(Closed) BFF Betrayal wedding sabotage (advice)

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 17
Member
4554 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I can kind of see where you’re coming from.

One of my bridesmaids had been engaged about 6 months before we got engaged, but had planned a long engagement and hadn’t ever set a date. So we set ours. A few months later, when she was ready to set hers, she called and asked me again when mine was, and set it two months later, even though she had been waiting longer.

I will agree with PPs that you don’t get an entire month, but when someone is a member of your bridal party, it’s a little different. Her booking her wedding on a date that basically ensures she won’t be able to live up to her commitment as a bridesmaid–especially since she hasn’t given you a satisfactory reason as to why she did this–shows she doesn’t value your friendship much.

Post # 18
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee

I’d be annoyed if I were you too. Are they destination weddings? I know you mentioned a flight somewhere so I imagine it’s going to be a pain in the ass for mutual friends to make both. Weddings are a financial strain on guests and participants.

Post # 19
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@alzell02:  +1

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@Caddyshack:  +1

I don’t understand how people are saying “Well if she didn’t know you can’t be mad.” YOU HAVE BEEN PLANNING FOR MORE THAN A YEAR. She clearly DID know. She agreed to be in your wedding. And I assume she has been along the planning process, probably has her dress, etc.

She is being horribly rude. If she was really a friend, I would expect her to want you in her wedding as much as she is in yours. And as a true friend, if I got engaged and was going to be in my friend’s wedding, I’d either have it before (by a month or two) or after (also by a month or two). Planning a wedding is hard!

Rude. Just rude. I don’t have any advice for you but to let this one go. To me she sounds like she’s being selfish as hell. Do you really want someone like that in your life? I see what others are saying about you each thinking your wedding is more important, but in this case, I do feel like there has been more than ample time for your friend to have been aware of everything and her choice is deliberate.

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@EffieTrinket:  +1 also.

ETA: It’s also rude to have to put that kind of strain on guests. Since you’re friends I would imagine you guys have mutual friends who might now be forced to choose. How inconsiderate!

Post # 20
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t think she is being a good friend at all. A good friend would’ve sat down and discussed the date with you when the knew how close they were cutting it to yours. Has she given any specific reason why she picked that date? You should certainly bring it up and ask her because then it’ll come out if it is important or if she just picked it for the heck of it!

From my perspective it seems like she is trying to send a message about something. If you can’t attend her wedding and she makes a big deal of it you need to be clear and firm. Remind her that she knew your wedding day when she set hers and she had to deal with the consequences of it.

Post # 23
Member
4044 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Sapphire_Queen:  I think you have every right to be pissed off and I don’t know why people are telling you otherwise! I understand the whole “you get one day” thing but it seems that she is interrupting your “one day”.

If they dont want to wait, why can’t they do it sooner? Your wedding is almost a year away (if your date is correct!). There is absolutely NO reason why she has to do it 5 DAYS before your wedding. She knew your date and knew the plan. It sounds to me like she is a bad friend who is acting very selfishly and trying to steal your attention. Will there be a problem with friends having to decide between the two weddings? That would make me even more annoyed. I’d probably send my invites out super early so everyone got mine first (spiteful… maybe!) and had to RSVP. 

Honestly, I would sit her down and speak to her and say something along these lines: “You have known of my wedding date since xyz and agreed to be in the bridal party. If you want to have your date five days before mine, that is fine, but you know I will be unable to attend due to the fact of xyz. Please let me know if you can be in my wedding by XYZ (and give her a close date so you have a firm answer)”. If she wont give you an answer by the date, I would talk to her and say “I can’t have someone not show last minute. I am assuming you do not want to be in it any longer. I would still love to have you as a guest”

That’s all I would give her- then the ball is in her court. I would pass along the bridesmaid duties to your other members of the bridal party and the Maid/Matron of Honor.

 

Post # 24
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Sapphire_Queen:  

Here is how I see it. She made a commitment to you to be your bridesmaid, correct? So she knew she already had other plans for your wedding, hence probably shouldn’t have planned her own wedding immediately before yours with a honeymoon to follow.

Personally if I was close enough to someone to be their bridesmaid, and knew they had been planning a wedding for that long, I would respect that and have mine at another time.

If her date is not flexible, then I say you just don’t have her in your wedding, and you can’t be in hers. Weddings are very important to a lot of people, and if she doesn’t understand how important yours is to you to the point she would plan her own so close to it (interferring with yours) I’d say she isn’t a very good friend anyways.

Post # 25
Member
41 posts
Newbee

I think she is being extremely selfish and insensitive! I get that no one else will care about your wedding more than you, but if she is so close to you and cares so much about you wouldn’t she pick a different date? I would never pick a date so close to my best friends wedding especially because I would want her to be there and I would want to be there for hers. Plus that would be too much going on at once and that would be super stressful! I honestly don’t think she is being a very good friend at all and you absolutely have a right to be angry and hurt. It looks like you will not be able to be in each others weddings and that sucks but that was her choice not yours! 

Post # 26
Member
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Sapphire_Queen:  “she told me I’m invading on her honeymoon when I went over the wedding timeline

When was she expecting to get back from her honeymoon? What was in your timeline which interfered with it – i.e. how many days before the wedding were you expecting your bridesmaids to arrive?

This sounds more like a misunderstanding or poor planning. Like

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@BlondeBee:  , I’ve known girls to be each other’s BMs a week apart, so maybe your friend honestly thought it could work.

Post # 28
Member
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Sapphire_Queen:  Just one day before for the rehearsal, that is very reasonable, especially since you told her beforehand.

I think you’re doing the right thing getting her to step down as Bridesmaid or Best Man (and not being willing to mess up your preparation to attend hers). But I would still put it down to poor planning on her part (rather than sabotage / betrayal), and I hope your friendship can survive this.

It may seem huge at the moment but in the long run (speaking as an older lady who’s been to lots of weddings, and had to miss a couple), one person missing a wedding is no big deal. The last wedding I was at, the bride’s brother missed the wedding because his wife was heavily pregnant – and the wedding had been planned more than 9 months in advance. Everyone realised that’s just how it was, life events happen.

Post # 29
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee

@Sapphire_Queen:  You are being pretty dramatic about the rehearsal.  If this is all about her being at the rehearsal, she does NOT need to be there.  I went thru my entire rehearsal saying “Where in the heck is MOH?”  She was at the ER with her mom and this was 17+ years ago and she didn’t yet have a cell phone.

It took me 15 seconds to tell her what she needed to do, where to stand, and to be sure to fluff my train.  Done.

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