(Closed) Big fight with FI last night – is this normal??

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

No, but we are also really good at fair fighting if that makes any sense. We avoid what I call ‘kitchen sink’ fighting by focusing on the issue at hand and usually things get resolved pretty fast. Maybe you were both overtired and stressed about teh wedding, I tell Darling Husband that when I’m overtired he should just duct tape my mouth shut because I am so ridiculously nasty and irrational.

Post # 4
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

With your wedding so close, I find that this is pretty normal with most couples.  A combination of wedding drama/issues, cold feet, and the anxiety caused by realizing that you going to be with this person forever is very daunting and can cause emotions and reactions that we wouldn’t necessarily normally feel. 

On the flip side, if you feel like this when issues aren’t going on…that’s another issue. 

I’m always reminded of that movie Just Married with Brittney Murphy and Ashton Kutcher (sp?); everything worked out the way it was supposed to in the end – there’s a reason you’ve been with this person for years and are getting married to them in 2 months.

Best of luck and I hope everything works out for the best!

Post # 5
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Both my fiance adn I are passionate and we get into really big and heated arguments, we scream, throw stuff and he punches stuff. Never would it actually get to physically hitting, but we are definatly loud! There are times when I’m trying to calm down and I think I can’t deal with this, but I regret it right away and think I love him so much and could never be without him.

Post # 6
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think depending on your history and experience with relationships and people, some people are just more prone to start thinking about how to get out versus how to fix it. In some cases, but certainly not all, I think it can be indicative of an underlying issue that you have with the guy or with the relationship.

I used to be like that, and I was always thinking that every little fight was going to be the end. It’s hard for me to say if it was the people I was dating or just who I was at that point, but I started to realize that it was hurting me and my relationships. It took a lot of work to stop always thinking about an out and start facing the problems that my ex and I went through and it was working before we finally ended things, which was a mature and thought our break up as opposed to a highly emotional reaction during a fight. With my husband I’m never looking for an out, and never did, although it took me 5 years to get him back, so I guess by that time I knew what I wanted.

I’d think a lot about your relationship and what you really want, but I wouldn’t necessarily worry that you are doomed to fail because you think about leaving during a fight.

Post # 7
Member
2058 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

YES those thoughts have crossed my mind, once – – – FH and I have never had a blowout fight, never! 3 months ago we had a full on blowout and I was crying and shaking and beyond pissed off that I couldn’t for the least bit grab hold of my emotions.  It didn’t help that FH was also pissed off and while he doesn’t yell he does this other thing where his attitude is always “whatever, get over your high horse” and that was making me even more angry. 

Short of the long – – I freaked when I had those thoughts. It made me question, wonder, and evaluate everything about us as individuals and as a couple. I also knew these feelings were happening because I was getting overwhelmed with all the wedding planning. Its just FH and me in Seattle planning our own wedding. And it was my cry for “I don’t know if I can do this much longer w/out any help..” 

The blowout needed to happen. It was bottled up inside and if I had to have it w/ anyone FH was the right person. To this day we talk about it and it has indeed helped our communication.  It sucked don’t get me wrong but it was necessary to have and in the moment I was scared but now looking back – I don’t know who I could ever get that mad with and then at the same time he brought me back to my reality and calmed me down. 

Post # 8
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Ritz-Carlton, Half Moon Bay

i think a LOT of couples have these kinds of fights. we regret it, but sometimes it happens when we let the stress and emotions get the better of our judgment. and i think it’s natural to have those thoughts of “should we get married?” because of a stressful fight and getting worried that the marriage is going to be that way. but it sounds from what you’re saying that this isn’t a pattern or common occurrence in your relationship (since that earlier time that you mentioned). 

nobody enjoys a fight. so in my opinion, there are going to be times where the thought of giving up will not cross your mind, and other times it will. relationships aren’t perfect.

importantly, you didn’t throw in the towel. you didn’t throw the ring at him. that was important.

Post # 9
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Ritz-Carlton, Half Moon Bay

oh, and i 100% agree with mrstilly’s last statement: I’d think a lot about your relationship and what you really want, but I wouldn’t necessarily worry that you are doomed to fail because you think about leaving during a fight.

