(Closed) Big fight with FI :( Don’t want to wear e-ring today

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Sorry for the fake login – couldn’t bear to post under my real account.

Fiance and I got into the biggest fight last night. 

The short version?  He slept on the sofa and left for work this morning without saying a word.  All the other times we’ve fought, we’ve resolved it by morning and he’s left with our traditional goodbye kiss.  This time, as he left silently, it killed me.

The long version: 

Some background:  Fiance has been going through some financial issues.  He is not the financial wizard, to say the least.  I know this, I’ve accepted this, but it still frustrates me from time to time.  Yesterday, he did his taxes and got a 4K tax bill (a total relief to both of us, as I was expecting 10K (he had to short sell his house).  He’s also trying to get out of a ridiculous car lease (7 years, $500 a month!!) by selling it to a private party.  To get out of the least, he’s going to have to front at least $3-4K (since the selling price is less than what it’s worth).  Last week, we agreed to have him take $2K out of the wedding fund to purchase a car to use when his other car sold. 

Fast forward to last night:  he thinks he might have a buyer for the leased car – which is a huge relief and I’m excited to get rid of it.  I made the comment:  well, there goes the wedding fund (because now it will pretty much depleat it)  and he flipped out on me – and I flipped right back.  While we are both contributing to the fund, I’ve done about 75% and I’m floating household payments while he gets on his feet from credit card debt he incurred while trying to keep his house.  Getting rid of the car lease and figuring out taxes was the last huge hurdle we had to cross. 

I told him that I knew it was the right decision (to take the money out of the wedding fund to get rid of the car lease) but I told him that he’d need to understand that from time to time, I’m going to get frustrated at our financial situation. 

From that point, it was a downhill spiral.  He said he felt like it was all his fault, and I didn’t do anything to change his mind (I actually said:  yes, it is all your fault!).  I didn’t bitch at him more than that, we just huffed around all night in silence.  At some point, he started getting all snappy with me, and I asked him why he was snappy at me and he said he didn’t know. He pulled the “Are you PMS’ing” card which infuriates me to no end.

When it was time for bed, he beat me to bed and I was so frustrated that he wouldn’t talk to me, I told him that I didn’t want to sleep in the same bed with him, if he wouldn’t talk to me.  So, after some more angry words, he slept on the sofa (another first for us).

I realize I hit his manhood button, but I’m always the one who reconciles fights – not just in our relationship but in all relationships.  Quite frankly, I’m sick of it and think that sometimes the other person needs to step up to the plate.

I usually have no problem extending the olive branch, but for whatever reason, wanted him to be a man and accept the fact that he’s bringing serious money issues into our lives and not be a jerk about it.  I don’t think what I said to him is unreasonable – and I KNOW I didn’t get all that frustrated (other than showing disappointed that the wedding fund would be poof).  I reiterated that it was the best long-term financial decision, but at that point, it was too late.

I feel like this fight is setting some sort of standard for us.  While I fumed and didn’t sleep last night, I couldn’t help but start to wonder if we should even get married.  I know my frustration and anger fueled my feelings, but I kept saying to myself – if he doesn’t come in here and resolve this, it’s over.  It didn’t even dawn on me that he wouldn’t say goodbye in the morning.  When he didn’t.. it felt like a nail in the coffin.

I don’t even want to wear my e-ring today. 🙁 

I guess I’m trying to figure out if I’m being unreasonable or if I should have said something to him last night to make the peace.

At this point, I think it’s best to wait for him to extend some sort of communication with me.  What sucks even more is I have plans tonight and tomorrow night and he works during the day on Saturday.  Who knows if he’ll even be here when I get home tonight….

this sucks.

Post # 3
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Money & finance topics are some of the most difficult to navigate.  I can only imagine how frustrating it is to inherit someone else’s financial mistakes.  That being said, you HAVE agreed to help shoulder the responsiblity, so as annoyed as you get I can see why he finds it hurtful that you threw it back in his face.  Of course from time to time you’re going to get frustrated, but just because it IS his fault doesn’t mean it’s fair for you to keep reminding him.  It might be helpful to come here or call a close friend when you want to vent.

I personally take a LOOOONG time to switch gears when I’m upset.  If this is the biggest fight you guys have had, maybe having the next few days to cool down and put things in perspective will be beneficial.  If you’re able, trying being friendly (or at the very least polite!!) when your schedules do coincide, and maybe you guys can meet each other halfway so neither of you feels like you’re “caving”.  You don’t want to go too long without discussing, so maybe leave a note about wanting to set aside a time to chat once you’re both free.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this=(

Post # 4
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@twalila – thanks for the support.  I really don’t keep reminding him of it, it’s just in that moment of trying to figure out where the extra money to pay off the lease it dawned on me that it would have to come from the wedding fund.  I didn’t intend to say it in a mean or spitful way, but I read his body language after saying that and that’s why I told him that from time to time our financial situation will frustrate me, but it was something we could get through.

