Post # 1
I’m posting yet another follow-up on my situation, so this may be redundant for some of you who may have read my previous posts. But just as the title says, I’m confused about how to move forward with my close friend who missed my Destination Wedding wedding in NYC. Here’s a recap: when I thought about having my dream wedding in NYC, I asked one of my best friends if she’d come and if she’d be my bridesmaid. She said yes to both. Shortly after she expressed concerns about money since she spends a lot on her kid’s sports. I offered her to stay with me in NYC. However, shortly after that she found a new job with a significant pay bump and she then said she’d definitely go, she even said she’d pay for her boyfriend to come with her. I was very excited but felt a little odd that she was never available whenever I wanted to touch base with her on a few bridesmaids related things, like dresses, hair/makeup, processional, speeches, etc. I understood she had a new job and her kid plays a lot of sports, so I tried not to bother her and planned everything with my other bridesmaids and paid for everything. After several attempts to meet to give her the bridesmaid dress, she finally agreed to meet only to cancel on me on the last minute. After that, she told me via FB message she wasn’t sure she’d make it too my wedding after all because her boss was sending to work to Florida (we live in CA) and that he told her he wasn’t sure he’d be able to give her a day off to fly to NYC (it’s a short plane trip from Florida to NYC) because she’d be working on a project 12 hrs a day, 7 days a week. She said she’d live the last of week of September and she’d stay there for a couple of weeks, even a couple of months “depending on how things went.”
That’s when I posted about my feelings on this platform and I received a lot of negative feedback. I was called selfish for not understanding my friend’s situation, and self-centered for assuming everyone prioritized my wedding when, in truth, it’s only important to me. I felt misunderstood because my point was that I was hurt by the way she communicated the news to me (via FB message) and that I had an intuitive feeling she wasn’t being fully honest with me, and as friends of years and years, all I wanted was the truth, even if she still couldn’t/didn’t want to attend, Anyway, didn’t say anything to her other than how I understood her situation, that I was sad she’d miss it, but that I wished her the best in Florida. I told her I’d show her pictures as soon as possible. As the weeks passed, she never went to Florida. Since I was too preoccupied with my wedding prep, I actually didn’t even think about the situation during that time. However, the day before my wedding she sent me a long message saying how she had everything packed to leave to Virginia that weekend (my wedding weekend) for her training, but that her boss told her at the last minute that she really didn’t have to go because “it wasn’t that important after all.” So, this entire time, she never left town and she still missed my wedding. I was baffled because she first said Florida and now Virginia? And she said she’d be going to work on a project and now it’s a training? I can’t help but to feel like she wasn’t fully honest with me, and that’s what really hurts. She wants to “take me out” to celebrate my wedding, but I don’t know if I’d like that yet. I just don’t know how to tell her how I feel.
Post # 2
Well, you knew she wasn’t coming and have known for a while, so this part wasn’t a shock.
Seems like she doesn’t think of you to be as close of a friend as you think of her. I know that hurts but thats the reality. She might be your BFF but you clearly aren’t hers. You need to decide if you’re okay still being just a random friend or if you would rather let the friendship fizzle.
Personally, I would just let the friendship fade and stop trying to talk her. I also think her offer to take you out was more out of politeness than anything and if you don’t push it I doubt she will either.
Post # 3
I can’t say why other bees said what they said to your last post (i did not read it as i never saw it). But from what I am reading here this does sound like a crappy situation. I’m sorry your friend had to miss your wedding and I understand why you are upset. I would be too. There may be a reason why she acted the way she did but the only way to know is by talking to her. Have you tried giving her a call?
Post # 4
It sounds as if your BFF is leading a complicated life right now–single mom, new job, and possibly some things going on that you don’t know about. You’ll have to decide if you are willing to accept that she couldn’t make it, for whatever reasons, and move forward with the friendship or not. It sounds as if she would like to continue the relatiohnship and wants to do something to make it up to you. Are you open to it? Meet with her and find out what’s really going on.
Post # 5
Honestly this is not how a good friend behaves. Before anyone jumps on the OP with the usual “no one cares about your wedding as much as you do” cliches – ask yourself, would you ever behave this way to your best friend? Wold you really tell your friend you can go to the wedding and be her maid of honor, only to flake out on all pre-wedding events and then send a lame facebook message (not even a phone call!) breaking the news that actually you’re not coming, for a reason that turns out to be most likely made up? I really don’t think so.
OP, I am guessing your friend has some shit going on in her private life that for whatever reason made her unwilling or unable to go to your wedding. The way she handled it with you though has been extremely thoughtless and insensitive imo. If I were you, I’d be distancing myself emotionally from this girl. I’m not saying she’s a horrible person or anything, but it seems clear that she’s not prioritizing your friendship the way YOU do – for whatever reason.
