Post # 1
I could really use some advice; my bff was in a relationship with her bf for 7 years and he was actually really sweet, kind, and funny and they were devoted to each other. However, during the last year he went a bit funny (he was working away) and they ended up breaking up. My friend was devastated and disappointed: during the whole 7 years she was devoted to him and it felt to all of us so sudden and like it was over in a day.
Anyway, she’s met this new guy almost the week she broke up with her ex, and 4 weeks later he proposes! And she accepts!
I am not the sort of person who interferes and I am delighted for her! But her mom is worried and asked me to talk to her. I said no because she’s old enough to make her own decisions (32) plus she’s smart and I want her to be happy, but now I’ve been thinking of this a bit.
Not only does it seem like it must be a rebound, and they’re engaged so quickly, but he’s also, er, very very extreme in one side of politics (I only know this coz I read an old blog of his) and I know her family are very on the other side.
Ideally I think I’m still wanting to let her make her own decisions, but I’m a bit worried and I’d be really happy for advice about people’s own experience with how long rebounds last or what would happen for couples who are very different in their political opinions, because if something does happen I really want to be able to recognize the warning signs because she’s my bff and I want to be there for her and for her to be happy in the end 🙁
Thanks so much for your help!
Post # 3
james carville, a prominent and outspoken democrat has been married to Mary Matalin, who worked for George Bush, since 1992. If they can do it i’m sure other people can.
It does sound like a rebound, but you didn’t mention when they set their date for? Is it soon?
Post # 4
@TinaJade Well….sometimes when you know you just know. I’ve heard of people getting married fairly quickly and being together forever. And then sometimes as we all know people rush into things and it just doesn’t last very long at all and then they end up divorced…this is something that you can express your concern to her on but ultimately it’s her decision and will have to take its course. Even though they are engaged maybe they will have a long engagement and get to know each other better and be sure before actually getting married….so, I hope it works out for the best.
Post # 5
Ha this is actually similar to what happened to me… I dated my ex for almost 7 years but I ended it and started dating my now-husband about a week later. To be fair my ex and I were long distance the whole 7 years and I had enough, he just wasnt making an effort to change that etc etc etc! Anyways..and when I started dating my husband we had been friends previously for about 8-9ish years. We knew we were going to marry a few weeks into the relationship..got engaged officially a few months in and got married shortly after.
Its probably a similiar kind of situation with your friend. I understand you are worried but she is definitely old enough to make these decisions and I hope they at least wait a while before really getting married… I think you can express your concerns but be careful about what you say and how so you dont hurt her : )
Post # 6
maybe your friend and this guy had been talking while she was with her ex ?
i was with my ex for a little more than 2 years, broke up. had enough ! got engaged to my now husband 6 months later. we are not happily married and expecting our first baby.
Post # 7
I honestly think it depends on the people involved. I actually met my SO on the day he broke up with his ex (they were together a year) and I moved in with him 3 months after that. Of course we didn’t get engaged after a month, but we did about 10 months after we met. We just knew.
I think it’s ok for you to express your concerns but she’s definitely old enough to make the decision.
Post # 8
I wouldn’t worry about the politics, but it does sound like a rebound to me. Hopefully she’ll have a long engagement. At the end of the day you can’t stop her, only express your concerns and hope she listens. Be prepared though if this hurts the friendship.
Post # 9
Engaged isn’t married, and it’s possible for a couple to buck traditional ideas surrounding love,courtship and marriage and still be successful. Be happy for them, be her friend, it will either work out or fall apart but not because of something you or her Mom says.
Post # 10
Take the politics out. They really don’t matter in the case of love and relationships. As for your friend and her mom being concerned. Tell her that. Don’t attack her and tell her she is crazy or ask her what she is thinking. just talk to her, she is your best friend and friends can say anything to each other. sit down with her and tell her your concerns and just explain that you want her to be happy but that you don’t want her to get hurt. her response will tell you everything you need to know and perhaps put her mother at ease.
Post # 11
I met my Fiance within 2 weeks of breaking up with my ex and we knew from day 1 that we were going to get married. Everyone said it was a rebound. Then we moved in together after 6 months and everyone said we were moving too fast.
You know what? When you know, you know. We’re both in our late 20s, finished with school, in our careers. We knew what we wanted in a life-partner and we found it in each other. It wasn’t a rebound, it wasn’t moving too fast. It was just right for us and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Differing political reasons are really not a reason for two people not to marry.
And, clearly, length of a relationship has nothing to do with strength. Her relationship for 7 years was not right and it didn’t work out. So, why can’t a relationship for 4 weeks work out?
Unless you have another reason that you think this guy isn’t right for her, I would say not to get involved.
If you still want to be a good friend and keep your word, schedule an in-person over coffee or lunch meeting with just you and your BFF and talk to her about everything that is going on. Just let her tell you everything she thinks and feels right now and assess for yourself whether you would advise her not to marry this guy if they were dating for 4 years instead of 4 weeks.
Post # 12
What if you just strongly encourage pre-martial counseling to your friend?
Post # 13
@mrshersch74: I assume you mean “now happily married” instead of “not happily married”?
Post # 14
I think as a friend, it’s well within your rights to speak up and tell her that you worry about her taking things too fast with the new guy. Don’t attack her or make her defensive, just let her know that you care about her and you’re sure the new guy is great, but maybe she should slow down and take time to know each other better before getting married. He might seem great now, but that may be only the tip of the iceberg.
Sure some people have had this kind of relationship and it worked out, but they are outliers and in most cases it winds up being a huge mistake.
Post # 15
I went through a similar situation with one of my friends. She was with her Fi for about 10 years (they were engaged for the last 3 of them) and they had a terrible breakup. She met her new Boyfriend or Best Friend about a month after the breakup. We all (her friends) thought it was just a rebound relationship at first, but after a short time (a couple of months maybe) we realized it was much more serious. We were really surprised when she announced she was engaged. A couple of us went out with her one night and just told her our concerns. We said we would be there for her and she was obviously old enough to make her own decisions (I think she was also around 32) but we were worried about things moving so fast. My friend was very receptive and thanked us for caring. We didn’t bother her after that and she got married to this guy. They’ve now been married for 8 years, so sometimes these things do work out.
Post # 16
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Get together for a coffee date, tell her how happy you are, and that because you love her, you’re just worried that things are moving too fast. Express your concerns, but tell her you’re there for her no matter what. You don’t want to alienate her, but you have very valid concerns. (The political issues, I’m not concerned about.)