Bf's sister's wedding and my sister's wedding may be the same date?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

She isn’t being unreasonable at all. I don’t know what your relationship is like with your sister, but the only thing that would prevent me from going to my sisters wedding is death/extreme illness. Her event would most def. trump my bf’s sibling.

Post # 17
Member
2258 posts
Buzzing bee

llevinso : It’s great that you handled your wedding that way. That’s what you wanted to do.

There is, however, something very strange about seeing a response that is essentially, “No pressure. Do what’s best for you,” as cold and careless. Many would call this response understanding, considerate, or kind, especially when extended to one’s own sister, whether they had a good relationship or not. 

Well, that’s what you think. I’ll leave you to it. 

Post # 18
Member
6795 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Rhopalocera :  Well I’m not one of those people. 

Post # 19
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

llevinso :  I agree with you. If my brother had his girlfriend of 6 years’ sister’s wedding already planned for a day, I would change my wedding date 100% with no thought needed. I could not imagine him not doing the same for me, and if he was planning a wedding and planned it for a day he knew I had other plans it would be relationship-ending. I can’t even really imagine that though, because he would never ever be so cold to me.

If OPs sister goes through with booking this date then she’s making a real dick move and I can’t imagine how OP could continue a healthy relationship with her. I’m seriously floored that people on here think this isn’t a terrible awful thing for the sister to do.

Post # 20
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I agree with many PPs. I’m sorry your sister is putting you in this situation.  Can’t imagine not doing anything possible to make sure both my brother and sister were at my wedding. If for some reason they had plans when I first brought it up to them, I’d change the date immediately, no questions asked.

However, since that obviously wasn’t your sister’s response, if it does happen that way, I second that you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend should each attend your own sisters’ weddings.

Post # 21
Member
1422 posts
Bumble bee

I just don’t understand why it is so awful to put one’s own needs and desires before those of a sibling for your own wedding day. As OP mentioned, that day means something to them. it is the anniversary of their engagement. They’re not picking a random date and sticking to it. It’s something that matters to them.

If OP can’t make it, so be it. But the wedding isn’t about OP. It’s about her sister her fiance. And if it is more important for her sister that the day be on one that is special to her and her husband than having family there, then that’s fine.

Post # 22
Member
6795 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

bumblebug :  I’m not saying the sister should necessarily change her wedding date (though she has less than a year to plan and I’d imagine Labor Day weekend is going to be tough to book). All I’m saying is her reaction to her sister not being available on that date is disheartening and I couldn’t imagine being so callous about something like that with my sibling.

It’s one thing to tell your sister that this date is special to you and you’d really like her to be there but you know this isn’t necessarily doable…and it’s another to hear your sister already has a prior commitment on that date and just say “oh well!”

Post # 23
Member
1422 posts
Bumble bee

llevinso :  From the OP it sounds to me like the sister has had more than one person tell her, before she’s even set a date, that they’ll be busy Labor day weekend. She might just be getting annoyed that everyone keeps butting in this early in the planning process. I know that if I’ve heard the same thing from several people, particularly about something that isn’t really their place to say, I tend to get a little short. That may be where the reaction is coming from.

Post # 24
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: Melbourne, Australia

bumblebug :  I was thinking the same thing. Also it’s a bummer when your plans start falling apart just as you begin to dream them up!

We actually did choose to shift our wedding date to keep certain family members happy…fair or not, I will admit I resented them at first for making me prioritise their (in my eyes) way less important event over celebrating our MARRIAGE! In the newly-engaged stage I just wanted to hear “YAY!” not feel like our wedding was an inconvenience to our loved ones.

Post # 25
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

llevinso :  I completely agree with you. “Well, whoever can make it can make it” – to your own sister?? That is cold. Here are the factors I took into consideration when I got engaged and needed to set my wedding date:

1) My & DH’s schedule/availability

2) Our immediate family’s availability

3) The availabiliity of our bridal party

I emailed every one of my VIP’s once we’d zeroed in on a likely date to make sure it would work for them. I wanted them there and, within reason, would not have set a date that I already knew one of them had a major conflict for, like a wedding for their SO’s family member. Now that being said, if someone had something come up after the fact and couldn’t make it to my wedding I would have understood, but to set your date from the get-go knowing that your own sister has already committed to another family wedding on that date…just what? Who does that? 

Post # 26
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper

llevinso :  We actually based our wedding date around when close family members could attend, but in OP’s situation my advice to just each go to their own sister’s wedding stands. 

In our situation, ideally I would have liked an October wedding- we got engaged during the Thanksgiving (Canadian)-Halloween season & it’s my fave time of year. But we had long distance loved ones who were already travelling here to visit during the summer- & could not be expected to come back in October (financially & time off work etc). So we set a date when our family members would already be here. 

But the key difference here is that they wouldn’t have been able to attend if we held it in October. In OP’s situation, she can attend if she chooses to. IMO there’s a world of difference between ‘my family member can’t travel to our province/country on this date’ and ‘my sister would like to be able to attend another wedding on that date’. I guess I sound cold to some, but I wouldn’t have changed my wedding date for a sister who was simply invited to another wedding on the same day. 

Post # 27
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

bumblebug :  Personally, I think it’s cold to prioritize the “meaning” of a date over your own sister’s availability to be at your wedding. But if some date with “meaning” really is more important to the sister than her loved one’s availability to be there, then IMO OP knows where she stands and shouldn’t feel like she has to move mountains to attend. At least that’d be how I’d look at it.

Post # 28
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee

I guess I don’t understand anyone’s fixation to specific dates and meaning, other than the anniversary of a death of a loved one. I see posts on here where people are upset they can’t spend time with someone on the specific birthday or specific anniversary date or whatever, but my SO and I routinely celebrate our birthdays and anniversaries late because we are busy with other priorities. Having to celebrate something on the specific date is an artificial requirement. 

When we picked our date we ran it past VIPs first as well because it’s more important to us that they be there than any particular date. I guess what seems cold to some people is that OP’s sister values a date she has decided to imbue with meaning over having her sister there. 

OP probably has to go to sisters wedding anyway, though, unless there’s other beef. 

Post # 29
Member
1424 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Regardless of whether your sister is being insensitive, I think you & your Boyfriend or Best Friend should each go to each other’s sister’s weddings alone. I couldn’t imagine missing the wedding of a sibling.

Post # 30
Member
6795 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  I agree that the outcome should be the OP goes to her sister’s wedding alone. But that doesn’t make the situation or her sister’s response suck any less. 

bumblebug :  I do get your point, but I think I just view this completely differently. For me, our wedding was about the joining together of 2 families so having it work for our VIPs was a #1 priority. As I said before, we had one potential date nixed because the Best Man was unavailable. My “dream” wedding season was also not possible for other reasons. I don’t understand putting such importance on dates in the calendar over actual people you love and care about.

But maybe OP and her sister aren’t close at all. That’s the only way I could possibly understand this reaction.

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