(Closed) Big fight with FI :( Don’t want to wear e-ring today

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Money & finance topics are some of the most difficult to navigate.  I can only imagine how frustrating it is to inherit someone else’s financial mistakes.  That being said, you HAVE agreed to help shoulder the responsiblity, so as annoyed as you get I can see why he finds it hurtful that you threw it back in his face.  Of course from time to time you’re going to get frustrated, but just because it IS his fault doesn’t mean it’s fair for you to keep reminding him.  It might be helpful to come here or call a close friend when you want to vent.

I personally take a LOOOONG time to switch gears when I’m upset.  If this is the biggest fight you guys have had, maybe having the next few days to cool down and put things in perspective will be beneficial.  If you’re able, trying being friendly (or at the very least polite!!) when your schedules do coincide, and maybe you guys can meet each other halfway so neither of you feels like you’re “caving”.  You don’t want to go too long without discussing, so maybe leave a note about wanting to set aside a time to chat once you’re both free.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this=(

Post # 5
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Okay, first of all…((HUGS))  I’m so sorry you’re going through this, because I know just how you feel.  We haven’t had a fight on this particular issue, but our big fights always leave me feeling the way you’re feeling right now.  That being said, I think both of you said things that would have been better left unsaid and you both are going to need some time to cool down.  My problem in that situation, and this may be your problem as well, is that I need things to be fixed NOW and Fiance needs time on his own to process before he’s ready to fix.  This usually means I have to hang in misery until he’s ready.  So maybe just give him some time?  I feel bad saying this, because I really can imagine how I’d feel if I were you right now, but maybe it’s best if you guys can’t talk about this for a few days.  But I think you need to do something in the mean time so he knows you’re not “not speaking to him.”  I like the note idea, or maybe a text, or an email, or something saying something like: I’m feeling really sad about what happened, and I really want to talk about it.  I know we’re both busy for the next couple of days, but I’m hoping we can talk on _______. Good luck, and come back if you need some support! 

Post # 6
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

We have these types of financial blow-outs too, and Fiance and I are in the same type of “upside-down car loan” situation that you are. It’s so difficult trying to merge finances and take care of debt. For example, his mom left us $10k in loan debt and it’s a constant fight about if we should save money, use it for wedding stuff, or pay down debt – and we don’t always see eye-to-eye.

I think you need to take a long, hard look at what you want for your future; and if you want your future to include him, ya’ll are going to have to reconcile. Start all statements with I feel ___ when you ____ instead of blaming him right away. I know it’s difficult, but own up to your mistakes and he will undoubtedly apologize for his, too. Maybe practice some healthy conversation disucssions and try to set mutual goals – that you can BOTH compromise about!! You are not alone in dealing with big fights, especially about finances!! Good luck!! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 7
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Me and Fiance have learned sooooo much from each other from reading ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’.  We read one chapter together every night and we look at each other like ‘are they talking about us?’, its crazy how different we are genetically and there is nothing we can do to change the other person.  We just need to know how men think, they are problem solvers and we are emotional talkers.  Once a woman attacks a man’s ego, he is very hurt by it and will go hide in his cave.  They dont want to talk things out like we do, instead they go cool off and try to problem solve.  We have learned that there are many different languages and ways to approach one another when we have a problem so it doesnt make it seem like we are ‘blaming’.  Seriously, get the book, its awesome to know before getting married

Post # 8
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My initial reaction is that I actually agree with you.  The debt is his fault.  It’s not like you’re blowing up on him daily about it.  You make one comment and he flips out on you?  You said it was his fault this time, said it once, and he needs to accept it.  You’re accepting to help him out, and he needs to be more sympathetic and grateful that you’re helping him by not blowing up the first time you make one comment, even when you agree that it’s the right thing to do…

And I wouldn’t even worry about the manhood button if he’s pulling the “are you pmsing” crap.

Post # 10
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Also I second the “I feel” statements.  But I still stick to him needing to own up to his debt and be grateful that you’re helping him out of it in the first place!!

And the fact that you are on here wanting to work it out says that you’re probably not going to make this a habit. 

Post # 12
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Ohhhhh…the PMS card makes me want to straight up punch him. He said it to me ONCE and now he knows better. Guys have mood swings just like we do! Where do they get off blamig PMS?? Ugh.

I think wearing the ring is a good thing. If you take it off when you fight, it seems to say (to me) that you aren’t willing to work it out. From what you said above, about not being sure you want a future with him, it is something to think about (the fact that you really WANT to take the ring off)…but I think taking it off as a way to make a strong “I’m angry” statement isn’t a very good idea.

I hope you guys work things out tonight. ::hugs::

Post # 13
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I read the OP but not all the follow-up comments so I’m sorry if I”m repeating… but here is my take. 

 

It sounds like he made a lot of really stupid decisions in the past that he’s paying for now. Assuming they ARE in the past and he’s not continuing to make stupid financial decisions currently (which would be a whole other fight)… there is really only so much you can say. He acknowledges he did wrong, you agreed to marry him knowing that (hopefully). Yes, it SUCKS… but there really isn’t anything to be done now other than work to get his feet under him. That being said– you’re not a perfect person and I’d be frustrated too. If I were you I WOULD extend the olive branch and tell him that you understand his bad decisions are behind him and you’re proud of the progress he’s made in getting his financial house in order. Then just explain that even though you love him and you accept him with his set of flaws (and you have yours too), you get overly emotional about the “its not fair”aspect. Try to do better. Everyone has baggage, ya know?

Post # 14
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I can totally relate to you here. Fiance has some debt. It’s not alot but it’s enough. lol We are getting our Tax Refund (first time home buyers credit) soon and have decided to use all of it to pay off the debt on his credit card. @ times I get upset about it and think “god maybe I want to buy what I want with my half of the credit.” (I could buy lots of close with $4,000! lol) But in the end; I knew when I accepted his ring that he had this debt. I basically “signed on” for it when we got engaged and bought our home. I knew then that we would have to work together to get rid of it. I try and think of it in the way that We are BOTH going to benefit from his debt being paid off. Once those payments are gone we will have lots of extra money each month to save towards things we want and just to have a back up stash. To me that is more important than sticking him with it and making him feel miserable about it. (Your Fiance has proven that he feels guilty about the debt or he wouldn’t be so touchy about the subject) Even though yes it is HIS debt; we’re engaged and I’ve committed to marrying Him; His Junk & His Debt! In the long run you will benefit from his debt being gone!! Trust Me!! Hope that helps give you a different perspective!

Post # 16
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It will work out, everafter.  I actually think that it’s a good thing that you had this fight before you are married.  I think it’s important to understand each other’s resolution skills and habbits.  The fact that you didn’t take off the ring is huge in my opinion.  I think we all think to ourselves…I can’t do this during certain moments, but that’s not a bad thing because thoughts don’t equal actions.  You are commited, you guys will work this out and you’ll be a better couple for it.

Hang in there!

The topic ‘Big fight with FI :( Don’t want to wear e-ring today’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors