Post # 1
Hello all! I am new to the boards and was hoping all you lovely bees could give me some advice. I got engaged one month ago while on vacation. I returned from vacation and a bunch of my friends could not wait to get together to celebrate with me. However, the same can not be said for my best friend of 8 years (the same friend who we agreed when and if I ever got married would be my maid of honor and go-to girl). I heard from her once the day after I got back, to ask how my trip was and to say we need to get together ASAP to celebrate. I told her I would be around all month to just let me know when she was free. A week goes by, then another, then another and still I hadn’t heard from her. Finally, I get a mass text from her about a party she is throwing. I was irked that it was the first time I was hearing from her after weeks of no contact or mention of my engagement and told her I would not be able to attend because I would be looking at wedding venues. I told her this in hopes that she would ask how it was going and want to get involved and maybe finally come celebrate my exciting news. She simply responded it sucked I couldn’t make it to her party, and made no mention of us getting together to celebrate or maybe even to catch up. I didn’t know how to take this so I decided to invite her to look at one venue with me so she could be involved (she always said she would be planning every step of the way with me). She said she would do her best, but I could tell it was a brush off. Since that brief conversation, another few weeks have past and I haven’t heard from her. Initially I was so caught up in the excitement of my engagement, but now her lack of contact is really hurting my feelings, especially since she still hasn’t even said she is happy for me. Family and other friends keep telling me that this is the time in your life you find out who your true friends are kind of implying that she might not be one of them…I’m just not sure what to do. Should I wait to see if she eventually reaches out to me, should I ask if my engagement is offending her in some way, or should I just pretend everything is fine and reach out to her and just not bother discussing my engagement? I really don’t think I can just pretend everything is fine, because my feelings are so hurt that its been over a month and she hasn’t tried to see me at all. If the roles were reversed, I would have been there the next day with a bottle of bubbly to celebrate!! What should I do? Any advice or stories of what you did in similar situations would be beyond appreciated. Thank you 🙂
Post # 3
It sounds like she is jealous of your engagement.
I had a semi-friend who did this to another great girlfriend, she was supposed to be her bff and go to gal and you know what the girl went MIA, never got measured for her dress, caused tons of stress and only then did my friend finally realize what a toxic friend the other girl was, it hurt her a lot but she had to just cut the girl out of her life and leave it up to her when she wanted to contact the bride to be, which now is never.
It really does show you who your true friends are. I would honestly go with another maid of honor because if this girl was truly happy for you she would have seen you within the first week to get all the details of the engagement, not blow you off.
Post # 4
I don’t think it’s fair to assume she’s jealous. I would ask if you could get together for a lunch or drink whatever and ask if something is wrong because she does not seem happy for you. Just ask he and stop guessing. What if she’s having some big problem and is thinking I can’t believe that she hasn’t contacted me. See this is how this stuff happens. If your good friends you should be able to talk to her:)
Post # 6
I had the same problem with my friend. I still don’t know what her deal is. I just learned to accept that I love her more than she loves me. (Other things she’s done led me to that conclusion as well)
Post # 7
She may be slightly jealous, or may just not understand your excitment. After all, she’s not the one who just got engaged. There have been multiple posts about newly engaged brides being hurt by family or friends’ “lack of interest” with our weddings. We have to remember that this is our own big life event, so no other person will be as excited as we are! 🙂 And we can’t blame them for that; other people have other exciting things for them going on that sometimes get over looked or under celebrated as well.
I wouldn’t look too much into it…maybe just suggest a date and time to get together and see how she responds. It doesn’t have to be to only celebrate the engagement; it can be to catch up on both your life’s changes, and also toast to your exciting news!! 🙂 If she’s still acting weird, then just ask her if something is wrong or if she’s upset about something.
Post # 8
Have you tried to conact her? You said in your post that weeks would go by and you hear nothing from her- well communication is a two way street.
Maybe she has things going on in her life that trump your engagement for her- have you even asked about her life? Maybe someoneis sick, maybe she is having troubles or someone in her family is. Sometimes people don’t want to burden others during their happy times with their woes.
If this was my friendship I would organise a get together and not talk about my wedding but talk about her life and ask if something is wrong.
“Family and other friends keep telling me that this is the time in your life you find out who your true friends are kind of implying that she might not be one of them”- Personally I really hate statements like this. Because if the sentiments are true then weddings also say a lot about the what sort of friend the bride is – as in can she get over her wedding and be a true friend.
