(Closed) Big fight, not sure where we stand… LONG

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

He’s not fighting fair, and he apparently doesn’t share the same views as you do, especially when it comes to raising children. I dont’ think would continue with this relationship, if I were you

Post # 4
Member
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Oh my goodness. That sounds horrible. I think you need to ask yourself, firstly, does he respect you, and secondly, do you share the same values? I think this will help you evaluate the relationship.

He also needs to never use threatening to leave you as ammo in an argument again. That’s not acceptable. And then to ask why you’re upset? 🙁

I hope you can work these issues out. Good luck hon.

Post # 5
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Ok, my brain is on two spectrums here.

As far as the fighting goes, it doesn’t sound like anything that can’t be fixed. In fact, it reminds me of a lot of fights my SO and I used to have. It’s certainly not good, but if both people want to learn how to fight more effectively and respectfully in counseling, it can be done. I’m not sure  exactly what you said when you left, but what I found works for me, is that SO and I have a rule that we must calmly say where we’re going and when we intend to get back. So, “I can’t handle yelling right now. I’m going to sleep downstairs and I’ll come back when I’m ready. If I fall asleep, I might be there all night.” However, the caveat to that rule is that the other person must calmly let the other person go and not bug them until they’re prepared to talk.

In short, for the fightiing peace, I really reccomend counseling. If you both are open to learning, it can be amazing.

His attitude toward LGBTQ issues is what frightens me. Then, again this is a personal thing. My very strong feelings about sexuality are a core definer of who I am! I am the kind of person who cannot be friends with someone who has the kind of attitude your Fiance displayed. In fact, when I first started dating my SO, I made sure I knew where he stood before I committed to him. It’s that big of dealbreaker for me. I know, in my heart, that if my SO said those things, I would walk away from him.

But that’s so personal. Can you live with the fact that he might never change that attitude? Have you investigated further? Do his misconceptions lie in hatred or ignorance? There’s big difference imo. Do you think he’d shame your future child if they didn’t fit into gender norms? It’s a lot to think about. Good luck!! 

Post # 6
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Ouch… well what do you want us to say? That you are being silly and to stay and work on it, or that you have permission to be angry and you should leave?

In this situation, I would leave, but only because of the unfair fighting and his childish “if you leave now it’s all your fault!” stuff.

About him being bigoted (which he is), it’s pretty funny, Fiance and I had a discussion about that same topic that was spurred by the “what if your son asked for dolls for Christmas” thread.  We had different opinions of what we would do in that situation (although not nearly to the extent that you guys disagreed), but we agreed to disagree and chalked it up to “we’ll decide if/when that happens.”

He should have dropped the argument when you asked him to stop talking about it. In my opinion, he’s majorly in the wrong, and this is an example of how he’ll be come any argument. In short, I would not put up with it and leave.

Post # 8
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

first of all, I’m really sorry you’re having this kind of fight. it sucks. But, figuring out whether you have the same kind of values about raising children is actually really, really important, imo. I personally wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who thought that way about sexuality–I agree with you that it’s pretty bigoted.

but that’s a different, separate issue than fighting fair. if you can live with his views on homosexuality–and these are views that you probably can’t change just by trying to talk him into thinking something different– than what I said above isn’t important, and both of you need to work on learning to fight more fairly. it does sound like he’s setting “the rules” and holding you to a double standard. when you both are calm, it might be good to sit down and talk through new “rules” together and promise to both be accountable to those rules, like not interrupting each other, not calling each other names, not threatening to leave the relationship, etc. 

Post # 9
Member
14495 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Maybe you too need to read a book about how to fight fair in a relationship.  There are several good one out there.  Also, there are a few therapists that offer sessions over skype and that type of thing, you might look into it.  I just saw it advertised in a local magazine, so maybe you can find one in your state.

I don’t think that there is anything seriously wrong with your relationship other than the fact that the two of you loose the ability to constructively communicate during an argument.  That is normal, you are speaking out of emotion rather than logic.  I think that once you find that the two of you learn some more constructive communication techniques that you find those things get much better. 

