(Closed) BF stumbled over some BAD emails from my parents (about him)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 33
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

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koalaboo:  

Dear OP,

I did not read your previous threads, but I did read your first post and your second long post in this thread. 

 

What worries me is that you said “I do feel badly that I am choosing someone who does not respect my family, but at the same time, they don’t respect me or any of my choices.”  That says to me that you have doubts about your choice and your situation.  If you believe that your BF doesn’t “respect” your family, you need to get to the bottom of that first.  The slightest crack between you and your BF can quickly escalate to a big thing, especially with your parents shaking your ground. It does not matter that your “parents have given me so much” – that should never be the reason for any parents to be aggressive or controlling with their child.  So with that aside, if your parents were fully respectful and supportive of your choices, and your BF was exactly as he is now, would you still be with him? Do you have absolute confidence that you will not blame your BF for anything bad that happens later down the road (e.g. losing your close ties with your parents)? Are you ready to take all the worst blows from your parents (e.g. disownment), and still not resent your BF?  Because if any part of you feels even the slightest doubt, you need to face the fact that this relationship may not work out for the best.

You may be thinking, “who are you to say all that about my relationship?”  In short, I’ve been in your BF’s shoes, where my BF’s parents refused to accept me as their son’s SO. They also sent countless emails and snail mails filled with swearing, and constantly called my BF to badmouth me and our relationship. I also was like your BF where I endured it for over two years, and constantly suggested ways to interact with his parents, saying things like once they get to know me, maybe they will come around and be more accepting.

That BF and I have been married for 2.5 years now.  But we would not be married if my DH had any doubt about his choice to protect me from his parents and to set/keep boundaries with his parents.  My DH has been “disowned” multiple times, heard his parents say that they will die if he gets married to me, has been yelled/sworn at and much more.  I can only imagine the emotional trauma and hardship he went through during the two years we dated.  But my DH has never once blamed me or even hinted that he resents me for what he has gone through with his parents.  And while we try to carry the burden of cutting his parents out of our marriage together now that we are married, when we were just dating, he made sure to not have any of it affect me, because he recognized it as his own issue that he needed to resolve with his parents.  My DH always tells me that he is just thankful that I am next to him, because technically I do not have to endure any of it – I have the right to feel loved and could leave for someone else any time, but stays because I love him.  And he is thankful for that.

Regarding your last comment: “The only thing I asked for here is how to help HIM with what he found out, not to be yelled at for not listening in the past or supposedly wanting him to discover this, and not asking for repeat advice. This hasn’t happened before and he hasn’t known their terms of hate before Sunday.”

As a person who has been in your BF’s shoes, the only way that I felt consoled was when my SO recognized and accepted my hurt feelings, and sincerely apologized for letting me find out, accidental or not.  Whether you wanted your BF to find out about your parents or not isn’t the issue.  The fact is that he found out, he’s hurt and angry, and he probably has million things swarming his head.  So I would sincerely apologize to your BF, be genuine with your feelings and let him know that it was not your intention for him to find out, and make sure that same thing never happens again.  Once can be a mistake, but second or third is just negligence.  And do not force your BF to “get over” the situation, but wait for him to be healed.  

Hope this helps.

Post # 34
Member
11376 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

OP, I don’t think you understand the point some of us are making. 

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Redholix:  explained it well from the other side. 

You are straddling a fence, determined to make them all get along, when in real life,  this often doesn’t happen. Your unicorn for your parents is hurting your BF. Deeply. And it will damage your relationship eventually. 

People are not telling you this because they don’t see you properly. They see exactly what’s going down here based on the info you share, and you are the person blind to the hurt you are causing. Your BF has been good to,you by your account, and I and others are trying to help you save yourself from the tyranny of false expectations re pleasing your parents and everyone getting along.

I’ve said it to you before, you are basically putting the onus to get along on your BF, since he is the one being abused. He has to suck up all of this abuse so that you can have your ideal where everyone gets along and you don’t have to make choices.

by proxy, you are being abused in that your parents will never find anyone acceptable for you. if you were to keep allowing this, you would never be fully committed to another person.

