(Closed) Big brother's wedding… Mistake?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 92
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@bbones:   I think its kind of rediculous that you and your family are talking behind this girls back about how “tacky” she is and how awful she is for not wanting to take you all out to dinner. I mean come on. If you are so cincerned about your bro, pull him aside and ask him what he thinks. He’s obviously trying to make the woman he loves comfortable. That is a good man. I could not have stayed in a relationship  where my so’s family thought I was a horrible person for being awkward. Have you ever once stopped to think that simply coming to any family function is trying for her? Don’t say she isnt even trying. Maybe being around people who guilt trip you constanly is harrowing. 

CCan’t you be happy about their marriage without a party? Can’t you just take them out to dinner to be nice and toast them if its so important to you? 

Post # 93
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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@Little_Hedgy:  True that. I avoid my Future Mother-In-Law at all costs unless I absolutely HAVE to be near her because she’s a totally guilt tripping manipulative person. She really does try her best but she doesn’t see how utterly passive aggressive and manipulative she really is. I love her dearly but I won’t interact with her unless I absolutely have to. And even then I’m direct and brief. She’s a draining lady.

Post # 95
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

And I’m not really surprised if she has been complaining about your family.  If I was in her shoes, and you’d been acting towards me like you are to her, I would too.

 

Post # 96
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@bbones:  My Fiance and I are in a somewhat similar situation. We have a deposit down here in our hometown for a “big” wedding, but at the same time we are also considering a Destination Wedding with just family but are ALSO considering just saying screw it and elopeing in that same Destination Wedding area venue. Not everyone is into planning a big wedding, or planning a wedding at all. And like others have said, there may very well be issues you’re not aware of. If you asked my parents if we had issues they would probably say we don’t but they say such hurtful things to me and have no filter – I don’t want to deal with that on my wedding day! And on top of that, even though they are planning to help a little, I don’t want to pay a bunch of money for a party full of people who have treated me badly. Let him and his fiance do what they need to do. This is completey their choice and their day.

Post # 97
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’m in a situation similar but I am the bride. Families seem to get very confused about weddings. They seem to forget that a wedding day is not their day, its not a party, its not something everyone has a right to be invited to. It is about two people commiting to a life and marriage together. It is for the two of them. It is their day of commitment, not yours or your mums, it is theirs. A wedding day is one day, just one, a marriage is 60 years long. Let them decide if they want to do it just them two. Their money, their commitment, their decisions. They probably just want to be married, they just want to be man and wife. They dont want to save for years to spend it on one day and have all the drama. Leave them be. If thats what they want to do you should respect that and keep stum. Trust me they want the wedding they want not the wedding you think they should have, they dont need your opinions.

Post # 98
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

here in the UK you would expect to go to a reception and pay for drinks yourself. It is very rare to have a paid bar.

 

I can understand how you would be upset but it was their desicion at the end of the day.

 

Be happy with them and in time they may want to celebrate it with you all. Think you have done all you can so I would leave it now.

 

Dont worry about it 🙂 people can be so nasty on these boards 🙁

Post # 99
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

After reading this mess, I don’t blame that bride for complaining on this site at all.

Post # 100
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@bbones:  A few things…

The way you’re going on about being excluded… you’re making it way more personal than it was.  In their (your bro and his FO) discussion, i bet you personally never came into it! I doubt they wre sitting around a table talking about ways to make ya’ll feel bad.  They were talking about what’s best for them.  And they’ve decided an elopment is best.  They’ve obviosuly been together a long time and they just want to be married. 

I’m a homebody too, and i hate the way people try to make it sound like a bad thing. Like you have to be diagnosed with social anxiety to justify it. But you don’t! It’s ok!  It sounds like she does make an effort, but it’s just not enough for you. But this wedding, doesn’t have a single thing to do with you! 

Also, i agree with the PP’s that said your brother is a big boy.  Honestly, it sounds like he might have been pushed into planning a big wedding by you and your mum, and then upon further discussion he and his lady decided to just elope and avoid all the hassal!

I know you believe you’re coming from a good place.  But if you’re so worked up to point where you had to come vent about it online, i can just imagine the drama your side of the family was pushing on him. 

Btw, are you married? Have you planned a wedding? Because it’s hard work. And stressful. There are brides here everyday driven to tears by the stress of planning such a big event. Especially when there’s pushy family in the mix.  If you really love your bro and his lady as much as you claim to (by being worried about his future regrets), be supportive, positive and kind. And leave it alone.

Post # 101
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 1988

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@bbones:  Your adult brother has chosen (for WHATEVER reason) to elope with his bride. You need to step back from all of this and give him your love and support.

As someone else said, they are now their own family. If you continue to push your “agenda”, you run the risk that you might, forever, change your relationship with your brother and his wife. 

You said… “H(e) seemed happy to be doing the traditional wedding but said it was a combination of cost and family drama that put them off, but I think his fiancée talked him into it.” You have NO idea about their private conversations (nor should you!). Okay, maybe he did want a traditional wedding and she talked him out of it… that’s their issue… NOT yours!! As someone else said… that’s what adults do… they compromise. He has chosen to honor his wife and her wishes.  

Please let this be. Let them have their wedding and just be happy for them. 

 

 

 

Post # 103
Member
11267 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@bbones:  if you are so concerned about a wedding celebration, have your own.

if you can’t and still feel the need to attend a wedding, i hear that there is one coming up at a public park….

Post # 104
Member
1222 posts
Bumble bee

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@bbones:   I’ve read all of your responses to this thread, and I can see why they want to elope. What kinds of things would you say if they did have an actual wedding? “Oh, they HAVE to do this, they HAVE to have that!”

You’re veiling this as concern for your brother, but have you ever thought he might be happy either way? At the end of the day, he is marrying the woman he loves. Be happy for him for that alone. A wedding is a personal decision. It does not HAVE to be a huge party; some weddings are because that is what someone chooses them to be. Some couples choose to have a small, intimate ceremony with just them. That’s ok too. I mean, maybe he sees the romantic aspect of it: just him and his future wife declaring their lives to each other without any extra hassles or anything to distract them from each other.

I’ll share something from my perspective. I’m not shy, like your future sister in law, but I have considered eloping. My best friend is like a sister to me and it would crush me if she couldn’t be there. I’m more worried about her being there than my own parents! But circumstances came to light which meant it might be more prudent for SO and I to elope, and this would have to happen without her there. Did it hurt her when I told her about this? I’m sure it did hurt that she might not be able to stand beside her best friend at her wedding. I know if I were in her place, it would absolutely break my heart. But she didn’t show it. She hugged me and told me that she would support me in whatever I had to or wanted to do- even if that didn’t include her. That’s what you, as a sister, should be doing for your brother. No matter what he and his future wife decide to do on their day, you should love him enough to want to support him and learn to be selfless enough to do that even if it means that you can’t be there. That’s what love is. Sometimes it means giving up what you want so that the person you love can have what they want. Your brother has obviously figured that out- now you should.

Post # 106
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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@mypinkshoes:  I keep seeing this reference. O_O I am getting married at a public park so now I’m curious. What thread do you speak of?

 

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