Bf never apologises

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3243 posts
Sugar bee

If you’re spending time with a person, in any capacity, why would you let them disrespect you because enough time “hasn’t passed?” It’s never “too early” to put up boundaries and draw lines in the sand as to how you are to be treated. We teach people how to treat us. 

If this relationship is going to go anywhere, this topic can’t come early enough. This is your life, if he can’t handle a serious conversation because it’s “too early,” do you really want to be with him anyway?

Post # 3
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - State Park

He’s not saying he’s sorry because… he’s not sorry. He didn’t mean to upset you, and he indicates that. Saying anything else would be “I’m sorry you’re upset.” And nobody likes to hear that. 

I think you’re too hung up on the words. Intent is what matters and he says he doesn’t mean any harm. Sounds like you two have different communication styles and different senses of humor. 

Do you mean two months dating, or two months in an actual, official, relationship? Because if it’s just two months dating then you’re likely just incompatible. 

Post # 4
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

I feel like communication and how a couple/person fights or disagrees is really, really important to get right in a relationship. This might seem small now but over time it will erode the relationship. I don’t necessarily think you should end things yet but I think you should talk seriously with your partner about how important it is that he listens and takes accountability for his mistakes and apologies properly. Maybe try and find a book or a podcast for him to see that this is a real problem – I think if you’ve only been together a few months that couples counselling is probably overkill, but if the relationship seems like it could be a “forever” relationship in all other ways than maybe counselling would be a good idea. If you’re still having this problem in 6 months, yes, I’d walk away. I’d also be very frank and honest with him about how it’s a dealbreaker for you. My partner spoke to me in a dismissive, condescending way ONCE early in our relationship when he was tired and I was being a brat. I explained to him that condescention was a dealbreaker for me and I wouldn’t be spoken to that way and I’d walk away if it happened again. We’ve been together many many years since and he has never spoken to me that way again.

Post # 5
Member
7669 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

MsPlucky :  “If you’re spending time with a person, in any capacity, why would you let them disrespect you because enough time “hasn’t passed?” It’s never “too early” to put up boundaries and draw lines in the sand as to how you are to be treated.”

+100000000000000

Time to speak up bee. Tell him exactly what you told us. Being able to say “I’m sorry” is such a crucial part of any relationship. We all fuck up and have to say it from time to time. If your bf is incapable of ever admitting he was wrong, he’s not going to be a good partner. Better to establish that early on and end it rather than getting more invested with a blowhard whose head is too far up his own ass to ever admit a wrongdoing.

I’m also curious, what are the hurtful things he’s said?

Post # 7
Member
7669 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

chaiteababy :  If your love language is wording, all the more reason for you to use your words and tell him how this makes you feel. How he responds should tell you a lot about whether this relationship is worth pursuing any further.

Post # 8
Member
11179 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

chaiteababy :  

You can talk to him from now till the cows come home.  It won’t do a scintilla of good.

What you’re describing is a character flaw—a serious one.

a.  He’s showing a lack of empathy for you.

b.  He’s refusing to take responsibility for what comes out of his mouth.

c.  He is invalidating your experience.

 

How fortunate that you aren’t years into this.  It’s just a matter of time before you get spun around and buy into the crap about:  “You’re too sensitive,” and the perennial favorite: “You can’t take a joke!”

And, wth—he’s saying ‘hurtful’ things to you this early on?   Can we get an example, please?

These guys are as predictable as daylight.  If you were my best friend, I’d be doing my best to convince you to run like the wind.

Post # 9
Member
6702 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

It has only been a couple of months. You either need to tell him what you need or move on; he’s not a mind reader. Perhaps if it has been so short a time and he has repeatedly offended you, you should just move on.

Post # 10
Member
11179 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

tiffanybruiser :  

I am wondering the same thing about what kind of ‘hurtful’ things he has said.

As we move our radar devices into position . . .

Post # 12
Member
1117 posts
Bumble bee

Some people just don’t say they are sorry. My dad is like that and so I just learned to live with it growing up. I would probably let him know how you feel before breaking up with him. But if letting him know doesn’t change things, and it’s not something you can live with, then maybe it’s best to move on.

Post # 13
Member
7669 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

chaiteababy :  You could replace the word “disrespected” in MsPlucky’s advice with any number of verbs…”hurt,” “offend,” “upset”….it’s kind of down to semantics at this point. The bottom line is your SO has repeatedly done something that upsets you to the point that you’re contemplating breaking up with him over it. So you have 3 choices: 1) break up; 2) have a conversation about this and then reevaluate; 3) do nothing and continue to fester. Personally I recommend #2.

Post # 14
Member
3243 posts
Sugar bee

chaiteababy :  I suppose it can’t be disrespect since you haven’t explicitly told him your expectations, thus he isn’t disregarding them. This comes down to you respecting yourself enough to tell him, very specifically, what you are willing to tolerate. 

If you cannot, or will not, do that then your issue ultimately isn’t with your bf, it’s with yourself. He’s not a mind reader. Tell him point blank what you need, and if he continues to disregard your needs, then my statement about disrespect (or any other word you want to replace it with, as tiffanybruiser said) holds true. 

You need to vocalize your needs and wants, and if you can’t do that then you really don’t have any room to complain, and hold this against him. 

Post # 15
Member
2328 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I feel you really need to lay it on the line and tell him how you’re feeling. It’s only been a few months and you hadn’t filled him in on the whole situation with your family. He may not know what you need. 

 

Then, if things don’t improve he’s just a jerk

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