I’m not going to comment anymore on your threads because as others have pointed out, you don’t want advice – you just want to vent. You’re not the victim here. You are being a doormat for your parents and expecting your BF to be one too. He clearly isn’t as enthused about allowing them to berate him and call him names. 

 

Post # 35
Member
9388 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

you can help him feel better by not putting up with it.

I would never seriously date someone who quietly let people say crap like that about me, including their own parents.  Why don’t you tell them to shut up?  That they’re being disrespectful to you and him–since you’ve chosen him.  Why don’t you block their email addresses and cut them off?

They’re forcing you to choose between them and him.. and he is just a boyfreind, so maybe he isn’t the one who you will choose.. but make a choice, for his sake and yours.

Post # 36
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

You’re about to start Med School, you don’t need this bullshit anymore, you’ll be too stressed and tired to deal with it.

Tough Love Answer: No, your parents are always going to hate your boyfriend (which he probably knew without reading all the emails) and No your boyfriend will never respect your parents.

You cannot. repeat. CANNOT have a relationship with your parents and your boyfriend simultaneously and make everyone happy. won’t ever happen, let that dream die.

IF your parents are important to you, eventually your relationship will end. If they are NOT, you can ignore them and hopefully your relationship won’t end for other reasons (though it might)

Time to look in the mirror and decide what you want. Frankly if I were you I would wash my hands with the boyfriend, and put my parents on Time Out until I was done Med School because this drama is going to make you old before your time, or cause an emotional breakdown

Post # 37
Member
4363 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

What I don’t understand is why you’re so sure that one day things will just magically get better when your parents have made it abundantly clear they aren’t changing. 

Post # 39
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t know the back story and I don’t know your parents, but in my experience everytime my parents haven’t liked a boyfriend or friend of mine, they have somehow always been right! 

I’m not saying this is definitely applicable in this situation and I definitely wouldn’t put up with my parents writing nasty emails to me about my boyfriend, but have you tried looking at it from their point of view and seeing if maybe they are correct?

Post # 40
Member
6873 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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koalaboo:  I’m sorry that the only thing you got from my post was my question about you leaving the page open.  There was a hell of a lot more to it, including some very sound advice.  Perhaps you shoudl reconsider some of what it says.  You MUST stand up for him and I mean solidly, without a chink in the armor.

Post # 41
Member
4920 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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koalaboo:  gees ……generalization of a lifetime! I didn’t know ‘separation issue’s’ was just an ‘Italian’ thing!!! *smh

Just like to point out that the separation thing is not just on the side of your parents . it goes two ways because you can’t seem to cut the strings from your parents . you are still listening to their crap and allowing the attachment to go on ….the onus in most of this situation is on you because it is your behaviour and beliefs that is allowing this to continue. They will never ever all just get along as I and many other bees have pointed out and you can’t seem to understand that .

I honestly hope your boyfriend ends up realizing that life is too short to have to deal with a situation like this. He is getting hit from both sides . I’m sure he could deal if it was just your parents doing the wrong thing but it is near impossible when your other half isn’t 100 percent on your side standing up for you and expecting you to grovel and ignore bad behaviour from their parents.

Another thing to think about ….why do you save and read the smses and emails from your parents??? The point that you save and read the emails speaks volumes. Most people in this situation would open the email start reading and if they think its ‘full of crap’ would stop reading  go ‘bugger this’ and delete it straight away. You keeping and reading it all kind of suggests consciously or subconsciously that you are taking that information and considering it to have merit. Again it is your behaviour and choices that has allowed this to continue and escalate…..

 

Post # 42
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee

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cmsgirl:  +100. My initial thought was why save all those emails and texts in the first place?!! Heck, sometimes me and my bff vent about DHs to each other via text (nothing major, daily boring stuff, but we talk every day) and I delete anything even slightly negative or personal right away. How do you not delete all that knowing that your SO looks at your stuff. And why make a separate email folder for “parents hate mail against boyfriend “…..Also if someone is sending “hate mail” both phone and email have a convenient “block” button.

Seems that she is purposely having him find it. Maybe it’s some sort of satisfaction to present to him how much of a hero she is for defending him to her parents. Like look at what horrible stuff they are saying about you and I always defend you- see I am just so awesome to you for defending you to them. 

