- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2011
Excuse the long story…. but I need to talk about this and don’t want to share it with people personally..<br />A couple of months into my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I dating he happened to show me a text message from his brother, when he was showing it to me another text popped up with one of those kissy heart face emoji’s from a girl. I asked him at that time if I had anything to worry about and he said “no, of course not.” and said that it was a friend/client of his that was going through a divorce and was needing some help on a financial situation. I said ok and never mentioned it again. <br />Fast forward three months ahead (December) and my Boyfriend or Best Friend purchased a new phone and had left it on my bed. I noticed it on the bed and I have quite the active puppy so I merely picked it up to move it out of harm’s way. I happened to see a text message from him to the same girl. I honestly did not read the texts back and forth (I feel that is a huge invasion of someone’s privacy), but I happened to see a text on there were he had said to her. The text was him asking her when they could have another play date and that she drives him crazy. I honestly didn’t know how to react or know what to do. He had a huge meeting that morning and I didn’t want to ruin work for him so I said nothing. I waited until that afternoon and calmly sent him a text explaining what happened and what I saw. He immediately started to defend himself about the situation and admitted who it was that he was texting (ex-girlfriend). Apparently they had kept in contact and remained friends after their amicable breakup. Now I don’t mind that he has friends that are girls at all and I don’t even mind if they happen to be an ex, but what I do mind is that he lied about who she was from the start and kept it behind my back. He said that in the original situation that we were newly dating and he wasn’t sure how I would react to the fact that he was texting an ex. The other key point to this is he has NEVER wanted to discuss his last relationship and what happened, so I literally had no idea that she even existed really. He tried to prove his case and showed me a text that he had sent his friend about his ex and it was basically that he had continued a friendship with her after they broke up and a couple of nights before I discovered that text he had went out to dinner with her. Apparently she had texted him and asked him to go to dinner. He then told his friend that she could not offer him anything that he needed/wanted or deserved, but that she makes it more difficult the further he progresses with me and that he feels like if he lost me he would forever regret it. He told his friend that he wished that they had some kind of closure and that staying in touch makes it incredibly difficult and that I didn’t deserve that. I never would have known about the dinner, but he told me on his own (we live 1 1/2hrs apart). The funny thing is the night that he went out with her he had texted me to tell me that he was going to be on the phone with his brother for a bit (he lives in another state) I never thought anything of it at all. Anyway we went through all of this and discussed it at GREAT length and I told him that I couldn’t accept the two of them communicating and that I couldn’t tell him what to do, but it wasn’t something that I could deal with and would have to move on. He thought about it and decided that I was what he wanted and said that if she were to make any contact again with him that he would tell me about it. I never brought it up again and thought that he was just having a hard time distancing himself from that relationship as nothing bad had happened between them and honestly if I had known about her and didn’t feel she was a big secret that he hid from me I wouldn’t have liked the communication, but I would have been able to deal with it to a point.<br />Fast Forward again to February (by this time we have been together a year) beginning… we were both at my house and I don’t know why (because I never have before), but I decided to look at his phone while he was in the shower. I know it was wrong for me to do, but honestly I thought that I wouldn’t find anything and we could close that mistake that he had and continue moving forward… well I scanned through his texts (some reason he keeps everything.. pack rat) and I wasn’t seeing her name which made me feel so relieved, but then I noticed that he had two text dialogues with the girl on his phone which struck me as odd… so I scrolled back to the most current one and didn’t even read the texts, but went to the details (he has an iPhone) to see if any pictures were sent and it turns out that he had changed his exes name to the other girls name. I didn’t find any inappropriate texts, but there were selfies back and forth between the two of them and some of the same pictures he had sent me… oddly enough the most disturbing thing was it was like they were having the same conversation with pictures that we were. I felt guilty enough going through his phone that honestly I didn’t even read what the texts said. It was enough that he had changed her name, lied about not speaking with her and was sending her the same pictures as myself. I felt myself boiling and I didn’t want to get in a yelling argument and let him leave and I thought about what happened and what I wanted to do with the information that I had. I let him know later that day that I knew what he did and of course the first thing that came out of his mouth was that I went through his phone.. He said that he had changed the name because she was continuing to text him and he didn’t want another fight like we had before and that he didn’t want to be mean to her. Of course I said oh you don’t want to be mean to her, but you will lie to me and hurt my feelings and that’s ok? We had several conversations about this after that day and even spoke in person and it was finally once again agreed that if he had any contact that he would tell me and that he was going to text her that he could no longer continue their friendship.