- 8 years ago
- Wedding: January 2015
i’m writing this post under a different name because i’m a little embarassed by this post but i just need to vent and its something i feel like i have no one to talk to about cuz i feel no one close to me really would understand…and I must forewarn you that this may get a little Too Much Information…
so my Fiance and I are pretty much, i feel, compatible in every way possible…including our sexual sides….from the beginning we pretty much were open about experiences and dislikes, and likes….on the topic of threesomes however, I made it clear to him that though I feel a side of me wouldn’t mind having that experience with him, the majority of me would feel some type of way afterwards…i mean, its one thing to have fantasies, and a completely other thing to fulfill them and actually make them a reality, esp when its with someone you are in a committed relationship with….he and I agree that above all else, we put each other first and if that means one isn’t comfortable with something, of course we would not do it….again, we’ve been honest and open with each about the issue….
now, i’d also like to point out that even though i myself am not comfortable with actually having a threesome (me, Fiance, and another girl) it does not mean i don’t bring it up to turn him on and vice versa, cuz yes, it is one of my fantasies as well. i admit that i am what they call bi-social and/or bi-curious….yes, i am one of those girls seen at the club dancing provocatively with another girl….i’m not looking for any comments or advise on that issue because i’ve come to realize that part of me and Fiance knows about it and again, we are open and honest about all of this….so that isn’t the issue….so back to what i was saying, i do bring it up to Fiance to tease and/or turn him on….but because of this, i feel like a hypocrit and this is where i turn to the point of this post….
the past couple of weeks, on every thursday night, Fiance and I go out to a local bar/club with various friends for a night out of drinking, socializing, and dancing….we end up getting pretty messed up, there’s always a Dirty Delete but anyways, I have a girlfriend of mine, we’ll call her Girlfriend, who has been pretty much going each time with us….now i would say Girlfriend is bi-social as well….so needless to say, on most of these occasions, we are both out on the dance floor, dancing provocatively with each other and the like….. now, Fiance and I are both okay with this….we are on the same page when it gets to this point…..the last time we went, not this thursday but the one before that, we were all dancing and Fiance was dancing with a few of my girls including Girlfriend, nothing super crazy like crossing boundaries, but just having a good time…and my point in bringing that up is that the next day, i was okay with that and Fiance and I had a discussion in which i admitted that I had thought i would be jealous or upset actually seeing him dance with another girl but that it didnt bother me too much, that i felt secure enough and trusted him enough to know that we can all go out and dance and be okay and not think twice about something going wrong or whatnot…..of course i know you cant control others actions but my point is that Fiance and I were on the same page…..
so fast forward to this week that just past, we went out as usual again. well this time, i had to get up super early the next day, so i decided to be Dirty Delete and not drink as much as I usually do….so needless to say, i was very much more aware of everything going on around me….well at one point during the night, Fiance was dancing behind me, Girlfriend was behind him, and FI’s best friend was behind her….so we were all dancing like this and Fiance starts feeling me up with one hand and later on i realize his other hand was feeling behind him on Girlfriend….well, i go to turn around cuz it bothered me a little so then he was still behind me but i was facing her and FI’s best friend was still behind her….we continue dancing, all three of them are pretty drunk by this point and i’m just a little tipsy and Girlfriend was being touchy feely with me and Fiance was feeling me up as well and then i just happen to look down to see his other hand feeling up under her skirt as well…..i grabbed his hand and pushed him bak and faced him and was like ‘are you effing serious?!?!” and stormed off to the restroom…. i was furious….and i realize, hive, that most of yous are reading this, and a lot of things that i’m mentioning are things that you all don’t agree with or tolerate at all….but what gets me is that up until this point, Fiance and I have been on the same page about this whole issue and topic and now that when some form of it really happens, i get upset about it! i mean, i realize that is the normal reaction to this form of behavior but my point is that i guess i didn’t expect it and i know for a fact that had i been just as drunk it wouldnt have phased me one bit….which again i realize is something you all don’t agree with, but i just know myself and know that i would have definitely reacted different had i been just as drunk as them….
so after that night, Fiance have had numerous discussions on the issue and i feel that we understand each other but i’m still having this internal struggle with myself….even after having been furious by FI’s actions, all weekend i’ve been using the incident as fuel to tease him and joke around with him and even one night to seduce him…..and this is where i feel like a hypocrit…and even though i feel that Fiance and I are on the same page, i also feel like i cant completely blame him because of the way i’m being so hot and cold about the subject…..
well as if the whole issue isn’t complicated enough, yesterday i’m on my facebook account and i’m yet again teasing him and we are both joking back and forth…..and i’m like well, i got something to get you going…i show him pics of Girlfriend that she has on her facebook account that are sexy poses and the like (which i know is something else some of you might want to comment on but thats not my issue, she’s her own person and if she wants to post them on fb thats on her)… and so we’re teasing each other some more….so then i go to show him something else thats in my pictures folder on my computer and when i open it up, there’s two new folders there….so i open the one to see what it is and its the same pictures of Girlfriend that i had just showed him…..apparently he had seen them already and then saved them onto my computer…. this wasn’t just like finding saved porn or something cuz that has happened before and i’m totally okay with….but pictures of someone close to me?? i mean, come on? really? supposedly he saved pictures of me too….like that is supposed to make me feel better about him saving sexy pictures of someone i actually know.
this time i wasn’t furious, i felt hurt and cried and part of me wanted to run to him to be comfortted by his embrace but the other part didnt want to even look at him…….and i feel yet again like a hypocrit….not even five minutes ago we were both joking and teasing each other and her name popped in a few times and for me, i was fine….and then i find evidence on my computer of him having saved pictures that obviously he looked at when i was not around….and please understand that i know him, and know that it wasnt just him fantasizing about being with her only by herself but with me there as well so i’m secure with the fact that he loves only me and wants only me….this is purely about sex and threesomes and the fact that he’s fantasizing about one of my close friends as the other girl….i dunno, it messes with the emotional connection and friendship that i have with her and instead of the whole issue being purely about the experience it makes it emotional and it makes it hit close to home so to speak……and i guess that is what made me hurt so much by finding it….
i dont know..am i totally over-reacting with all this?? i’m not even sure if any of you can relate or not because i feel that the majority of everyone around me won’t even agree to this type of open relationship that Fiance and I share…. but i dont have anyone close to me to talk to about this cuz again, i feel no one will understand….so i had to find an outlet to vent…
any opinions or input is greatly appreciated and thank you all for listening.
EDITTED TO ADD: i just re-read this and realize that there will be a lot of things that could spring a reaction or reply from some of yous….but what i’m really looking for is advise on “me” overall on the whole issue….if i’m over-reacting or not…thanks.