(Closed) Big brother's wedding… Mistake?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@bbones:  Eloping is much less stressful than doing a big wedding.  It’s their decision, leave it alone.  There could be personal family drama you’re not aware of involving their relationship or the money they need to do a big wedding.  Lots of us on the Bee recommend eloping to reduce stress.

Post # 4
184 posts
Blushing bee

Unfortunately, there’s really not much you can do. This decision is 100% up to your brother and his fiancee. I understand why you would be upset though, as this decision robs your family of the experiences and memories that would come from a traditional wedding.


It never hurts to ask your brother why he decided to elope instead of go the traditional route. But if that is something he (or his fiancee) have set their minds to, I doubt you will be able to change it. In fact, if you press too much you might damage your relationship with your brother and his future wife. 


Good luck! 


Post # 5
3772 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@bbones:  It’s your brother’s wedding/elopement so the decision is his and his fiancé’s. Not yours. 

Post # 6
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I understand you feel hurt, but at the end of the day it’s their marriage and they did what was best for them. Many people plan a traditional wedding and then decide it’s just better to elope. I did. And don’t regret it one bit. The attention, family drama, and cost really played into my decision and my thought was that family would get over it.

I would never say that my brother made a mistake if he decided to elope. They have been together for awhile and you should support them in their marriage. You can let him know you are hurt, but that you are glad they did what was right for them. 

Post # 8
7265 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would say, that given you’re here posting about it, that’s a good enough reason for them to choose to elope. I’m NOT saying it’s your fault, I’m just saying that they cited family drama and stress as their reason…..and here you are upset that you think they’re making a mistake by elopeing and not having the traditional wedding you think your brother really wants. As we all know, planning a wedding is incredibly stressful – and then you add in family drama where people hate each other. Yikes! Who wants to deal with that at their wedding? 


You don’t think it’s a good decision, but it just isn’t a good decision for YOU. It may be the perfect decision for them. She doesn’t like being the center of attention, so what? Lots of people are that way? Why should she be forced to have a bachelorette party, or 21st B-day blowout, or any other party becuase someone else thinks it’s silly she won’t do it? 


The best advice I have is to leave it alone. Their wedding, their way. 


Oh, and FWIW….people assumed we had a “big wedding” because I wanted it – considering I’m the girl, and a wedding photogarpher, and I love all things wedding. On the contrary….I wanted a small wedding – destination or elopement – and my DH wanted the big wedding.

So I guess the same argument could be said for your brother….if she wanted the big wedding and he just wanted to elope, and they did elope – should your brother have just “manned up” and gone along with a big wedding? Marriage is about compromise….you don’t always get to win every time. No one ever knows what goes on in someone else’s home. How do you know they didn’t mutally agree on it, since your family is the one with all the drama?

Post # 10
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I have been in this situation, but in the position of the bride. Because of his family problems we cancelled the wedding. His mother didn’t like me, and tried everything to create problems to stop the wedding. I have refused to marry him now, as I feel that a wedding is between a ‘bride and a groom’. Families need to just accept the invitation and be happy to be invited. (Which is often not the case- almost everyone has some silly need or another which can just add to the stress of planning).

Eloping is often seen as a easy way out. Maybe she/he is still angry that they had to elope.

Post # 11
836 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Have you considered that she may have social anxiety? It seems your family is pretty rude about their choices. She won’t “man” up and do whatever thing you guys want, or “man” up and have a birthday party. That’s a shitty thing to say. I have anxiety and I’m tired of ppl that act like that, like everyone needs to be little miss social. It’s ignorant to ppl like us. Have you thought about the fact that you’re probably hurting your brother by being all pissed about it? You all need to accept that this isn’t about you, it’s about them.

Post # 13
9126 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

View original reply
@bbones:  It sounds like you’ve already done everything you can in terms of getting them to see your side… Even if he’s going along with it because of his fiancee, that’s his right, and it’s pretty considerate of him to take her social anxiety into account. I would guess that any more questioning about it will start to really irritate them.  They’ve made a decision about their wedding and past a certain point, it’s no one else’s business.

They don’t really want any opinions or input on it. They don’t even talk about it in front of us which annoys me.  It seems pretty obvious that they are tired of hearing their family’s opinions, so really, STOP harassing him about it!

You need to just try not to take it personally, let it go, and be happy for them.


Post # 15
5187 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@bbones:  It’s none of your business really. When 2 people get married they become a family of their own. I understand why you feel hurt, but they’re not doing it for the purpose of excluding you and your family. Celebrate with them when they get back. All you can do for them is say congratulations and wish them happiness.

Post # 16
836 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

What you just described is the exact meaning of social anxiety. Of course she would surround herself with ppl she likes. She knows them well. Of course she wouldn’t go to concerts where groups of ppl are. It’s a nightmare at best. Please go research social anxiety.

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