Post # 10
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I don’t know about your particular situation, but for me, this was pretty normal. My husband and I were together for 7 years before we got married and we had a stormy first year, but after that we only fought sporadically. During our one-year engagement we did have some fights, and while I never threw the engagement ring at him (or wanted to, really), I did wonder, is this the right person for me? Am I making a mistake? Shouldn’t all of this come easily? Shouldn’t this be the happiest time in my life?

But I do think a lot of that was pre-wedding stress. Planning a wedding is stressful, and facing marriage is stressful. Our wedding, one month ago today, was really wonderful and since then (though it’s only been a month!) I haven’t had any doubts that I married the right person.

So yes I think it’s normal. Getting married is a big f-ing deal and if thoughts like that didn’t ever cross your mind you wouldn’t be human.

Post # 11
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

We don’t get into blow out arguments too often, but when we do…oh boy.  I have been guilty of these thoughts at times, mostly when I just don’t understand my husband or when he acts totally out of character.  But I have come to understand that it is natural to fight, and the types of arguments we have actually show that we care about each other, which always makes me feel a little better.  When we get REALLY heated we usually take some time to ourselves until we can re-address the issue with calmer attitudes.  That’s just how it works for us.

Post # 12
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

one of the first things my Maid/Matron of Honor said to me when i told her we were engaged (after congratualtions and all that) was “prepare to have some fights with Fiance and your mom.” it can be hard for someone to understand if they’re not going through it, but the whole wedding planning process can be a stressful and emotionally charged time. you’re trying to please a whole lot of people, you’re spending a ton of money, and depending on how much DIY stuff you are doing, you may feel like wedding planning is a whole seocnd full-time job for you. so yeah, fighting and thinking for a minute “what if i just walked away from all this stress?” is probably normal. what’s important is that you quickly realized that in the end it’s all worth it because in less than two months you’ll be married to the man you love.

Post # 13
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee

I’m going to chime in and say that my Fiance and I broke up two years ago after a few months of serious fights like the one you just described.  We had just bought our house and combined finances – He took money out of our joint savings and made an investment against my wishes with the cash I had THOUGHT he was using to buy me a ring. As it turns out, that break up was a very good thing for us.  He wasn’t ready to get married back then and I was a typical waiting girl, pushing and hinting and not having an ounce of patience (in my defense, when we bought the house it was under the condition that we would get engaged and when it didn’t happen, I felt duped.)

We got back together and worked through a lot of things.  We still have fights (ven blow outs) and the first 6 months of our engagement was a HUGE testing period for us both.  I told him on a few occasions that I wanted out and even went as far as to take my ring off and put it back in the box.  Every time, in the end he would come around and say, we were both wrong to fight but we are meant to be.  The fighting we did during our engagement showed me how solid we were, because in other times he would have yelled or walked away.  Now he is calmer and more collected – and in it for the long haul.

I think it’s common (and more common than some people let on) to fight a lot right after anything major – a large purchase, an engagement, a marriage or a baby.  Don’t get sucked into the concept that this should be the ‘happiest time of your life and if it isn’t, it must not be right.’ I firmly believe that kind of thinking is pure fairytale.

Hang in there. 🙂

Post # 14
Member
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

Yup, been there and done that (took the ring off, didn’t actually throw it at him but it got my point across.) I think for a lot of couples, this is normal, especially during the wedding planning process…

I’ve totally had those doubts about whether it was the right decision to get married or not but then when I thought about the other option (breaking up) it was impossible to comprehend.  So for me, that was always enough to get through my “cold feet” moments…

But fighting when you’re engaged is super-shitty bc there is always those doubts and fears about whether this is the right decision or not.  The good news is (at least for us) that now that we’re married, there’s no point in fights like that bc, well, we’re married and stuck with each other for life, so what’s the point in getting all fired up and hurting one another…

Obviously, every relationship is different but I don’t think I know of any engaged couple who hasn’t had at least one massive blow-out while planning their wedding…

Post # 15
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee

People’s natural response to adversity is fight or flight. Thinking you wanted out of the relationship would be the flight option. Don’t feel bad for responding naturally to the circumstance faced by you. Of course, in a committed relationship, although the urge for flight can sometimes come up, fighting is your only option.

 

Post # 16
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

OMG my and the Fiance had a huge fight this week too! Reading the details that you have about your fight, they sounds eriely similar. We fought and then air cleared, learned a little about each other (honesty can hurt).   Same thoughts went through my head about leaving.  Don’t worry.  He is your rock. You are normal.

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