Post # 9
Thanks for all the responses. I guess I should have included some back story to go along with this–I am jumping to the drastic conclusion that she isn’t happy for me and is ignoring me for various reasons. She has always been very selfish and needed things to go her way, so I am always the one accomodating to her. Since college ended several years ago, she has continued partying, while I have settled down and don’t enjoy going to the bars as much, but I do on occasion so I can see her (however, she never will just have a low key night with me). We have sort of drifted because of this. However, I constantly reach out and try to keep our friendship going, but it is always on her terms when we get together and she never is the one to reach out to me. I know communication is a two way street and it takes two to make a frienship work. I have just tried and tried and tried and it seems like she can’t be bothered with me anymore. I was hoping my engagement would allow us more time to hang out since she was supposed to be Maid/Matron of Honor so we would be doing things for the wedding and then I would go out of my way to make sure I was there for her to show her how much I appreciate what she is doing for me. But I just give give give and she never gives in return. That’s why I have reached out a few times and left the ball in her court for when we should get together. I keep trying but how hard can I try before I just have to let it go and see what she lets happen? I feel like I am chasing someone who doesn’t want to be caught. But I do appreciate the advice that I should try to reach out to her again and see what happens. I still have some fight left in me to keep our friendship alive, I guess I just need to hope she does too…
Thanks again for all your responses!
Post # 10
It’s important to remember when you get engaged, planning your wedding, being engaged may be the biggest thing in YOUR life, but its not going to be the biggest thing in everyone elses. What is it that you need beyond a congratulations? If your wedding isn’t until 2014, perhaps she’s trying to pace herself because she doesn’t want to get sucked in to the wedding vortex. It doesn’t sound like you’ve formally asked her to be a part of your wedding party so right now she hasn’t agreed to be obligated to do anything. Reach out and invite her to do something that isn’t 100% you/your wedding focused and asked how SHE’s doing and what’s going on in her life. You get 1 day, not the next 2 years.
Post # 11
@PrincessBride2014: It sounds like you have outgrown her. As you grow older an go through different milestones in your life this will happen again. I had friends that stopped coming over for movie nights etc when I had kids because they didn’t…things like that. It sounds like she doesn’t want to deliberate hurt your feelings but her life has gone in a completely different direction.
Post # 13
@blingbling: Thanks for your input. I think you misunderstood my message. She hasn’t even congratulated me! I wasn’t asking for anything beyond that. I was upset because she hasn’t acknowledged my engagement at all and she is my best friend so it is disappointing. I have been in touch with her and I know exactly what is going on in her life. I have reached out to her a few times and she never makes time to see me. I’m not being selfish at all or asking for any of her time as it relates to my wedding. I just thought as my best friend she would congratulate me and want to celebrate with me-we look for any excuse to celebrate and get together so this seemed like as good of an excuse as any. I’m not formally asking her yet because I’m not doing any real plnaning beyond booking a venue until next year-the only thing I expect from her as Maid/Matron of Honor is to give a speech at the wedding-my mother is taking care of the rest and she knows that. All I wanted was a congrats, I’m happy for you, but she just keeps giving me the brush off.
Post # 14
This is very unfortuate that your friend is being like this. If she is your best friend… I’m wondering if it has anything to do with the way she found out. Did you call her and tell her, or did she find out through someone else?
If it’s not the way she found out that’s bothering her then I’m sorry that she doesn’t seem to want to congratulate you. Sometime’s it’s as simple as they way they found out and sometimes it’s not.
Post # 15
@PrincessBride2014: Im sorry. I know the feeling! There is something about getting married that exposes the true nature of friendships. I have heard of people being “jealous” of BFF’s engagements, but it sounded so crazy that I never imagined that was something that really happened. People really do become jealous. It happened to me too.
Sometimes you can be so accommodating to keep a friend that the friendship is very one-way or too far leveraged in one friend’s direction to the other friend’s disadvantage (i.e. “toxic”). Getting married puts you in a position where you need your friends at the very least to celebrate with! True, unselfish friends will share your joy! It sounds like once the focus was no longer about her, she wants nothing to do with it. I think this is just part of life. Plus, your future husband needs to be the main person in your life and YOU need to be the main person in HIS too. Its a natural process.