Post # 43
Member
4920 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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solnishko1186:  glad to see I’m not the only one to find this behavior odd ….

Post # 44
Member
254 posts
Helper bee

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koalaboo:  IMO, seems like you’re parents aren’t toxic at all. Seems to me that they see something in your SO that you’ve gone blind too. I think that you’re boyfriend pressured you to move in with him and you’re parents knew that was going on and weren’t happy about it. You sided with you’re boyfriend, shortly after you posted about wondering if the spark in a relationship fades, yes but not to the extent that you were speaking of. Then fast forward to this post you “Half showed” him a text message, why? Because part of you knows that what they are saying is true? Not to mention he goes through you’re personal emails? Seems to me like you’re boyfriend is probably manipulative, a mooch and probably is psycho….and you’re just mad you’re parents are right.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  MrsDerushie16.
Post # 45
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

Ok, so I went back and re-read the original post as well as some of your other posts, and just want to say that it reminds me A LOT of my ex. He was controlling, and manipultive, absuve and many other things (that I mentioned in my response yesterday). 

You said he pressured you to move in together because otherwise he wouldn’t see you. My ex wanted that too… and made comments about how we needed a place because I needed to be away from my parents and later learned that this was his goal in isolating me away from my parents and friends (beside the fact of hating my parents, he sent messages to my friends from my facebook saying these horrible things to them to make them think it was me). On repeated occasions said things like he was the only one I needed and my parents needed to be out of my life. Now, as facebook has the thing where it shows things posted that day from years before, I’ll see posts that he had posted that even said “this is me, all you need, no one, NO ONE else”. His stepmom kicked him out of their house and he had no place to go and ended up moving in with us, because I was scared to tell him no (he had never hit me, but came close and was extremely emotionally abusive and told me that I”d be stupid to give him up because no one would ever love me the way he did. Sadly, I believed him. I distanced myself from my mom, even giving up a trip I really wanted to go on because he didn’t want me to go becuase “all you’ll do is be around your mom. Why can’t I go on this trip?” The worst part is I had gone and saw my aunt and uncle for a bit, and left early because he told me I needed to get back. What I regret the most is that is the last time I saw my uncle. He died not too long after and I never got to see him again. I’ll never be able to get over that regret. 

He was awful to me, and to my parents, yet I was scared to tell him to leave because I believed him, that no one else would ever love me or want to be with me and being with him had to be better than being single. 

He told me wished my parents were dead. He told other people that too. We had joined a Sunday school class and he repeatedly told them how much he did for me (that he paid my bills and was getting me out in the world) and painted this great picture of himself, but forgot to tell them how he was living off my parents rent and bill free (he didnt’ even buy food because he coudln’t keep a job). He yelled at my mom all the time, told me that he couldn’t beleive she couldn’t respect him and why did she have to stay up late and why couldn’t she go to bed at a decent hour? (She’s always been a night owl and stays up late in the living room to watch television. He wanted her to go to bed about 8 so he could watch and do what he wanted). Then he lost hte one job he did have, and instead of looking for another, lounged around all day and said he was waiting on a back check they owed him because he was right, they were wrong (he never got it by the way, and then got another job he ended up getting fired for). We were barely together a year and he was fired from 3 jobs in that time span, always telling his bosses off and how to do their job. I ended up in so much debt for him (I’m still paying off a car lease he got in my name, threatened me into signing for it and then he stopped paying and it got repossessed, and a phone bill that was the same way, he told me he wouldn’t leave until I got him a phone, and then stopped paying so I”m still paying off that bill as well. By time I’m done, it’ll be almost $10k of debt). 

Then finally one day I just couldn’t take it anymore and he yelled at me and called me some names and I was already in a mood and told him it was over and to get out. He left, grudingly, but I still had to have contact with him as the stuff he was suppossed to pay, and then as I said earlier, he defaulted on it all so I’m paying it now. The only good thing out of all that is that now I have absolutely no contact with him because all of that is done). 

At the time, all I wanted as for my parents to accept him. Because I wondered why they couldn’t just be happy for me. Then afterwards I realized that they were right. 

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