(Closed) big communication problems (I apologize that this is lengthy)

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I think what you need to do is compromise. It sounds like you are absolutely 100% set on paying your own way through everything and that’s fantastic! Very respectable. But I think you have a true gentleman on your hands and it might be worth it to let him spoil you once in a while. Perhaps if you let him spoil you now and then, that he might not feel such a great sense of needing to spoil you HUGELY and all at once. 

I think you should still try to get him to come down, tell him that most of the stuff in that dream wedding file isn’t even in your interest any more, that now you like ____ and this much more economical ideal for your wedding. Tell him you’d rather x amount of money be spent elsewhere, say a house, or a car, or caring for a child in the future, or charity! 

Unless you really do want that super swank wedding, in which case, ease up and let go the reins, girl!

Post # 4
Member
1657 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Wow, you are lucky. Not because of the money, but because he sounds like a great guy.

 

Take it from me, my parents are insisting on paying for my wedding, even though I will not accept a cent. I’m doing a backyard wedding, my brother is the photographer (he is a professional), and there will be no DJ, no catering, etc. Even though I could afford a great wedding, I don’t want one for the exact same reason: what’s the point of spending so much for one day?

 

I know other bees think differently, but what I would say is compromise. If he has his heart set on it, let him do it, but try and cut corners where you possibly could. I find it really sweet the way you view your relationship with him. 🙂

 

And my condolences about your parents, even if it did happen a while ago. They would be proud to see what a beautiful woman you’ve become.

Post # 5
Member
4008 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Just for a different perspective, he may want/need the big extravagant wedding and not like the idea of jeans at the courthouse. You mentioned his family has money and go to political and charity events. When he gets married, some of those people will be invited – business associates, polical leaders, etc. a certain kind of wedding is expected. 

Talk to him about it. I agree with PP about telling him the things in that file aren’t really what you like anymore and you’d prefer ______. But also realize he may be experiencing some pressure for the kind of wedding he needs to have too. 

Post # 6
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Also, this about it this way – that big, expensive wedding puts a lot of money into the pockets of people who are a lot less well off than he is. Caterers, musicians, florists – these people are either middle class or the working poor. So your wedding is trickle-down economics in action.

Post # 7
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Glasgowbound:  +1  This was my same exact thought.  If he comes from a wealthy family, it’s probably not that crazy for someone from his family to have a pretty extravegant wedding.  It seems like relatively middle-class people often have 25-30k weddings these days, so for people with a lot of money (and a lot people they might be obligated to invite) I can see how that would easily become a lot more expensive.

Despite you saying you don’t care about the money, it seems like money plays a really big role in your relationship. If things are going to work I think that money needs to no longer be this big elephant in the room…and his parents need to not doubt you and need to trust their son.

Obviously if you really don’t want a big expensive wedding, you shouldn’t have one (and I don’t see how it could be so hard to convince your fiance that what he found was just a project for school).  But don’t not have one just because you are worried about what other people think.

Post # 8
Member
12249 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

So maybe you want an economically “average” wedding.

But that’s not what he grew up with!

Maybe it’s not just that he wants nice things for YOU. Maybe he wants to put on a huge, show-y affair to show EVERYONE that he can take care of you and even spoil you? That he is a good provider?

I would let him do it, if it’s going to make him happy!

Post # 9
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I agree with the above posters who mentioned that he might feel socially obligated to have a very fancy, extravegant wedding based on who would be on the guest list and his family’s social standing. Maybe this is more just something HE wants, and he is trying to use the ‘I just want to spoil you’ excuse because it isn’t very manly to want to have a fancy wedding (?). Although, if that is the case, I would kind of expect his parents to be on a similar page. Are you sure that you are interpreting their reaction to this ‘dream wedding’ correctly? Will a lot of his parents’ friends be wedding guests? If so, maybe you should all sit down together (you, him, his parents) and discuss wedding plans. Not that you have to take their suggestions, it’s your wedding, but old money or no, I think it’s common courtesy to involve parents in wedding planning to some degree. Then you might get a better idea of what is actually going on in their heads, and they can see that you are mature and rational and willing to hear their suggestions and opinions. Maybe this is more of a ‘new money’ perspective but a lot of rich people that I have known or been related to are extremely frugal. That is how they got rich in the first place. The other possibility here is that your fiance and his parents have differing opinions on what kinds of luxuries are justifiable. If that’s the case you’ll have to decide who you care more about keeping happy: your fiance or his parents. 

Post # 10
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would tell him that you LOVE that he is willing to make your dreams a reality, but could you go over them together and cut some things (idk what’s making it add up to so much, but could you cut some flowers, decorations, fancy food and still have like… and 80k wedding?) so that you felt more comfortable? HOWEVER – consider that, given his family’s position, they may be inviting people who would expect a big blowout wedding, and it may be awkward to have a smaller one. AND if he has gone to fancy 150k shindigs a lot, it may be what HE wants and what HE is expecting too. Idk!

I would also put up a budget of what YOU can contribute to the wedding, and let him know you’d like to contribute as much as possible (maybe… your attire, his ring, compensating the officiant, and a few other things that are very important symbolically but not break-the-bank expensive – but the things that make the wedding the wedding, so that if you guys said “fuck it, let’s have it at a public park,” you’d still bring the dress, the ring, and the officiant), because you guys are a team and the wedding is a team effort. BUT that cuts both ways – if he wants to contribute a lot, you are making him feel like not part of the team by not letting him. Someone has to bend here.

If you guys can’t sort this out alone, try couples’ counseling. You also need to set expectations about money post-marriage – I mean, have you discussed this? Is his money in a trust accessible only to him, is there a prenup, or does it become yours too upon marriage? Idk, I’m wondering if these issues are symptomatic of a larger problem where you haven’t properly dealt with the money issue.

And in conclusion – it’s totally normal for money issues to get crazy immediately post-engagement. You’ll sort it out. My fiance makes 10 times more than I do, and my father makes over twice as much as he does, so there was A LOT of wrangling over wedding expenses and who was paying for what and what the expectations were and so on.

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