Post # 11
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

I know there are no counselors around, but are there any churches? Pastors can make good counselors sometimes too, check to see if there’s one in the area who’s willing to work with you two. These issues can be solved, but he needs to back off and see some of his mistakes as well. If there is no one around, I would recommend getting a couple books on relationships and reading them together and doing the exercises together, or getting a couple’s coach. Coaches work through Skype so you wouldn’t need to find a local one, of course the drawback is that they don’t take insurance so they are more expensive. But they can work with you just like counselors can, and sometimes can have even better results. PM me if you have more questions about this, or want to know some books recommendations for you guys.

I think what’s missing here is reciprocal respect. He is trying to manipulate you through threats and other means. A lot of men do that in relationships, although to a smaller level. It’s tough, but it can be worked out. But he has to want to work on it as well, and it’ll take a while for him to see his errors.

Post # 12
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Ouch:  Totally NOT off the mark. Yes, people are entitled to differing viewpoints, but you want to make sure that your views align (esp re: issues like this with such a fundamental disagreement and the major effects it could have on raising children, especially a homosexual child).

No, your Fiance does not fight fair at all, he seems to have many double standards, and there needs to be some sort of system in place to ‘call a time out’ and resume when both parties have calmed down and rationally thought through what they’d like to say. Not that name calling is good, but really, he is a bigot, so I liken it to be saying ‘your’e being a bigot’ (he is), not just inflamitory name calling like ‘you’re such a B*@&%’ or things of that nature.

I’d look into Skype/phone counseling, if that’s an option, but only after you seriously consider if this is the type of man that you want to be married to. I’m not saying that he should never be married due to his stance, but you both need to find someone that has similar views or can at least agree to disagree fairly and respectfully, and have a settled ‘game plan’ for how to address the issue when kids come into the mix. *hugs*

Post # 13
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

It’s not fair for him to hold you to a higher standard than he holds himself. The fighting isn’t as concerning to me as the fact that maybe he’s just not who you thought he was, values-wise. He seems kind of selfish and intolerant.

Post # 14
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Ouch: You should never, ever, EVER be afraid (even a little bit) when fighting with your future husband. Ever. Trust your intuition. If he was raising his voice, invading your personal space, and trying to manipulate you into being his (metaphorical, at least at this point) punching bag for when he’s angry, that is NOT OK. Even at the very beginning of your post, I was thinking that I could absolutely not be with someone who is bigoted, but your description of his behavior (punishing you for disagreeing with him by withholding a blanket?!? That is so manipulative, emotionally abusive, and wrong) just solidified it for me.

This isn’t just a situation where he lost his temper; it’s him displaying a pattern of abusive behavior–from the emotional manipulation to the punishment and down to the apology (which is not really an apology because he is very clearly still placing the blame on you–“I’m sorry for not giving you the blanket, but my reaction was really within your control all the time, since I only withheld it because you walked away, and if you walk away right now (to go to work), I will be justified in continuing to act like a dick to you.”

Some may think my advice is extreme, but if you do any research on the cycle of abuse, your fiance seems to fit the pattern perfectly. I am really concerned for where this relationship is headed, actually. Congratulate yourself for recognizing abusive behavior before it turns physically abusive and knowing on a gut level that it is wrong. Trust your intuition and choose yourself. Good luck, and please keep us posted.

Post # 15
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mckernae: I agree. I sometimes feel that the Hive can be quick to jump to ‘he’s abusive, leave him,’ but being familiar w/ the cycle of verbal/emotional abuse, this post raised some prelim flags for me as well. He may be totally able to recognize his behaivors as wrong and change them, but he sounds like he’s very set in this pattern, not one to respect others’ opinions, and is only going to keep at this way of dealing with issues (or escalate, as evidenced by the close-proximity yelling).

Post # 16
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@Ouch:  I didn’t mean it in a snarky way (if that’s what you thought!) just some ladies post here looking to validate their feelings or choices, and I was wondering if you were thinking of staying vs. leaving.

Of course, it’s so easy for anyone (myself included) to say run baby run, but in real life it’s much more difficult and complicated than that. I feel for you; I really wouldn’t want to be put in your position 🙁

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