It’s definitely not the biggest fight we’ve ever had – but I’m usually the one that makes the first effort toward reconciliation.  He does on occasion – but, on this one, neither of us were willing to budge one bit.  I know something’s gotta give, and perhaps after a few days, we’ll be cooled off.

It just sucks because I hate that feeling when you are in the middle of a fight (that’s probably why I’m always the peacemaker)…. not to mention sleep deprivation!  And, I still can’t believe he just left without saying anything.

I like the idea of leaving a note, but it doesn’t do anything to help with my underlying issue of feeling like I’m always the one to make the effort to reconcile.

Post # 5
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Okay, first of all…((HUGS))  I’m so sorry you’re going through this, because I know just how you feel.  We haven’t had a fight on this particular issue, but our big fights always leave me feeling the way you’re feeling right now.  That being said, I think both of you said things that would have been better left unsaid and you both are going to need some time to cool down.  My problem in that situation, and this may be your problem as well, is that I need things to be fixed NOW and Fiance needs time on his own to process before he’s ready to fix.  This usually means I have to hang in misery until he’s ready.  So maybe just give him some time?  I feel bad saying this, because I really can imagine how I’d feel if I were you right now, but maybe it’s best if you guys can’t talk about this for a few days.  But I think you need to do something in the mean time so he knows you’re not “not speaking to him.”  I like the note idea, or maybe a text, or an email, or something saying something like: I’m feeling really sad about what happened, and I really want to talk about it.  I know we’re both busy for the next couple of days, but I’m hoping we can talk on _______. Good luck, and come back if you need some support! 

Post # 6
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

We have these types of financial blow-outs too, and Fiance and I are in the same type of “upside-down car loan” situation that you are. It’s so difficult trying to merge finances and take care of debt. For example, his mom left us $10k in loan debt and it’s a constant fight about if we should save money, use it for wedding stuff, or pay down debt – and we don’t always see eye-to-eye.

I think you need to take a long, hard look at what you want for your future; and if you want your future to include him, ya’ll are going to have to reconcile. Start all statements with I feel ___ when you ____ instead of blaming him right away. I know it’s difficult, but own up to your mistakes and he will undoubtedly apologize for his, too. Maybe practice some healthy conversation disucssions and try to set mutual goals – that you can BOTH compromise about!! You are not alone in dealing with big fights, especially about finances!! Good luck!! 🙂

Post # 7
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Me and Fiance have learned sooooo much from each other from reading ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’.  We read one chapter together every night and we look at each other like ‘are they talking about us?’, its crazy how different we are genetically and there is nothing we can do to change the other person.  We just need to know how men think, they are problem solvers and we are emotional talkers.  Once a woman attacks a man’s ego, he is very hurt by it and will go hide in his cave.  They dont want to talk things out like we do, instead they go cool off and try to problem solve.  We have learned that there are many different languages and ways to approach one another when we have a problem so it doesnt make it seem like we are ‘blaming’.  Seriously, get the book, its awesome to know before getting married

Post # 8
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My initial reaction is that I actually agree with you.  The debt is his fault.  It’s not like you’re blowing up on him daily about it.  You make one comment and he flips out on you?  You said it was his fault this time, said it once, and he needs to accept it.  You’re accepting to help him out, and he needs to be more sympathetic and grateful that you’re helping him by not blowing up the first time you make one comment, even when you agree that it’s the right thing to do…

And I wouldn’t even worry about the manhood button if he’s pulling the “are you pmsing” crap.

Post # 9
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@mrsmdphd – thanks for the encouragement and kind words.  I’m DEFINITELY the ‘let’s fix this NOW’ person!  I’m ok with waiting it out and giving him time.  I just feel so sad right now.  Kind of like we crossed a line we shouldn’t have. 

@alundberg – I know you get the $$ frustration!  This fight is actually making me question if I want him in my future.  Not so much because of the finances, but because I can’t believe he’d let me spend the night the way I did (knowing how upset I was and doing nothing to remedy it).

@tammyt112 – you made me smile with the ‘cave’ comment.  Fiance is definitely a cave dweller when the going gets tough.  He isn’t your typical problem solver, however, but definitely a good idea to read that book together.

I did show SOME restraint last night – what I wanted to do was take the ring, chuck it at him, and tell him to sell it to pay stuff off.  And, btw, I’m wearing the ring… I thought it would add insult to injury to have him come home (if he does) and see it there.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Also I second the “I feel” statements.  But I still stick to him needing to own up to his debt and be grateful that you’re helping him out of it in the first place!!

And the fact that you are on here wanting to work it out says that you’re probably not going to make this a habit. 

