Post # 1
So here’s a little backdround. BFF and i have been friends around 8 years. Ive always been better off when it comes to relationships etc. I’m married and she is still single. So today we re out to lunch and shes asking me about the situation with Darling Husband and school. He is almost finished getting his bachelors in computer science. However, his school is a bit shady. They told him it would be another 10k and it ended up being 20k. Darling Husband has exhausted all loans and cant complete his courses as of yet. So BFF asks how much debt hes in etc. She goes on to say what a liability he is, how he lied to me before we got married (he didnt lie mind you. hes absolutely retarded when it comes to anything financial and thought his balance was the statements he was getting via email) and how ill be footing all the bills forever which i currently am NOT doing. the best part was her saying how she cant see any future with us considering his financial status.
I realize his situation is not ideal, but he was only trying to better himself to get a job he enjoyed and would make more money. Her comments hurt my feelings and make me second guess my marriage. She might be trying to look out for me or she might just be jealous, but I feel as though her saying these things is unneccesary and to put it bluntly, she should mind her own business.
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Pixie26: Don’t discuss financial info with people who have no business knowing, i.e. your friend. Next time change the subject or tell her it’s none of her business.
Post # 4
There’s an old saying about never discussing politics or money. I don’t agree with the former but I strongly believe that you shouldn’t be sharing such personal financial information with anyone who has no need to know it. So I’d keep schtum about your DH’s debts with this particular friend. She doesn’t appear to be offering any constructive advice.
ETA: I don’t want to come across as snarky but is “retarded” an expression that is acceptable outside the UK? I ask this because it isn’t a word that is considered appropriate here if used to describe incompetence or stupidity.
Post # 5
Post # 6
@Steampunkbride: It depends on how politically correct you’re trying to be. Most people don’t care, at least not in my area. Retard just means slow. In fact, most dictionaries have added incompetant to its definition due to the common usage.
Post # 7
She may just be looking out for you. Considering how many couples divorce over money, it’s a legitimate thing for a friend to worry about. Frankly, if a friend of mine had married someone who didn’t know how much tuition/student loan they owed, I’d worry too! If her comments touched a nerve, then it might be wise to act on those feelings by getting some financial planning skills for/with your husband.
Post # 8
@Steampunkbride: re using the word ‘retarded’ to describe someone as stupid – I live in the states in NJ – I’m guilty of using this word in middle school and early high school years. When I started volunteering with individuals who have disabilities and are cognitively impaired, I realized how offensive the word really is. (As a School Psychologist, I still work with students who have disabilities.)
I have since ceased using that word and my friends/family have been kind enough not to use it around me as I find it offensive. There are so many other words to use – why not say stupid if that’s what you mean?
Post # 9
@Pixie26: She definitely could have been more tactful in her delivery, that’s for sure. She’s probably just looking out for you, but I’d just not mention it any more from here on out.
Prior to marrying him, I’m sure you considered that you would be merging finances. You are an adult and can make your own decisions. I agree it’s a risk, and being in debt sucks, but if you’re both honest about the situation, there’s no reason it can’t work/should hinder a successful marriage.
I’m coming at this from being the person IN debt. I have 3 years of student loans from graduate school and a small loan from undergrad. Fiance did not go to a traditional college, so he has none. I was upfront with everything, and he doesn’t have a problem with it. I don’t expect him to make payments on my loans, but I recognize that he’s taking a risk and will technically be responsible for my debt.
Post # 10
Her comments shouldn’t have caused you to second guess your marriage. If you know without a doubt that something is a load of crap, then it wouldn’t cross your mind to believe it.
At the same time, I think talking with friends or on the internet about relationships in excess leads to over-analyzing and inventing problems where they are none.
As for your friendship, I wouldn’t be good friends with someone who tore down SO or our relationship.
Post # 11
@HonoraryNerd: This exactly. Most people around here that I know dont really care about using the word “retarded”. i actually hear it used at work fairly often. However, I would never use it to describe a person who actually was mentally handiciapped. I was only using in the terminology that Darling Husband is inept at handling complicated finances.
@sunkissed19: Yes Darling Husband also has a few years of loans to pay back. I have no problem helping him set up a payment plan etc. My friend does not seem to realize we are not all fortunate enough to have our parents pay our tuition in full (her parents paid for hers years ago). Darling Husband grew up in a single parent home where getting even a single gift for his bday or xmas was a big deal.
@MsW-to-MrsM: Agree. Her comments should really have rolled off my back and been ignored. Going forward, I will not be discussing anything regarding my relationship or financial with her. I also agree she should not have been tearing him down. She seems to enjoy finding fault with him…
Post # 12
@Pixie26: I agree with you. Its none of her flipping buisness! I have friends and family (my estranged father) contantly commenting on my FI’s financial situation so I feel for you. None of them have a clue how we manage our money but LOVE to tell us that were doing it wrong. Also my Fiance is from a wealthy family and people assume we have this endless pot of money to dip into whenever we want and they have zero idea how things are set up.
Post # 13
Yes, because the majority of us in this world don’t have to pay for our own school and set up student loans. Sheesh. Fiance and I owe a damn mortgage together in loans. We’re going to be well into our 30s before we can even think about buying a house *sigh*
Tell her to stuff it and it’s none of her damn business, and if she’s so concerned about your money maybe she ought to give you some. T_______T Rude.
Post # 15
@letselopetoeurope53: its very irritating when people just assume things about your finances. just bc his family is wealthy doesnt mean theyre sending you allowance checks monthly “just because”.
@icanhearyousmile: yes exactly! we both will be well into our 30s before considering a house as well. it simply isnt in the budget now. shes very quick to pass judgement without even considering the fact that hes a nice guy, which nowadays i think, for me anyway, far outweighs his bank account status or stunning job. id rather be poor in a loving marriage than rich and miserable! also agree..if shes so concerned with him being a “liability”, she can start making the payments now for him!
Post # 16
@Pixie26: LOL, that’s kind of how you have to look for it. It irritates the poop out of me that the money we’re paying FI’s mom (she lent him the money and he’s paying her back interest free which is excellent cuz he’s a dope and went to private college all 4 years ><
I hate living in our apartment. Hate. BUT I’m also currently finishing my OWN BA (a bit late out of the gate there, lol; traveled first..heh!) and so money is so very tight for us.
Ironically it’s not my friends that give us crap for it, it’s FI’s mom. “Why haven’t you bought a house yet?” Hmm, I don’t know, because you call him and chase him down every month if the bank transfer is late? And because we’re basically paying you a second rent every month that could go to a house? /eyeroll. You just have to take that crap with a grain of salt.