(Closed) BFF not speaking

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
Member
397 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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lyssag222 :  There is nothing you can say to her that will force her to speak to you. If you insist on making her speak to you on your timeline, without any regard to her wants and needs, then the friendship is already over.

Her silence is already telling you to “fuck off” as you put it. Continuing to wheedle and harangue her when she is clearly not ready to talk is going to get you blocked in her phone, not a sincere attempt at rekindling the friendship.

Pull on your big girl panties and accept the fact that we can’t MAKE people treat us in a certain way. Proceed as though without her. If she comes back and is ready to discuss this with maturity, great. If not, oh well.

But if you’re looking for the magical combination of words that will force her into conversation with you, none exists.

Post # 33
Member
397 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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lyssag222 :  If she’s still actively avoiding you and you show up at her house out of the blue to talk about it, be prepared for her to shut the door in your face.

No one is “implying” anything, we are simply working with the things you have told us with your words. “If I cut her out of my wedding I have to reprint the programs and redesign certain things. I have to figure out someone else to do my makeup. I have to figure out another calligrapher for my signs, etc. we are both very much involved in each other’s weddings. On top of not wanting to lose my friend I also don’t want to have to back track this far with all my wedding stuff.”

Your options are:

Save the friendship by giving her the space she needs to get her head on straight

or

Force the issue, push her boundaries, bother her at home, and quite possibly end up having to do your own calligraphy anyway.

But it sounds like this friendship is already DOA. I’m sorry for your mutual losses and I’m sorry you ended up in this difficult emotional place, but you can either prioritize your friend’s process in getting past the fight or you can prioritize your needs. No magic words involved. (Also, FYI, when someone asks your age and you say “It doesn’t matter!”, that usually reads as really really young.)

Post # 34
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

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lyssag222 :  if as you point out, we don’t know you… How on earth are we supposed to tell you what words or actions  to use to get her to talk to you. If the relationship with her is so strong – surely you would know that? Im confused to why you asked for input at all.

Post # 35
Member
30392 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

No one here can tell you what to say to get her to talk with you. We don’t know you or you BFF. You do.

Initial impressions? Give her some time- some real time. You say she hasn’t spoken to you for a week, but you have tried to contact her 3 times in the week. That’s not giving her the space she may need.

Be prepared that she make not react well at all if you confront her in person. It may work in your favor. She may invite you in and you can clear the air. On the other hand, she may slam the door in your face.

I suggest you apologize profusely for your part of the disagreement. Tell her you really miss her and want to do anything you can to repair the rift. Then, back off and give her space.

In the meantime, carry on with planning your own wedding. Though it is nice to share these things with your BFF, it is not absolutely necessary. You can pick up your own dress, pick up your Bridesmaid or Best Man dress for her wedding etc etc. Time will tell what she will do.

Post # 36
Member
13624 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I would stop making this about the wedding. By putting artificial pressure on your friend it’s only making things worse.

The Maid/Matron of Honor had no right to tell you how much to spend on a shower. A shower is supposed to be a low key and modest event. Offering your home as a venue as well as a financial contribution was more than generous. If it wasn’t good enough for her or your friend, the bride, then that tells you all you need to know about both of them. What I would have  done in your place is very politely offered to step down as both host and Bridesmaid or Best Man if what I was offering was not deemed sufficient. 

Assuming you do want to pursue this friendship, immediately stop saying or doing anything to imply that you need to resolve things because of the weddings. For now, assume you will need to find someone else to do makeup and calligraphy etc. Those things were never her obligation, and even if she offered again, I wouldn’t accept at this point. 

You have plenty of time to redo programs and the world would not even come to a crashing end if her name were still in them or even if there were no programs at all. I know it’s become a popular thing to do, but a wedding isn’t a performance and they are not necessary. 

 

Apologize for your part in the argument, especially if you crossed any lines. Write a letter, make a phone call or send flowers. Do not ever apologize for offering to host a shower within your means. If she is still hung up on that, or insists that you aren’t pulling your weight, I would ask myself if the friendship is worth salvaging at all. 

Forget about the dresses and stop micromanaging this aspect.  If she picks up her dress, she picks it up. Likewise, don’t pick up your dress or pay for it until you’ve heard from her, if you do. 

As for the friendship itself,  you have both recently suffered a traumatic loss of a mutual friend. . What brought you together may have colored your ability to get to know the kind of person she really is. Emotions may still be raw and add to that both of your weddings and all the various expectations people bring to them, some inappropriate. 

What you really have to ask yourself is whether or not this friendship ever really was one.

Post # 37
Member
8407 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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lyssag222 :  Have you ever heard that saying, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”? Maybe through the wedding planning and that arguement you’ve showed her who you are, and she believes it. It’s possible that the past 8 months were a “BFF honeymoon period” where you bonded quickly and closely over a shared tragedy, but now that there’s a bit of distance from that, it’s possible that you just don’t have that much in common or aren’t compatible as long-term friends. And that does not have to be a bi-lateral decision. If she breaks up with you, you’re broken up. It sounds like she’s broken up with you. Maybe she’ll try to get you back at some point, and it will be your decision whether to give it another go or not, but for now it sounds like she’s broken up with this friendship.

Post # 38
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

One thing I think you’re missing from this is that you aren’t the only one to determine if a friendship between the two of you still exists.  Now I do think she overreacted and is being a bit irraitonal about this entire thing, but unfortunately if she decides she no longer wants to be your friend, that is her decision to make.  It sucks, it doesn’t make sense, but that is her decision to make, just like it is your decision to maintain your own friendships.

I feel you, totally.  I had a friend in college, J, who I was super, super close with.  We were friends for probably a year or so and she suddenly stopped talking to me because I had made a comment to a friend that was misinterpreted by J.  Literally she went from being my BFF to not saying a word to me within 3 days.  It stung.  I was hurt by it.  This was a girl who I thought we were going to be the best of friends all through college and suddenly she dropped me like our friendship meant nothing.  Plus I had introduced her to my friends and she roomed with 3 of them, so I couldn’t hang out with them unless she wasn’t there (she always made it super awkward if I was there…not the most mature thing on her part, but we all decided it was better for us to do things separately).  So yeah, I get being blindsided, but looking back, it wasn’t a friendship that would have lasted like I thought it would when I was 19.

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