BF's biggest regret is his ex

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

This is fucked on so many levels. He told you he loved his ex more? He gets visibly sad when he sees her posts on facebook? He says not marrying her is his biggest regret!?!? Any one of these would have me seriously reevaluating things, but all of them combined = run for the hills.

As pp said, you need to look at his actions, not just his words. He says his biggest mistake in life was letting his ex go, but when you asked about the possibility of marriage, his instinct was to freak out and pull away. If he really learned from that “mistake” with his ex, you’d think he’d be super eager to assure you of his commitment so he doesn’t risk losing yet another wonderful woman! But instead he did the opposite…he freaked out on you and pulled away. This tells me that either a) he did not actually learn from his mistake with the ex; or b) he just doesn’t care for you the way he cared for her. Or both.

But either way I would not be passing up ANY job opportunities for a guy like this.

Post # 17
1330 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle

Take the job. If he moves heaven and earth to be with you despite the distance, you’ll know. 

Post # 18
2217 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

cantjumptenfeet :   “During our argument, he said something along the line of how he didn’t marry his ex even though he loved her more than he loves me. I was so hurt. He apologized later saying that he didn’t mean what he said. He just meant that he was with her for a longer time and that he would never compare the two of us.”

You mean exactly like he did? Yeah. Like that.

When people claim they said something in anger they didn’t mean, I’m always skeptical. I liken an argument to being drunk. When emotions are running high, we might be more inclined to say and do things our sober, calm selves might not.

What doesn’t happen is for things we don’t believe to come flying out of our mouths. Our inhibitions are lower, so things we don’t want to say most of the time, might slip out. But we don’t suddenly develop entirely new opinions, thoughts, and personalities. 

You are both old enough that talking about the future should not prompt WW3 every time it comes up. We all have trauma from past relationships, but not everyone uses that as an excuse to avoid confronting the very appropriate considerations of a committed relationship. That you are trying to plan for the future, and his response is to weaponize the subject means he is not mature enough to be taken seriously as a potential life partner. 

Frankly, the behaviors you describe tell me he isn’t over it. Whether or not that’s really about the ex in particular, or just the pain of the situation is pretty irrelevant. He’s still carrying around a degree of emotion about it that will prevent him from fully engaging in a new relationship. He needs to address whatever unfinished busisness he has lingering in his head/heart before he’s truly prepared to move on. 

I think you know all of this. It doesn’t really matter what any of us think. If the way he’s behaved leaves you with these kinds of doubts, there’s usually good cause. He may treat you well, make you feel loved, be everything your family could ask for, but if part of his heart belongs to someone in his past, it will never be entirely yours.

You passed up a job opportunity for him, because part of you knew that the relationship probably wouldn’t survive the distance. When you made that choice, you were putting him above all other consdierations in your life. You can keep doing that, if you want him in your life more than you want anything else. But unless he’s willing to do the same for you, these doubts and fears will continue to plague you. Ultimately you just have to decide if part of him is better than none or if you want someone who will give you everything. 

Good luck

Post # 19
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Just what in the flying christ… 

Post # 20
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Sorry to say but everything he’s told you clearly points to him not being over his ex. He misses her, and is still heartbroken about losing her. You’re not crazy, I would be thinking long and hard about this relationship. 

Post # 21
383 posts
Helper bee

OMG…I could never be kosher with being the girl my man just ‘settled for’ because he can’t get the person he really wants…barf…take the gottdamn job offer.

Post # 22
14947 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

The ONLY acceptable answer regarding regret and an ex is “I don’t regret for a moment I couldn’t commit to her even after soon long, caue if I had, I wouldn’t have met you!”  Saying that he loved her MORE?? Are you freaking kidding me?  Are you seriously going to accept being with someone that says he loved his ex more than he loves you??? 

I get wondering about past long term relationships and the nostalgia sometimes. I  was with my ex before my husband for 7 years.  There are days I wonder how different my life would have turned out, but I don’t regret for a second that it didnt work out, and I certainly in all my wondering dont think that things would have been better with him.  I wouldn’t trade this path my life took and my husband for anything.

Gosh, I hope this is really just a t-r-o-double l and someone isnt actually standing this.

Post # 23
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Yuck. I’d for sure be done with this relationship. He’s obviously not over his ex and there’s no way I’d be okay being someone’s consolation prize. 

Post # 24
4830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

cantjumptenfeet :  His cruelty is appalling.  Please move on to someone who loves you best.  You deserve no less.

Post # 25
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

cantjumptenfeet :  You know what to do… you know you should be taking this job offer. He has told you one more than one time that he wants his ex. You are only a filler. Time to part ways. If she came back and you two were married, he would drop you like a sack of potatoes. He even said he loved her more than you. How can you be with someone after knowing that? You will always be second in his eyes. Move on and be done with this.

Post # 26
6445 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

He flat-out TOLD you he loved her more than he loves you, and you are desperately seeking excuses as to why he might not have meant what he said. BELIEVE HIM. 

Don’t throw away a great job opportunity (and more years of your life) waiting for this loser.

Post # 27
6663 posts
Bee Keeper

He doesn’t have much to offer you–he’s still in a relationship with her, even if it is one-sided. 

Take the job, or put yourself in a position to consider new offers. Change your life so you are open to finding someone who loves you best and puts you first. Don’t settle for someone who is still in love with an ex. Life’s too short for that shit. 

FWIW: My ex hates, hates, hates my Fiance. The first time Fiance and I went on vacation together, about five months into dating, my ex went on a full-blown nasty texting tirade–constant text attack about my now Fiance. It resulted in a conversation much earlier in our relationship than I ordinarly would have had, basically a ‘where do you see this headed’ talk. Because, damn, I wasn’t prepared to endure the abuse for a Boyfriend or Best Friend that I’d never even introduce to my kids. My guy’s response: “Marriage. I’d propose today but I know you’d say no.” And I would have, because it was too soon. Find someone who loves you and only you. 

Post # 28
477 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry this must be difficult to deal with. It does seem like he isn’t over his ex. He likes you and likes hanging out with you but he’s giving all the signs that he isn’t over her. 

Post # 29
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Please don’t pass up a great job opportunity for a guy who still pines for his ex over you. You will regret if you refuse the offer, I guarantee it.

Post # 30
6383 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

If he had married her, he wouldn’t have met you, yet his greatest regret is not marrying her.   He told you the truth when he said he loved her more.  Believe that and take the job offer.

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