I would stop making this about the wedding. By putting artificial pressure on your friend it’s only making things worse.
The Maid/Matron of Honor had no right to tell you how much to spend on a shower. A shower is supposed to be a low key and modest event. Offering your home as a venue as well as a financial contribution was more than generous. If it wasn’t good enough for her or your friend, the bride, then that tells you all you need to know about both of them. What I would have done in your place is very politely offered to step down as both host and Bridesmaid or Best Man if what I was offering was not deemed sufficient.
Assuming you do want to pursue this friendship, immediately stop saying or doing anything to imply that you need to resolve things because of the weddings. For now, assume you will need to find someone else to do makeup and calligraphy etc. Those things were never her obligation, and even if she offered again, I wouldn’t accept at this point.
You have plenty of time to redo programs and the world would not even come to a crashing end if her name were still in them or even if there were no programs at all. I know it’s become a popular thing to do, but a wedding isn’t a performance and they are not necessary.
Apologize for your part in the argument, especially if you crossed any lines. Write a letter, make a phone call or send flowers. Do not ever apologize for offering to host a shower within your means. If she is still hung up on that, or insists that you aren’t pulling your weight, I would ask myself if the friendship is worth salvaging at all.
Forget about the dresses and stop micromanaging this aspect. If she picks up her dress, she picks it up. Likewise, don’t pick up your dress or pay for it until you’ve heard from her, if you do.
As for the friendship itself, you have both recently suffered a traumatic loss of a mutual friend. . What brought you together may have colored your ability to get to know the kind of person she really is. Emotions may still be raw and add to that both of your weddings and all the various expectations people bring to them, some inappropriate.
What you really have to ask yourself is whether or not this friendship ever really was one.