Post # 11
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@jslsbride62610 – OMG – thank you!!!  It feels soooo good to be understood.  You hit the nail on the head.  All I want is for him to be understanding of why I could be frustrated and to recognize the sacrifices I’ve been making this past YEAR+ on our behalf.  I know he does – but when he gets THIS outrageously upset at me for my disappointement and my one comment that the 6K in the wedding account will be ziltch – it’s seriously ridiculous.  I feel like he needs to find his lost balls (ok, too crass, I know) and step up and be a man about it.  I don’t always want to be the one to rescue us.  I think I have a mothering, “I’ll take care of it” persona anyway… and I’m trying to not fall into patterns of ‘taking care of everything’.  ….if that makes any sense.

Post # 12
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Ohhhhh…the PMS card makes me want to straight up punch him. He said it to me ONCE and now he knows better. Guys have mood swings just like we do! Where do they get off blamig PMS?? Ugh.

I think wearing the ring is a good thing. If you take it off when you fight, it seems to say (to me) that you aren’t willing to work it out. From what you said above, about not being sure you want a future with him, it is something to think about (the fact that you really WANT to take the ring off)…but I think taking it off as a way to make a strong “I’m angry” statement isn’t a very good idea.

I hope you guys work things out tonight. ::hugs::

Post # 13
Member
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I read the OP but not all the follow-up comments so I’m sorry if I”m repeating… but here is my take. 

 

It sounds like he made a lot of really stupid decisions in the past that he’s paying for now. Assuming they ARE in the past and he’s not continuing to make stupid financial decisions currently (which would be a whole other fight)… there is really only so much you can say. He acknowledges he did wrong, you agreed to marry him knowing that (hopefully). Yes, it SUCKS… but there really isn’t anything to be done now other than work to get his feet under him. That being said– you’re not a perfect person and I’d be frustrated too. If I were you I WOULD extend the olive branch and tell him that you understand his bad decisions are behind him and you’re proud of the progress he’s made in getting his financial house in order. Then just explain that even though you love him and you accept him with his set of flaws (and you have yours too), you get overly emotional about the “its not fair”aspect. Try to do better. Everyone has baggage, ya know?

Post # 14
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I can totally relate to you here. Fiance has some debt. It’s not alot but it’s enough. lol We are getting our Tax Refund (first time home buyers credit) soon and have decided to use all of it to pay off the debt on his credit card. @ times I get upset about it and think “god maybe I want to buy what I want with my half of the credit.” (I could buy lots of close with $4,000! lol) But in the end; I knew when I accepted his ring that he had this debt. I basically “signed on” for it when we got engaged and bought our home. I knew then that we would have to work together to get rid of it. I try and think of it in the way that We are BOTH going to benefit from his debt being paid off. Once those payments are gone we will have lots of extra money each month to save towards things we want and just to have a back up stash. To me that is more important than sticking him with it and making him feel miserable about it. (Your Fiance has proven that he feels guilty about the debt or he wouldn’t be so touchy about the subject) Even though yes it is HIS debt; we’re engaged and I’ve committed to marrying Him; His Junk & His Debt! In the long run you will benefit from his debt being gone!! Trust Me!! Hope that helps give you a different perspective!

Post # 15
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@littlebug – thanks for being on the anti-PMS card bandwagon 🙂 and for the kind thoughts.  You are right about the ring – I knew I was doing it solely out of anger, and that wasn’t right. 

@CorgiTales – you aren’t repeating at all – but, I feel like I’ve already had that conversation.  I did know about the debt pre engagement and he isn’t incurring anymore.  I have praised him to no end for making changes and efforts to make things right.  Trust me, I’m his biggest cheerleader (as it should be!)  What I thought should have been a rational conversation went south for a reason that’s beyond me.  I know neither of us is perfect, but I felt like he got upset at me for getting frustrated (and it really wasn’t even HUGE frustration!!!!) instead of understanding why I would be sad the wedding fund is kaput…. 🙁

@Lacylust – thanks for sharing your experience.  I 100% agree with you – it’s our debt now and our issue to tackle and the sooner we get over it, the sooner we can move on.  That’s the frame of mind I was coming from with him – maybe he just took out his feeling bad about bringing in so much debt to the relationship out on me – but, if that’s the case – he needs to step up – don’t you think?! 

Post # 16
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It will work out, everafter.  I actually think that it’s a good thing that you had this fight before you are married.  I think it’s important to understand each other’s resolution skills and habbits.  The fact that you didn’t take off the ring is huge in my opinion.  I think we all think to ourselves…I can’t do this during certain moments, but that’s not a bad thing because thoughts don’t equal actions.  You are commited, you guys will work this out and you’ll be a better couple for it.

Hang in there!

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