Post # 107
as I said before, I, not a hugely social person myself and I’m not crazy on weddings, I just worry about the effect it could have in my brother and my mother, though maybe more about the latter than the former, I’m realising.
Ive only recently (the last two years) gotten into my first proper relationship. Things I used to think we’re harsh about my Future Sister-In-Law I now realise are essential for being in a relationship, and I’ve confided that to her and she understood what I meant. Maybe it is my inexperience and it will all come to light when I do get married.
Post # 108
mmm, she does make an effort but she isn’t even taking his name! That’s another snub.
also, my mum was so upset that she wasn’t allowed the chance to buy my brothers wedding suit because my Future Sister-In-Law decided he had to have a Ben Sherman one which she knew my mother could not afford. It’s little things that are probably more thoughtless than really nasty.
thats essentially my whole contention, they’re netting married in New York without any family and by deliberately going to far say I think she is being thoughtless rather than actu ally hurtful.
Post # 109
1. Most men don’t care about weddings. I doubt your SIL had to do much pushing to get him to elope. I doubt he was dreaming about decor and attire and the reception and everything else.
2. Why don’t you and your mom ( or your dad, just not both at once given the history ) take them out to dinner when they get back? Just the four of you. Give them a gift. Wish them well. Pay for the dinner. That way you get to spend some time with them and congratulate them, and there is no big party or reception for your SIL to worry about.
Post # 110
I like my fiancé’s family. I’m not taking his name. It’s not a reflection upon my feelings about his family or masculinity. It’s my choice and my name.
Why couldn’t your mom still contribute to the suit x amount and they paid for the rest. Why did it have to be all or nothing? Why does the fact they want to elope in New York and far away a thoughtless snub for your family? Maybe they like New York? Maybe they’ve always wanted to go to New York.
You need to stop thinking about yourself and your mom. It’s not. You’re making mountains out of molehills and keeping this tally about how your Future Sister-In-Law is inadequate.
The passive aggression needs to stop.
Post # 111
@bbones: Regardless of who influenced who, they’ve made a decision as an adult couple and you need to respect that. Perhaps you could throw them an engagement party or some other type of celebration so that you and your family could be included without them having to stress about planning it. I’m sorry that you won’t be able to share in their day.
Post # 112
The bottom line is this. It’s their lives and wedding. You can have feelings about their decisions, but if you tell them on a continuing basis about how many ‘mistakes’ they are making, I’d expect not to see them much any more. They get to decide big wedding vs elopement, they get to decide quick courthouse wedding vs, NY wedding, vs. big traditional wedding. They get to decide whether to change her name or not and if there is any issue over it – it’s between her and your brother.
You may think that you haven’t said any of this to her, but you do say that you’re passive aggressive and if you think she doesn’t know that you are upset with her (and if you’re upset at all it should be with both of them) you’re being very naive.
Their wedding. their way. YOu can either support them or anticipate you’ll be seeing much less of them.
Post # 113
someone kept posting about not being invited to a wedding in a park but still wanted to attend.
Post # 114
I also wanted to mention that I love my FIL’s. I really view them as family. I am defensive of them when others want to make comments. They have done nothing but make me feel welcomed and like a part of everything.
Even though I have been with SO for 7 years, and I see them once a month or so, and his mom throws me a birthday party every year, I still get anxiety. They have big, noisy get togethers, and I have to have SO with me to feel comfortable. I can go one-on-one shopping with his sister or mom and be okay, but I definitely have my weirdness when dealing with whole family events. As far as I know, none of them think I am a weirdo for it, and it makes it much easier to just be myself.
Post # 115
Hmmmmmm, I hope it’s not mine. XDDDD Although I haven’t even sent out invitations yet, so not likely. 😛
Post # 116
If your mother has a problem with them eloping, that is her issue to deal with. You can’t live your life trying to keep everyone happy, especially when there was nothing wrong actually done. If your brother and his fiancee want to elope, that is okay. Anyone who disagrees just has to deal with it. They aren’t the ones getting married.
Post # 117
+100 social anxiety is exactly what you described.
OP: A wedding, be it elopement or a huge event is first and formost about the bride and groom. If the bride would be about to have anxiety attacks or be stressed out beyond compare at a bigger party then it is her right to ask her groom to skip it and elope. If he’s ok with it then that means he is an amazing man.
A wedding is NOT about the family and their wishes. Sorry.
Post # 118
Also, not taking the man’s name is not necessarily a snub towards him or his family. Some couples choose not to do it, either for personal reasons or because of the origin of the tradition, which symbolizes the woman passing from her father’s ownership to her husband’s. Again, it’s a personal decision.
Post # 119
She is not being thoughtless. She is having a wedding that she (the bride) and he (the groom) want.
Re: the Ben Sherman suit… you said your mother does not have a lot of money. Maybe this is their way of not stressing you Mum about finances. Maybe, in one of their private conversations that you are not privy to, your brother stated his desire to be married in a Ben Sherman suit.
Re: being married in New York… again you don’t know their private conversations… they are BOTH in agreement so, it’s what they BOTH want!
Please, please be happy for your brother and his new bride. If you continue down this path… you will ruin your relationship… is all of this worth that?
Post # 120
@bbones: “mmm, she does make an effort but she isn’t even taking his name! That’s another snub.”
Ummmmm no. It’s not a snub my dear. It’s just not.
That’s another example of you reading into something and inventing percieved insults.