- 2 months ago
Lately (past week) SO and I have been bickering a bit more than usual and I would like some perspective from you. We have my parents here for a month, so that certainly adds tension. The issue for me is that sometimes he has a tone of voice that I consider harsh, and he refuses to see it until I explain to him exactly how and why he was rude.
Example: we’re all happy and loving, then out of nowhere he says something in a harsh tone (for me), to which I reply in an even worse tone. He doesn’t realise he has been rude so doesn’t really understand why I get upset. If I try to stay calm and just say “You just had a very rude tone there, what’s the problem?” he will say “My tone was perfectly normal”. It’s like sometimes he doesn’t even realise it – he doesn’t do it with me only, I’ve seen him doing it with his family as well.
I can 100% say that when he does it there is something that bothered him, but it might be so small that he doesn’t even manage to focus on it. He just replies in a harsh tone and then forgets about it and goes back to normal. It’s like the harsh tone (that really lasts for 1 second) is his outlet to sweat off the very small thing that bothered him, and then he goes back to normal. Mind you, this is the same thing I see his father doing to his mom, although his mom is perfectly able to apply some sort of filter to it and just let it go. My problem is that I just can’t – if he has a harsh tone for any reason, my answer will be 2X harsh.
What’s the solution here? He says he will be more mindful – but I also feel I should be a bit more easygoing. My therapist told me I “feel” things too much and sometimes I am right but sometimes it’s clear I disinterpret tones and intentions completely and just hold a grudge for nothing.
It’s sometimes I really want to solve, so please understand I am looking for help here.