BFF is having a family only wedding. Do I have to buy a gift for her?

posted 2 years ago in Gifts and Registries
  • poll: Would you buy her a gift?

    Yes, with a card and gift.

    No

    Yes, send her a card but no gift.

    No, be petty and send her a card with all the year long services you did for her as the gift.

  • Post # 16
    Member
    1709 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    Your gift has been your help.  

    A congrats note would be nice. 

    I don’t understand not inviting your best friend,  even to a family only wedding.  My best friend is family. 

    Post # 17
    Member
    1466 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    If you did the same thing to her, would she be torn up about not giving her a gift?  Probably not.  

    She doesn’t sound cheap.  She sounds like a user.  

    Post # 18
    Member
    477 posts
    Helper bee

    You offered your time, though… 

    She said she didn’t want a Maid/Matron of Honor or bridesmaids and you said you took up Maid/Matron of Honor duties anyway. She didn’t ask you to. You offered to help. 

    Is it possible that she did mention she was having a family only wedding and you just weren’t paying attention? Did she actively make it a secret or were you just not listening because you assumed you’d get an invite? 

    In any case, I don’t think it’s necessary to send a wedding gift; you’re not invited. Usually a wedding gift is only expected/etiquette-required if you receive an invitation to the wedding and/or reception or if you’re declining a wedding invite.

    You’re not invited so you’re not required/expected to give anything.

    Post # 19
    Member
    9831 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I wouldn’t send a gift.

    If anything I’d give her a card. If she dared to mention the lack of gift, I’d tell her I’d “gifted” her my weekends for the past year…

    Post # 20
    Member
    331 posts
    Helper bee

    I give a gift to everyone I consider friends, even if I can’t make it to their wedding. Etiquette says gifts are only required if you are invited to a party and you actually go.

    That said, I don’t think she was taking advantage of you. She made sure you know that she’s keeping costs down by having a simple wedding with no Bridesmaid or Best Man, no Maid/Matron of Honor. You went out of your way to do things for her was nice, but not required/requested. Which now looks like you have ulterior motives for being nice to a friend. She should at least acknowledge your contributions but she didn’t ask you to so you don’t have any legitimate claim to complain that you were taken advantage of.

    Post # 21
    Member
    5158 posts
    Bee Keeper

    No gift. You already gave your time with her DIY projects. It’s never rewarding to be in a friendship or relationship with someone who is cheap. Not frugal – cheap. Big difference. And from your examples, this girl is as cheap as the day is long. Cheap people think only of themselves. 

    I’d distance myself from this girl. She’s not worth it, and as you get older you will find you have less patience for being treated badly.

    Post # 22
    Member
    745 posts
    Busy bee

    Wow. She sounds like a terrible friend. I definitely would not get her a gift!! Your gift is the hours and hours and elbow grease that you’ve already contributed to her wedding. Seriously. What a cheapskate! And she took advantage of you. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    13613 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    It’s not necessary to be invited or attend a wedding in order to feel moved to give a nice gift to a close friend. But allowing you to work to decorate for her wedding and throw an event meant exclusively for guests all the while knowing you will not be included is offensive.

    I’d send her a card and then consider if she’s really the kind of person you want to have as a friend. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    333 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    LOL! Wow. Your friend is a piece of work! Frankly, I consider my best friends to be my chosen family, so as far as I’m concerned what she pulled is really low. That said, I pity her. She won’t have you by her side on her wedding day. That’s a big loss and I bet in the end she’ll regret it. 

    If I were you I would be the bigger person. Buy her a card and an inexpensive gift (20-25$ range… maybe a bottle of wine or some bubble bath and candles?). Personalize it as much as possible, but don’t overspend. You’ll have peace of mind knowing that you did the right thing. Your friend’s reaction to the gift will also speak volumes as to the future of the relationship. Use it as a bellwether. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    1575 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

    Send a card and move on!

    Post # 28
    Member
    1004 posts
    Bumble bee

    That’s incredibly tacky on her part. Why do you want to maintain this friendship again?  

    Post # 29
    Member
    396 posts
    Helper bee

    She shouldn’t have accepted a bachelorette party, either, if there were people invited she knew wouldn’t be invited to the wedding.  And since she knew she wasn’t inviting you, she should have declined the offer.

    Post # 30
    Member
    1612 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    View original reply
    familyonlyweddinghelp :  hell of my bff of 20 years told me she was having a family only wedding i would be hurt that she doesn’t consider me family after that length of time. I see family as being much more than blood more like who has been by your side and supported you which it seems like you did. My best friend and I grew up 3 blocks from each other literally call our families our 2nd families we can walk right in each other’s houses so I would be beyond hurt if I wasn’t invited to a family only wedding like shoot I’m not family to you. My heart goes out to you bee.

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