Post # 1
Bees, I need your help. My bf never apologises. He’s say something hurtful and I will let him know it has hurt me but he never apologises.
We’ve only been together a couple of months and I wouldn’t say we have argued but occasionally he’ll say something hurtful, however, not once has he ever apologised. He’ll say “I only meant it as light hearted humour” or “I didn’t mean to offend” but he’ll never say “I’m sorry”. Those words “I’m sorry” are important to me because they indicate to me that a person feels bad they upset me and therefore helps me forgive and move forward. I feel like if people don’t say sorry and they say “it was only a joke” they are only defending their actions and not actually feeling remorseful that they have upset me.
I haven’t talked to him the importance of saying sorry yet and to be honest I don’t know if it’s too early on to be bringing this up and having a serious talk?
At this point I don’t know what’s easier? Just breaking up with him or talking to him about how I need an apology? I guess it says something if I feel like breaking up is an option…
Am I weird for needing apologies to move on? Do any of you need to hear “I’m sorry” in order to forgive someone?
Post # 2
If you’re spending time with a person, in any capacity, why would you let them disrespect you because enough time “hasn’t passed?” It’s never “too early” to put up boundaries and draw lines in the sand as to how you are to be treated. We teach people how to treat us.
If this relationship is going to go anywhere, this topic can’t come early enough. This is your life, if he can’t handle a serious conversation because it’s “too early,” do you really want to be with him anyway?
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2017 - State Park
He’s not saying he’s sorry because… he’s not sorry. He didn’t mean to upset you, and he indicates that. Saying anything else would be “I’m sorry you’re upset.” And nobody likes to hear that.
I think you’re too hung up on the words. Intent is what matters and he says he doesn’t mean any harm. Sounds like you two have different communication styles and different senses of humor.
Do you mean two months dating, or two months in an actual, official, relationship? Because if it’s just two months dating then you’re likely just incompatible.
Post # 4
I feel like communication and how a couple/person fights or disagrees is really, really important to get right in a relationship. This might seem small now but over time it will erode the relationship. I don’t necessarily think you should end things yet but I think you should talk seriously with your partner about how important it is that he listens and takes accountability for his mistakes and apologies properly. Maybe try and find a book or a podcast for him to see that this is a real problem – I think if you’ve only been together a few months that couples counselling is probably overkill, but if the relationship seems like it could be a “forever” relationship in all other ways than maybe counselling would be a good idea. If you’re still having this problem in 6 months, yes, I’d walk away. I’d also be very frank and honest with him about how it’s a dealbreaker for you. My partner spoke to me in a dismissive, condescending way ONCE early in our relationship when he was tired and I was being a brat. I explained to him that condescention was a dealbreaker for me and I wouldn’t be spoken to that way and I’d walk away if it happened again. We’ve been together many many years since and he has never spoken to me that way again.
Post # 5
MsPlucky : “If you’re spending time with a person, in any capacity, why would you let them disrespect you because enough time “hasn’t passed?” It’s never “too early” to put up boundaries and draw lines in the sand as to how you are to be treated.”
Time to speak up bee. Tell him exactly what you told us. Being able to say “I’m sorry” is such a crucial part of any relationship. We all fuck up and have to say it from time to time. If your bf is incapable of ever admitting he was wrong, he’s not going to be a good partner. Better to establish that early on and end it rather than getting more invested with a blowhard whose head is too far up his own ass to ever admit a wrongdoing.
I’m also curious, what are the hurtful things he’s said?
Post # 6
MsPlucky : thing is I don’t feel like I’m getting disrespected. I feel like I’m not getting what I need, which is an apology. He says it was only a joke and that he won’t do it again, which to date he hasn’t repeated anything that upset me but I can’t move on without an apology. And I hate having to prompt people for an apology because it always feels so insincere, like I wish he would just apologise after I explain how something he did was hurtful. I know he isn’t a mind reader but my love language is wording and it can have a very positive and negative effect on my relationships and how I feel about people.
Post # 7
chaiteababy : If your love language is wording, all the more reason for you to use your words and tell him how this makes you feel. How he responds should tell you a lot about whether this relationship is worth pursuing any further.
Post # 8
You can talk to him from now till the cows come home. It won’t do a scintilla of good.
What you’re describing is a character flaw—a serious one.
a. He’s showing a lack of empathy for you.
b. He’s refusing to take responsibility for what comes out of his mouth.
c. He is invalidating your experience.
How fortunate that you aren’t years into this. It’s just a matter of time before you get spun around and buy into the crap about: “You’re too sensitive,” and the perennial favorite: “You can’t take a joke!”
And, wth—he’s saying ‘hurtful’ things to you this early on? Can we get an example, please?
These guys are as predictable as daylight. If you were my best friend, I’d be doing my best to convince you to run like the wind.
Post # 9
It has only been a couple of months. You either need to tell him what you need or move on; he’s not a mind reader. Perhaps if it has been so short a time and he has repeatedly offended you, you should just move on.
Post # 10
I am wondering the same thing about what kind of ‘hurtful’ things he has said.
As we move our radar devices into position . . .
Post # 11
tiffanybruiser : refer to the response I wrote to MsPlucky about not feeling disrespecting.
As for what hurtful things he has said, my family is pretty dysfunctional and he knows this as I’ve told him about it but I’ve only ever told him the tip of the iceberg of it. Anyway, I mentioned that I needed to leave his place early to watch my parents pets as they were going to visits my paternal grandparents and he made a joke about how when they get back I will be hearing all the (nasty) gossip about everyone but truth is my grandma is dying of cancer and my parents are only going over their as my father is the executor of will and they need to sort all the paperwork out. I told him that it wasn’t just a shits and giggles meetup and that they were talking about serious issues to do with my grandmother dying and how I don’t appreciate his crack at how I’m going to have to put up with listening to my mother whinge about her in-laws when really they will be talking about a dying relative and I really wanted him to say “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was that serious” but he didn’t say anything. I just felt like he didn’t care that my grandma was dying…
Post # 12
Some people just don’t say they are sorry. My dad is like that and so I just learned to live with it growing up. I would probably let him know how you feel before breaking up with him. But if letting him know doesn’t change things, and it’s not something you can live with, then maybe it’s best to move on.
Post # 13
chaiteababy : You could replace the word “disrespected” in MsPlucky’s advice with any number of verbs…”hurt,” “offend,” “upset”….it’s kind of down to semantics at this point. The bottom line is your SO has repeatedly done something that upsets you to the point that you’re contemplating breaking up with him over it. So you have 3 choices: 1) break up; 2) have a conversation about this and then reevaluate; 3) do nothing and continue to fester. Personally I recommend #2.
Post # 14
chaiteababy : I suppose it can’t be disrespect since you haven’t explicitly told him your expectations, thus he isn’t disregarding them. This comes down to you respecting yourself enough to tell him, very specifically, what you are willing to tolerate.
If you cannot, or will not, do that then your issue ultimately isn’t with your bf, it’s with yourself. He’s not a mind reader. Tell him point blank what you need, and if he continues to disregard your needs, then my statement about disrespect (or any other word you want to replace it with, as tiffanybruiser said) holds true.
You need to vocalize your needs and wants, and if you can’t do that then you really don’t have any room to complain, and hold this against him.
Post # 15
I feel you really need to lay it on the line and tell him how you’re feeling. It’s only been a few months and you hadn’t filled him in on the whole situation with your family. He may not know what you need.
Then, if things don’t improve he’s just a jerk