(Closed) Big argument with friend!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
7440 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Why does she have these concerns? When calmer try to see where she is coming from. If unfounded then let her go

Post # 3
Member
30393 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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Kacey23:  Your best friends are likely the only ones who will ever tell you the truth.

It takes courage and caring to have that kind of conversation with a friends. She cares about you and is obviously concerned about some aspects of your relationship.

Instead of being angry, I suggest you put some thought to her concerns and see if she may have some valid points.

Post # 4
Member
2921 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I once explained concerns about a relationship to a close friend of mine. She accepted it was because I cared about her and we agreed to disagree and nothing more was ever said. Not sure why you reacted with such hostility. It can’t all be sunshine in every discussion and friends can show kindness in many ways, you know.

Post # 5
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I’ve been there. I have a friend who seems to think my husband controls my life. Ha, like that would happen. Definitely voice your opinion to her calmly on the situation. Don’t hold it in, that causes giant outburts you may regret later down the line.

Post # 6
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I had a similar situation happen during the early stages of my relationship. My “best friend” at the time told me that she had concerns about Fiance because he came off as a sex fiend and she also thought that he was with me because the “stock” of women in the city I was living in at the time was low. Talk about blow to the gut. None of her “concerns” turned out to be valid but did cause some anxiety and doubt those first few months that I was dating Fiance. Needless to say, I am not as close to her as I was before her comments.

My best advice would be to try and understand where your friend is coming from (especially if it has to do with your safety). From what you provided, it almost seems as though she thinks you have changed since getting in a relationship. Does she seem concerned with the changes that your relationship has had on your friendship (spending less time together, different priorities, etc.)? 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by busybev.
Post # 7
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

My best friend told me the same – that I am not the same person I once was and I am unhappy.  When probed for more info, her ideas were completely unfounded and immature.  Plus, it helps to talk to other friends too.. my other friends were completely shocked she even said these things about me and Fiance, which proved that she was the problem… lol

Post # 8
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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busybev:  Wow low blow and completely immature of your friend to say that about you.  Clearly she might have been dealing with some insecurities of her own and wanted to deflect onto you… lol Hope you walked away from her for good!

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by MelissaandKyle. Reason: typo!
Post # 9
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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MelissaandKyle:  you’re right! She was/is unhappy and insecure about never being in a relationship despite actively pursuing one. In fact, when I first told her about Fiance (then just an aquiantance) she told me to tell him about HER so they could be friends/get to know each other. I haven’t cut her off for good (kind of hard since I’ve known her since middle school), but at this point the friendship is dead. She tries to check in every 6 months or so, but I’m still “meh” about her. 

Post # 10
Member
238 posts
Helper bee

I have a friend who I have the exact same concerns about. I’ve known her since middle school and she is a funny, smart, outgoing, confident person- except with her new boyfriend. He does things to make her anxious and insecure- and even when things with them are “good,” she has to spend most of her time explaining things to him (he’s not the brightest), working around his demands, etc. She just isn’t her bright and happy self around him.

Trust me, this is a really tough conversation to have with a friend. I know it was tough for her to hear, too. I ended up sitting her down- just one time- and super respectfully told her all of my concerns and exactly what I thought. I also told her that I loved her, I would support her no matter what, and I wouldn’t bring these concerns up again unless she asked for my advice (or, of course, if something like abuse happened). She is still with him and we are still close friends, and she knows she can come to me for anything.

I don’t know your situation, so I can’t tell you whether your friend’s concerns were legitimate or not. I do think you should hear her out and think about them, think about whether she is acting with your best interests at heart (even if you don’t agree), and then make your own decisions. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
11 posts
Newbee

Without personally knowing your relationship or your friend, it is hard to say where this is coming from.  She might be jealous or lonely or missing you or just kind of a B, as PP have said.  But it might be coming from a valid place.  My younger sister was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years and I had many coversations with her that sounded like this- that I was concerned that she was not able to be herself.  She steadfastly denied it, called me names, and we ended up not speaking several times because of it, but I always went back to talking with her because I wanted her to know that I loved her no matter what and she did have someone outside of her relationship, no matter how much her Ex tried to cut her off from everyone else in her life.  It is only now, 2 years after they have broken up and after many therapy sessions, that she is finally comfortable being herself again.  She never even saw her own personality, needs, and desires slipping away because she was was blinded by her “love” for this awful person, which she nows realizes was not truly love at all.

Again, I am in no way saying that this must be your situation as I do not know you, but I wanted you to know that it’s possible that she thinks she is doing the right thing and trying to help you.  It might be coming from a place of deep caring.

Post # 12
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee

If she’s such a good friend I think you should be willing to hear her out. If one of my best friends brought up concerns about my relationship it would make me stop and listen- either to find out WHY they had these concerns or to examine if they could be valid.

Why so quick to go on the defensive? Is it possible there’s some truth to what she said?

Post # 13
Member
1702 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Sometimes this kind of thing is just a weird way of saying “I miss spending more time together just the two of us.”  Could this be the case here?  I would start a new conversation and tell her how much her comments hurt you.  Maybe she can express her concerns in a more respectful way.

Post # 14
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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Kacey23:  Honestly, I would be alarmed.  Your best friends WANT THE BEST FOR YOU.  I have said on multiple threads you have posted that I can see significant issues in your relationship…and I am an internet stranger.  And here one of your best friends is saying you aren’t the same person with your boyfriend.  That is ALARMING.  My BFF hated my ex boyfriend.  I didn’t know it until after we had broken up, but she confided in me that she had some major concerns with him.  If we had gotten engaged she was planning an intervention.  I see now that I’m not with him what her concerns were, but I didn’t see it at the time.

Really listen to what your friend has to say.  I mean LISTEN.  I know you want to protect your boyfriend and your relationship, but she obviously is noticing some not-great things about your relationship…and as one of your best friends she knows you best.  Again, SHE WANTS THE BEST FOR YOU.  She is not trying to push you away.  She is exposing things she is noticing about your relationship.  I have seen SO MANY red flags with your relationship in your posts.  It sounds like she has been noticing them too, as an in-person friend.  Please please please listen to her.  I know it’s not what you want to hear but I think you need to hear it.

Post # 15
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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MelissaandKyle:  Ummm…have you read prior posts about this particular relationship?  There are a TON of red flags.  Assuming that the friend is jealous and that she should be “dropped for good” isn’t the way to go about this…….  A friend having this kind of conversation with someone they are close to is not easy.  Good friends don’t go about trying to sabotage relationships just for the hell of it.

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