Post # 6
I’d be hurt at the lack of honesty too, but she was probably embarrassed to be honest with you. Would you really have wanted her to tell you that your wedding wasn’t a priority to her? Maybe she thought by making up the stories about work would be less of a blow than outright telling you she wasn’t coming. Maybe she thought you would have gotten the hint.
I think she’s being a crappy friend. I’d move mountains to attend my best friend’s wedding.
I think the ball is in your court. Only you can decide how much you want to dedicate to this friendship. Clearly she is in a different place than you are since she has kids that play sports (and yes, you’d be shocked at how expensive they can be) and that is a priority to her. That doesn’t mean you can’t be friends, but maybe you’re just not besties anymore. And while it sucks, that’s sometimes how friendships can change.
Post # 7
yea I have to 100% agree with you
this girl is not a good friend. I get that whole Destination Wedding thing is hard for people to do and that they have other priorities than your wedding, etc. etc. but I feel like you gave her plenty of opportunities to be honest about her ability to make it to your wedding, and if she truly cared about your friendship she would have made more of an attempt to get there. You even offered to pay her way so she could come!
The excuses she gave you were just that…excuses. To me this shows poor character. She should have been honest with you from the get go rather than making up bullshit reasons why she couldn’t attend. If I were you I would be done with her. She has shown you how much she cares about being friends with you (not at all) and for your own sanity I would move on from your friendship and starting put time and energy into others who really truly care about you and make an effort to be your friend.
Post # 8
This would be friendship over for me. I expect honesty from my friends. I also expect people to follow through on their commitments.
Post # 9
Honestly, I would let this friendship fizzle. I remember your last thread and was amongst one of the many that said something along the lines of you being selfish. You received a ton of flack in that thread because you were the polar opposite of sympathetic towards someone who is supposed to be your best friend and was throwing a pity party because her new job had the potential to keep her from attending. It sounds as if that was the case IMO. Some fields are pretty limiting. My best friend had to attend a three week training program in KY, was able to come home for two days and then had to leave for Colorado for two months. My Fiance works for a Fortune 500 company where their training opportunities take place in Texas but he works here in Indiana. Training and projects very rarely ever fall in the same state so I wouldn’t just assume she is lying about everything. Ultimately it seems as if she just can’t prioritize you above her career and family right now. If you can’t handle that then it’s time to do you both a favor and move on.
Post # 10
Your friend handled it all very badly, it seems she knew she didn’t want all that goes along with being a Bridesmaid or Best Man, with her already hectic life. She should have been honest early on, yet she is still making excuses and downright lying.
But there is nothing to gain from sweating her for answers that you already know.
Post # 11
It seems like she was overwhelmed with her life and new job and going to a Destination Wedding would have overwhelmed her even more. Maybe she made up the story about her work trip in order to not hurt your feelings as much. It’s much easier to put the blame on her boss than herself in what she tells you. She must’ve known how important her attending your wedding was to you and how much it would hurt your feelings if she didn’t. You’ve made two posts about this now so I’m sure she knew. Yes, lying about the reason wasn’t a good idea, but would you really have been okay with her reason if it was just “i’m overwhelmed, I can’t make it”? I would not end your friendship with her, it honestly sounds like she was just trying not to hurt your feelings.
Post # 12
I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt and give her the opportunity to take you out to take you out. Her situation may be more complicated than you know.
Post # 13
I think some people here are giving your friend way too much credit. She lied, was evasive, lied some more, and did nothing that I would expect a good friend to do.
I also felt this way with your last post and was pretty appalled at some of the rude responses you received. I think these boards are tough because we all have different realities. Some people are writing from a single mother perspective where they are strapped for cash and have to do what is best for their family- so they are obviously going to side with your friend. But maybe your circle has more disposable income and it was truly shocking that she wasn’t able to come. All that to say, take the responses you get with a grain of salt. Everyone puts their own interpretation of the story into their responses, while only you can know whether she was making excuses and using some of her life circumstances to justify her pretty horrible behavior.
Post # 14
It seems like this might be a one-sided friendship — you prioritizing her as a best friend and her treating you like more of an acquaintance. If you’re interested in salvaging the relationship then by all means, let her take you out. If you’re too hurt right now, give it some time before meeting up with her. You shouldn’t lash out at her but you are definitely allowed to share your feelings with her. Ask lots of questions “Why were you being sent to VA and not FL?” and be understanding. There’s a good chance saving for her child’s college or hobbies is a priority over friends. It sucks but that’s how most parents are.
Post # 15
Talk to her.
Say something like, “I’m not upset that you didn’t attend the wedding, but I feel as though you weren’t honest with me about why. Was the situation with your job true? I wondering about this because…(list the reasons why).”
Ask her what you really want to know; address your real concern, which is the honesty issue. It may be difficult, but if you’re really that curious it’ll be worth it to ask. If you’re not satisfied with her answer and/or reaction to your question(s) and your take on the situation, feel free to end the friendship or back off of it for a bit if that’s an option.