<br />So we go through Valentine’s Day and spent the week together (we don’t live together and still live 1 1/2hrs apart) and everything seems good and then one day he sends me a text message telling me that she had reached out again. It was odd because he didn’t send me a picture of her text he sent me a screenshot of his whole text log from everyone and all I could see was her name and part of the message that she sent which said ” I assume that I did something wrong to make you not respond to the text I” So he then tells me that he isn’t sure if he wants to text her at all and thinks that he should just leave it alone. I say no way as the reason you told me you were still communicating was because you didn’t want to be mean to her and ignoring her would be just that and it also leaves it open for another conversation. He told her that “I think that we would both agree that its inappropriate for me to continue this correspondence while in a committed relationship with someone I care very deeply for. I’ve been disrespecting her by having this ongoing communication and I feel like an @ss.” Well something still didn’t sit right with me about the way he sent me the text that she sent him (text log and not just her text) so I asked him about it, he got defensive and then admitted that she had texted him the day before Valentine’s Day (after we already agreed he would tell me about any correspondence) She texted him asking about his week and if it was any better than the week before and made a complaint about her life and told him Happy Valentine’s Day for tomorrow and sent a bunch of hearts. He couldn’t understand why I was so mad that he didn’t tell me about it after he had just sent her the text ending all communication. I said because once again you have hidden something from me and we made an agreement and you went from it. He said that because of the context of the text she sent he didn’t want to respond to that one and I said that is fine, but you should have told me and told me why you didn’t want to. By not telling me he doesn’t get that he looks like a shady liar. She responded to his text telling him that she loved him and that she missed him and will miss him as a friend. The thing is when he sent me what she sent him he dropped out the part where she said that she loved him. I thought the text looked weird and I asked him what the rest of the text said and he said well why does it matter she knows that all the correspondence is over and I said because you have been so sneaky with everything it really does and I said it matters if you responded and he said he hadn’t.<br />Well here I am now and after this last incident I don’t feel the same way that I felt about him anymore. Anything that he does severely annoys me and honestly during the day I don’t care if I don’t hear from him. I know that I have been distancing myself and making up excuses why I cannot see him. I do love him, but I think that everything he has done has caused me to lose that passion and respect that I had for him. Things that he does that I used to overlook bother me now. We all have our stuff and our quirks and I overlooked a lot of his, but the thing that I cannot tolerate is lying and sneaking. It really disappointed me that he never gave me a chance to be understanding about his past relationship as he lied from the beginning and I still don’t know what happened between the two of them and a major concern I have is that is there going to be some reconciliation between the two of them. I have asked him to explain what he meant when he told his friend “but that she makes it more difficult the further he progresses with me” and why after he had dinner and he said he felt so guilty about lying to me about it why he said to her “when can we have another playdate and you drive me crazy”. His response to that is that it just is and I don’t always have to know how everything is or why and that I just have to trust him and know its resolved. I feel that I am second best and that if he could he would be with her and I feel that is what his actions say.<br />Other than this situation he is a great guy and comes from a great family. He has always been respectful and has excellent morals and values, but I am afraid that this last incident pushed me to the point where I have now built a wall and have closed myself off to him emotionally. I now I know I have changed how I treat him and I don’t say I love you anymore and I am not affectionate. I also find myself wondering when he is telling me something is he actually doing that or is he lying and sneaking around and I have never thought that about him before. Is this something that I should just cut my loses and move on or do I try to repair it? How do you get over the lies and move on when he is still very secretive about that relationship?<br />SORRY FOR THE EXTREMELY LONG STORY, but clearly I need some advice!