance, too, and have been for a few years. I completely understand what you’re saying about communication. One of the few times I remember being really upset with him is when he came to my city for his sister’s college graduation and I couldn’t reach him after he got in town because his phone was off. I was honestly just really worried and I calmed down once he finally called and told me that his phone had died. Stuff like that doesn’t happen often though. We’re both really good about making sure we can be reached for the most part. I understand you being upset with your boyfriend not being reachable. It would drive me crazy.

With that said, I think you are overstepping a bit on his going out. You say he can’t afford it and you agreed that he won’t be going out for a while, but unless your finances are combined, I don’t think that’s really up to you. Of course you should let him know how you feel about it, but I think the decision of whether to go out or not is solely up to him, especially if you guys don’t live in the same place.

If it makes you upset or you feel disrespected, that’s definitely something you should talk to him about. But I don’t think it’s fair for you to make those decisions for him. (The phone thing though, I think he could probably do more about. At least charge it.)

Post # 5
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Not responding to you for 6 hours isn’t a crime. You need to chill out.

Post # 7
Member
14403 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Yeah, sorry… You’re being a little crazy IMO.  If he’s out for a few hours, let him be.  What do you want from him?  A check in every other hour??   The money issue is a while other thing, but unless your finances are joined, I don’t think you get much say.

Post # 8
Member
14403 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Just have him call you at night when he gets home, or if it’s getting super late, to send a quick message about when he should be home.  Then a text  maybe when he actually gets home.  I was never long distance, but that is what we did if we went out without the other.   We”re all adults and should know how to handle ourselves.  Have some faith in him.

Post # 9
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@CarolinaPeach13:  That’s not a good sign… If he knows that he has broken your trust in the past, I think he would want to try to prove himself to you… And him continuously not charging his phone, or purposely turning it off, is not good. I don’t blame you for having trust issues… And hopefully your situation doesn’t turn out like mine, where my ex was doing this because he was out cheating on me. I don’t mean to freak you out, But it doesn’t sound very good… And why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel insecure all the time anyway?  I spent two years dealing with someone who acted acted like your boyfriend does… I broke up with him, met my new SO in a few months, and now we are happily on the road to engagement three years later… When I think back to how my ex used to make me feel, I’m so thankful to not be in that relationship anymore.

 

My advice would be to strongly evaluate your relationship with someone who treats you like this.… It’s not a healthy thing for someone to do to you, especially if he has been dishonest/untrustworthy in the past 

 

ETA: I realized I sound like such a negative Nancy, but I just want to forewarn you! His action sound sketchy… And remind me of someone I used to know…

Post # 11
Member
14403 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@CarolinaPeach13:  Sorry, I was being sort of extreme and sarcastic.  Do you know who he’s out with?  Is it possible he’s cheating?  Is it a macho thing where he wants to look cool and free in front of the guys?  Have you talk to him about it… Every time is not a coincidence.. What does he say about it?

Post # 13
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

1) What do you see in him?

2) Do you trust him? Can you ever trust him? Honestly? (I couldn’t, if my trust had been broken already, especially in an LDR) 

3) When do you plan/what are your plans for making this LDR a…err…NDR? (No Distance Relationship lol I think I made that up) 

4) What are both of you doing to reach above goal? Are either of you sabotaging this goal in any way? 

I have to admit his behaviour seems suspect, but OTOH there are two sides to every story…

Post # 14
Member
2654 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I was in a LDR for a few years with ExH. I would have been livid if he demanded that I check in with him every few hours whenever I went out. The protocol was let each other know if the other was going out and, if we were both available, have a pre-outing call. Then we’d set a time to be too late to call the other, i.e. call when we get home unless it’s past this hour because someone would already be asleep. Otherwise, it was radio silence between us. 

 

Without knowing the exact issues, how will it really help to have him checking in? If it’s a cheating thing, he could call you and say anything. If it’s an issue where he promised to call but never does, the both of you need to reopen discussion on whether that’s an appropriate set of expectations. If he and his friends are in the habit of not designating a driver to stay sober on outings, I don’t think phone calls between the two of you would solve that. 

 

Believe me I get it. LDRs mean all you really have is the phone to connect y’all. However, asking him to do more than what a reasonable person is expected to do in terms of outings and phones is totally bordering on controlling. Also, it’s one of those things that will become a characteristic of the relationship and continue to be an issue even when you live in the same place. Learning to relax now will help for later. I promise. 

Post # 15
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Yes you’re being irrational. You are both adults. He tells you before he goes out, that should be enough. He shouldn’t have to let you know he’s alive (I havent seen/heard from my husband in 4 hours but I’m not paranoid enough to think he’s dead or cheating on me). As long as he lets you know he’ll be out before he goes out, and texts you the next day, that should be enough.

Post # 16
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my fiance for a couple years now. I understand the phone thing. It bothers me too, but only when I have an important question for him or something important that he needs to know and I need to know that he read the text or listened to the message.

The going out, I have no experience with. He doesn’t drink and he doesn’t like clubs or people who do that kind of thing. Out of respect for him, I don’t drink either and the closest I get to going out is dinner with friends or late night donut runs with friends. 

But I do understand the trust issues. They are hard to get over, especially when they don’t answer. But what you need to do is set aside a time to talk this stuff out with him. Once you’re on the same page and he knows that you’re more concerned with his safety and would just like him to check in with you more. 

Set aside time to either have a heart to heart over skype or the phone and only do that. The communication is key, but works best when you both have the same understanding of the communication. 

After that talk, it should be easier for you to relax. He might get better with his phone, he might not, but at least you have all this stuff off your chest and he has heard it.

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