Big age difference between your kids

posted 10 months ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I can’t say my experience with children but my brother is 6 years older than me and we always had a good relationship growing up!

Post # 3
Member
41 posts
Newbee

I don’t quite understand why couples are worried about big age differences between kids. I have two siblings and we have an age difference of over ten years between me and them. Never bothered us. Sure, it’s not the same as siblings with barely any age difference and I did feel lonely at times, but in the grand scheme of things? Doesn’t matter – I love them and they love me. I also remember them duckling after me, when they were very young and they found it great to have a big sister to look up to. Still do, because they come to me when they have problems or want to go do something together. I’m not saying, there aren’t challenges, especially when there are privileges the older one is allowed to have but not the younger ones and interests may be quite different between kids being different life stages which can and do cause conflicts, but that is rather normal.

 

Point being: If you want a second kid, don’t worry about what your first kid thinks about that. They can and do adapt to the presence and what kind of relationship they develop is up to the kids and not you. 

Post # 4
Member
9101 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

My brothers are 10 years older than me or more.

We are not close.

Post # 5
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee

my brother is 7 years younger than me. i think it worked out perfect because we never fought over toys, i babysat him, and when he turned 18 bought him his first drink. 

Post # 6
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee

My siblings are 16 and 12 years older than me. I’m closer in age to their kids. We are close and spend time together all the time. Sure, it’s different than with a sibling close in age but age doesn’t guarantee playingtime or them being close. Age gaps don’t mean resentment. 

Post # 8
Member
733 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

There’s a 2 year gap between me and my older  brother and 8 years between me and my younger  brother and I have more in common with the youngest.

tbh I get a bit pissed at the assumption that having kids close in age means they will be best buds and play together. I’m very different to my big bro we pretty much did our own thing growing up

dont sweat it nothing wrong with a bigger age gap

Post # 9
Member
2766 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am 4 years younger than my brother. We got on fine as kids, but as adults we don’t really speak (nothing happened, we’re just different people)

There is 20 years between my mum and her oldest sister (WW2 meant my grandma had some huge age gaps between her kids) They are close now as adults and had quite a mum / daughter relationship when mum was younger. My mum is close to her neices and nephews as they are closer in age to her. There is 18 years between her and her oldest brother – they never speak. He wasn’t invited to my wedding and its not good. She loves his children, but not him. They never lived in the same house though.

There are 2 years between my husband and his sister and they are very close. There will be 2 years between my children and we will see how close they are.

My point being that age gaps are do not determin relationship.

Post # 10
Member
1372 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with PP that age gaps don’t have to cause problems. My sister is 5 years older, and my brother 11 years older. I’m decently close with my sister and not very with my brother–but that’s just because he’s a total asshole and not because of the age gap, so. Just make sure your son isn’t a douchebag to his sibling, and all should be well. 😉 

ETA: Actually, I’m going to clarify a bit because the following details will be relevant. Part of the reason by brother is an asshole is because my parents had him VERY early, when they were 19. They were much too young and immature to be raising children (and this was in the 1970s, so women working and things of that ilk were rather different), and so they didn’t have the best parenting skills. I was born when they were around 30 and they’d already had my sister, so they were more mature and had more practice by then. My brother saw that they let SO many more things slide with me, I never got hit, I had more freedoms earlier on, etc., and he resented me for it. In fact, he REALLY treated me horribly for ALL of my childhood; luckily, he was out of the house when I was still pretty young. But his treatment of me has done damage.

So I certainly don’t think that a large age gap MUST harm relationships between siblings. BUT if the treatment of each child is radically different (which can’t always be helped given how parents learn and change as human beings and as parents), there could be resentment there. On the other hand, if you don’t scream and hit one kid and then treat the other one pretty nicely, as my jackass parents did, it should be fine. :/

Post # 11
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

My brother and I are 5 years apart and while I don’t know how that was for my parents when I was 5 and they had a newborn, we are definitely good friends now. 

Post # 12
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

My sister is 11 and my brother is 13 years older than me. We get along perfectly. I adored my brother growing up. My sister and I didn’t have much of a connection until I was around 12-13 years old. But life after that has become just PERFECT!

With both of my siblings we never argued, they always got my back no matter what and I feel blessed to have them both. 5 years age isn’t a lot at all. Just try to be supportive to your older kid while he starts the school etc. 

Post # 13
Member
1528 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

I’m the youngest sibling in my family by 16 years lol. I loved it growing up, and I get along perfectly well with my older siblings, we never fight and yet were such good friends we talk on the phone multiple times per week.

I got to be an aunt at 14, so much fun. 

5 years is totally fine! 

Post # 14
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

My nieces have 8 years between them, the oldest girl is 12 and the younger girl is 4. They are very close, my older niece is SO sweet to her younger sister. She loves being the big sister, and has been great with her since my younger niece as a baby. My brother and SIL recently had another baby girl, and now my 4 year old niece gets to be the big sister and she’s so happy, it’s so cute lol. But my two older nieces were the only two kids for years, and they have a large gap between them, and they are very close and get along great.

My Fiance is 11 years older than his younger sister. They get along really well. She’s always looked up to him. He’d babysit her, and play video games with her and stuff. She ended up having a lot of similar interests as him, and they’re still close. He’s actually closer with her than his other sister who’s only 2 years older than him (not that they don’t get along, his older sister is the sweetest person ever, they just don’t have any of the same interests at all).

I think having a gap between children can be great. You just never know. Kids close in age can fight all the time, or they can be super close. Kids further apart in age can end up being close, or not. Nothing is guaranteed. But I wouldn’t worry about your kids being far apart in age, because it doesn’t mean at all that they won’t get along or that your son will resent you.

Post # 15
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m the middle. My older brother is 2 years older and my younger brother is 3 years younger. I get along with both of them but they do not get along with each other. I think at times the age difference of 5 years may have played into it a little, different stages of life, but mostly it’s the personality difference and upbringing of being the youngest vs the oldest. They are so opposites. I think personality plays a bigger role than age.  My husband has the same age gaps with his siblings (he’s the middle too) and they all get along great. Even if your kids were 1-2 years apart there is no guarantee they will get along. It’s like when people hope for a certain sex becasue they assume, for example, a sister relationship would be stronger than a brother/sister relationship. You’ll hear personal examples for each side. 

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