- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
cantjumptenfeet : “During our argument, he said something along the line of how he didn’t marry his ex even though he loved her more than he loves me. I was so hurt. He apologized later saying that he didn’t mean what he said. He just meant that he was with her for a longer time and that he would never compare the two of us.”
You mean exactly like he did? Yeah. Like that.
When people claim they said something in anger they didn’t mean, I’m always skeptical. I liken an argument to being drunk. When emotions are running high, we might be more inclined to say and do things our sober, calm selves might not.
What doesn’t happen is for things we don’t believe to come flying out of our mouths. Our inhibitions are lower, so things we don’t want to say most of the time, might slip out. But we don’t suddenly develop entirely new opinions, thoughts, and personalities.
You are both old enough that talking about the future should not prompt WW3 every time it comes up. We all have trauma from past relationships, but not everyone uses that as an excuse to avoid confronting the very appropriate considerations of a committed relationship. That you are trying to plan for the future, and his response is to weaponize the subject means he is not mature enough to be taken seriously as a potential life partner.
Frankly, the behaviors you describe tell me he isn’t over it. Whether or not that’s really about the ex in particular, or just the pain of the situation is pretty irrelevant. He’s still carrying around a degree of emotion about it that will prevent him from fully engaging in a new relationship. He needs to address whatever unfinished busisness he has lingering in his head/heart before he’s truly prepared to move on.
I think you know all of this. It doesn’t really matter what any of us think. If the way he’s behaved leaves you with these kinds of doubts, there’s usually good cause. He may treat you well, make you feel loved, be everything your family could ask for, but if part of his heart belongs to someone in his past, it will never be entirely yours.
You passed up a job opportunity for him, because part of you knew that the relationship probably wouldn’t survive the distance. When you made that choice, you were putting him above all other consdierations in your life. You can keep doing that, if you want him in your life more than you want anything else. But unless he’s willing to do the same for you, these doubts and fears will continue to plague you. Ultimately you just have to decide if part of him is better than none or if you want someone who will give you everything.