(Closed) bi issues..i guess…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

There is definitely a lot going on here – and it seems really complicated.  To me, what sounds like the hardest thing is that you both seem comfortable pushing boundaries or exploring different things together, but it may be hard to define where your comfort level ends. 

I think maybe you should take this as a good learning experience, and be able to talk comfortably with your Fiance about where fantasy should end and begin, and what should be left between you two, and what can go beyond into the real world. 

Post # 4
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

you are not over reacting. However- i have to say you asked for it lady!

You were only on the same page because the boundaries hadnt been pushed! MOST guys are going to push the boundaries if his chick is into talking about threesomes, getting wasted and dancing sexually with other girls,  etc etc. You may have been comfortable with where it was at, but he obviously wanted to see how far you would go.  Hes a typical selfish guy.. wanted to see how far he could get with another girl and its pretty ridic that he didnt find it wrong, since he did it right in front of you..

ur saying u would be okay with it if u had been drunk? then maybe u shouldnt drink so much. u guys are engaged- its not ok to be making sexual decisions based on alcohol anymore. thats a very childish excuse for your actions. Sorry 🙁 thats how i feel

Post # 5
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t think you are over-reacting.  I think it is totally normal to be OK with fantasizing and/or a little drunken touchy-feely, but then when push comes to shove…..

it sounds like you are being honest with your Fiance (which is the advice I would give you).  IMHO, I think you guys should take a break from hanging out with Girlfriend for a bit.  The fantasizing is moving too quickly towards a possible reality (at least for your FI), which you are not cool with (and again, that is totally OK!!).  Keep it back in the fantasy world, and you should get back on an even keel.

*E-Hugs!*

Post # 6
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@overthinker:  It seems to me like you want to have control of how you both operate in regards to the threesome situation.

You are OK with teasing him and sending him the photos, but not OK when you find that he’s gone beyond that and touched the girl or saved photos of her.

And I think that’s totally normal and expected.  It is a complex situation, and you’re not ‘wrong’ for thinking that it’s fun to fantasize, but another thing to make it reality.  Even if you are willing to make it a reality you should both be making the decision about who, when, and what.  I would be angry and disappointed if my guy was doing these things, ‘behind my back’.

Anyway, I think you are definitely allowed to tell him that you are uncomfortable with how forward he’s being, and that you don’t want him to do these things, unless you agree that he can do them.  

It’s a partnership, and decisions, especially when it comes to your sex life, should be made together.

Post # 7
Member
2703 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

there is definitely a lot going on here, but i think mainly it is around your boundaries. i think you need to take some time out and really figure out where your limits are, discuss with your Fiance, and try to stop talking/acting about things that “fuzzy” that line. i think that it is only fair for yourself and your Fiance.

it sounds like you guys a great, open communicative relationship and i think the best way for your feelings not to be hurt in the future and your Fiance not to be confused on what your limitations are, is for you to really dig deep and decide what u are “ok” and not “ok” with… i think your suggestive flirtation is ok for you, but it might suggest other thoughts in your Fiance. maybe you can role play with non-real people and the both of you can enjoy your open, sexual relationship.

Post # 8
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

So you don’t care if he looks at your friend?? I’m so confused, what do you want to do?

I have no other advice for you other than to let him know to stop touching your friend and stop talking about this girl period.

EDIT: I’m not judging you in anyway. I just think Girlfriend, who sounds like a close friend of yours should not be involved in the intimacies of the relationship. Obviously its having a negative affect of you and your SO’s relationship.

Post # 9
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

i hadnt even read the rest until now but i have to say u are definitely being a hypocrit. you cant say you have an open relationship and then get mad about it when ur fiance acts on it. you really need to think about what you want from this relationship and stop using things in the bedroom that you really dont agree with. you migh tneed to go to counceling to figure out what you truly want. your fantasy is mixing with your reality and you need to set some new boundaries. I would be disgusted if my fiance was jerking off (sorry, but thats what he was doing. and dont kid urself in thinking that he had YOU in his mind the whole time. he was jerking off to her pics) to photos of a FRIEND of mine. thast really insulting. But the fact is- you were TRYING to turn him on with them TWO SECONDS BEFORE!!!! This is like a sign you you- you are not okay with this! So stop using this stuff to seduce him if you arent ok with it!!

Post # 10
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Oh dear.

I don’t think you need to worry about being a hypocrite.

But I do think these situations get confusing VERY easily because the boundaries are not completely clear. For example, it’s okay for him to dance with her, but not touch her: that’s something you know you feel, but was that made clear to him? That’s not for any of us to judge; it just means you and he have to have VERY cleary communication about what is okay and what’s not.

In situation like this (threesomes or open-ish relationships), things can get out of hand very quickly, especially when alcohol is involved. People lose control a bit and their sense of boundaries is completely lost, often even if you’ve discussed it before.

I don’t think this is a dealbreaker at all, but I do think you need to sit down and seriously figure out what you’re okay with, and what you’re not.. there’s no other way for him to know.

Post # 11
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Hey – I can understand where you are coming from. Darling Husband and I had a 3some about 2.5 years ago but it was with someone I knew that we werent really friends with but only had hung out with a couple of times. We talked about it A LOT beforehand and always fantasized and I would do that same type of thing like pointing out another woman or talking about someone to spice up our sex life.

However I would never have done this with a friend or close friend. The reason I was ok with actually having the 3some is because I knew that there was no attraction to this other girl outside of the 3some that we had.

I think the problem in your situation is not the fact that its another girl, but the fact that it is your friend AND the fact that you felt like he went behind your back about this. If he and you are going to be comfortable with this topic you have to be TOTALLY open and honest which means no hiding stuff like that or “touching” without your actual permission.

Please PM me if you have any questions or if you just want to talk about it – you might get a lot of judgment about this topic so if youd rather just talk to someone with no judgment who actually knows what you are going through, Im more than willing to talk!

Post # 12
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree that the issue is more communication of boundaries than anything else.  Not only with you and your fiance, but you and yourself. 

Argh – I have so much to say on this issue and lots of work to do (omg entangled, get off wb already!).  Let me just say I can 100% relate and am totally not judging you – I have been in multiple situations that have progressed far further than this and would be happy to discuss any of it with you via PM when I have a little more time later today.

Post # 14
Member
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

no judging here, i agree with what MissBoston said. the boundary between sexy dancing and feeling up Girlfriend was crossed. maybe he didn’t know it was there, maybe he was too drunk, but my common sense says that you need to figure out what you can live with and make sure you communicate that. if you don’t want him feeling her up, then don’t tease him about her and send him sexy pictures of her. of course he’s going to get turned on, you’re using her as a tool to! i think when it comes to Girlfriend, make sure he knows what the limits are and use a different person like a celebrity or something as your fantasy 3some partner to tease him with lol.

Post # 15
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

 
I personally am a little confused..  why would u try to turn him on with pics of Girlfriend if you are upset at the thought of him looking at the pics of her. IMO its not wise for u to tease him and have fantasies that include an actual friend of yours who is within his reach, because you are actually turning this friend into some type of sex fantasy for your guy and i can only see it ending in disaster. After you got upset about him putting his hand up her skirt, its odd that you would then want to show him more sexy pictures of her and use her as a turn on for your man.
Why dont you use either a celebrity thats out of reach or a made up character for ur pretend threesomes.

Post # 16
Member
3068 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

  

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