Post # 18
I agree with the posters who are saying to voice concerns over the drug use. I think you can try to address this nonconfrontationally, without bashing the Fiance etc. I think that while she might have had others speak up, those folks are most likely parents etc. And to get a concerning conversation from a friend might hold more weight (unfortunately) than a parent who’s coming across as "controlling". In addition I think if down the road, your friend became addicted to drugs, you would feel terribly for not at least saying something "way back when"….
Tell her you want to support her on her wedding day, just tell her you want to get one thing off your chest, first. But it seems like after reading what the posters who have been in the cruddy relationships have to say, don’t mention the lousiness of the Fiance, just the drugs. You can incorporate some of the side effects you feel are wrong with the relationship. ie. "I’m concerned that you are trying drugs. I don’t want you to get addicted and lose sight of your dreams and goals you’ve set for yourself."
Post # 19
Thanks for all of the advice. You ladies brought up many points and angles that I didn’t necessarily think of. Thanks!
Post # 20
@miss burgundy: Yes, I agree there is a distinction between voicing concern over drug use vs. whether she should marry him. I agree with all that you said about how to approach that issue. 🙂
It’s the more blanket "you shouldn’t marry this guy because he’s a loser" talks I was worried about and advising against (not that anyone in particular was suggesting doing this, just sayin’). Talking about the drug use may be an inroad into a conversation about his general suitability for marriage though, good point.
Post # 21
I would at least express my opinion to her in a very polite and loving way; you don’t have to be rude or completely tear him down. Obviously she loves him, and I think she might get angry with you if you let all of your feelings out about him; she’ll be on the defense. Just express your opinion to her in a short manner and just tell her that you love her and have her best interest in mind, and if she really loves you, she’ll respect you for making your opinion known. That way, you will get it off your chest and know that you did everything you could; the rest is up to her. At the end of the day she is going to do what she wants to do.
And just remember if you do say something, say it in a loving way. I’ve been on her end where my family didn’t like my guy and they did it in such a hateful way; now don’t get me wrong, they had a right to say something, but they did it in such a horrible way. I was still in love with him and they never took my feelings into consideration and I really felt torn between my family and him.
Post # 22
Ouch! This is so tricky, because if you say something and she reacts badly it could put a big rift in your friendship. But as a friend I know you would feel worse if something happened to your friend (becoming addicted to drugs).
I would just be a good friend and be there for her if she comes to you for advice or an opinion. We can all be told what the "right" thing to do is, but sometimes we learn best through our experiences or "mistakes".