(Closed) BF Seems To Ignore Our Issues

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Yeah, that would be a concern for me. What if, when the time comes, you have totally different values and goals? I’d need to know I was on the same page with someone before even considering marriage.

Post # 3
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

IMO Yeah, at three and a half years in, you definitely should have laid the groundwork for your future together, if that is what you’re intending. Because honestly, if you uncover a huge gap in ideals, then why continue the relationship? His refusal to get into it is a big red flag. Are you sure his goal is marriage? Because it sounds like it may not.

At any rate, when you’re with a person for decades into the future, there are going to be many more, much more uncomfortable talks. You need to be 100% certain that your life partner can handle that.

Sit down with him, and don’t give him an out. Talk about what he wants, with you, in the future in general, etc. Talk about what you want. If he starts making a fuss, you need to let him know that the future can’t happen unless you do. And go from there.

Post # 4
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 1993

Sorry but he is putting you off. Not sure why but he is.  Maybe if he dosen’t talk about it there is no commitment.  I would tell him you want to talk.  Tell him he gets to pick the day and time (within reason). If he declines I think I would seriously think about moving on.  If he can’t even talk about what’s important to him in the future you might not have a future with him.  

Post # 5
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Eirene00:  After 3 1/2 years, ducks should be lined up and plans should be made. At the very least, the two of you should be living together.

Post # 6
Member
2348 posts
Buzzing bee

Eirene00:  I don’t think your future planning issues even matter at this point because you have a much bigger problem: communication. If you can’t talk about the future now, when your lives are easy and open, how on earth are you going to talk to each other about the really hard stuff that comes up in marriage? 

You are not the problem and I think what you want is totally reasonable. I would ask him, in a totally separate conversation very calmly, why he never seems to want to talk about the future with you. Just explain that for you, thinking about and planning the future is fun and even necessary, and that you don’t understand why he doesn’t want to engage whenever you bring it up. 

Post # 8
Member
3244 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Eirene00:  

Hugs. Dude is being ridiculously lazy. My ex did shit like this and I honestly think he was just never properly involved. Relationships live and die by communication and by the looks of your profile picture you are a gorgeous woman who could do better than waste her time with a man who won’t even commit to a discussion. Nope. Red flag. Either he steps up or you step the hell out!

Post # 9
Member
1337 posts
Bumble bee

My ex was like this too. He just seems to be annoyed by communicating with you in general. I recently came across this article that helped me get over my break up a lot and hopefully help me in the future…

http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

He is essentially blaming you for wanting to put off his feelings. Ya, I just wouldn’t put up with it anymore.

 

Post # 10
Member
2746 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I guess my question is why does he feel like it’s going to be an argument every time you bring up the issue? Is it because it always ends in an argument? Is the way you approach him about it argumentative? I’m not accusing you, please don’t think that, I’m trying to get you to look at the conversations and why he consistently avoids them. That’s all. Have you caught him at bad times in the past? What if you guys discussed one issue at a time? Like first does he want kids & how many does he think he wants? Then end the conversation. Next week or in 2 weeks, hey babe,  do you want to live here for a long time or is there somewhere you hope to move to soon? These conversations ‘shouldn’t’ be arguments but I can completely understand why they turn into them. Plus, you “have to” have the freedom to discuss things that are bothering you in the relationship. But, it’s very difficult to be on the receiving end of it because it’s usually something that you’re doing & nobody likes to hear that. However, there are right & wrong ways to do the communicating. Guys can be difficult to get to open up. I feel like as a society, men aren’t supposed to ‘feel’ so they tend to keep things inside except when they get angry. It’s like anger is masculine to a lot of people. But anger is just a feeling. A lot of men aren’t taught how to channel feelings except through anger. Anyway, I really hope things turn out well. Google some effective ways to communicate feelings, just to make sure that you’re being effective because you’re the only one you can control. Best of luck & lots of love!

Post # 11
Member
2746 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Also, this is the communication that successful married couples ALWAYS talk about being the #1 most important thing in a marriage. People can learn how to effectively communicate. It just takes time & practice. 

Post # 15
Member
2746 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Eirene00:  I understand & that has got to be frustrating. I’m really sorry. Are you able to communicate that effectively? This might sound silly but I had a friend who used to fight with his wife ALL THE TIME so they started writing things down. You are able to get out everything without being interrupted & then he actually reads the whole thing without interrupting. There’s also counseling. So many couples go to counseling for communication. Idk…just tryin to help I guess. I know you feel pretty defeated in the situation. 

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