Post # 1
Oh man, where to start? Fiance and I have been in a great relationship for three years. We NEVER fight, which actually has me concerned. The main thing is, I feel like he takes me for granted and just. doesn’t. care. I always initiate sex, and even then, it only happened like once a month, and it wasn’t that great. This started after we moved in together about two years ago. The first year we were long distance and the sex was great, although I would always initiate it and sometimes get upset that he wouldn’t, even though we were so far apart and rarely saw each other (like once a month or once every two months). I’d get upset that he wouldn’t show an interest in it unless I initiated it, even then. Sigh. So, bringing us up to the present, I decided to just give up initiating it, sort of as a test, to see if HE would. Well hive, it’s been THREE months, and NOTHING. Not a makeout session, nothing. Just pecks on the cheek or lips and those don’t even happen every day. I’ve been crying a lot about this and just not feeling loved. I feel like he does love me, but maybe he’s not capable of the kind of love I want: the deep, passionate kind of love. I feel so, so stupid for being blind to this and just believing that it would get better. He’s so great on every other level, he shows affection by cooking for me, and he’s so understanding–a great person to talk to, and he’s so funny and makes me laugh. I just feel like we’re buddies more than lovers. I’ve been OK with it until now, believing it would always get better, but it hasn’t and so now I’m really starting to question our relationship. I’ve talked with him numerous, numerous times about how I feel and about these problems, and he’s admitted it is a problem and it’s not right, but he doesn’t freaking DO anything about it, as proven by the last three months where I decided to just give up. I’m seriously thinking of postponing the wedding or just cancelling it, because I don’t want to be married to somebody who doesn’t desire me or show me physical affection. He also doesn’t do things like take me on dates, get me flowers, or do anything for my birthday. It’s like he just doesn’t care! Ugh! I don’t know what to do. Should I ask him to go to counseling with me so we can try to work this out? Is this something anybody else has experienced? I’m just so sad these days, well, these past few months. 🙁
Post # 3
Oh I am sooo sorry your going through this! It can be veryyy difficult and hard to understand. My ex and I had the same problem (not why were ex’s). Come to find out he had some health issues. You said you have talked about it before and he agrees its a problem-maybe he’s embarrassed to go to doctor and talk with him. I would suggest another conversation and possibly suggesting him seeing dr.
Again, I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope the two of you can talk things over and work through this problem.
Post # 4
*hugs* If you’ve told him repeatedly how you feel and he’s still not responding, I think you need to literally make a list of what you want and how often you want it and give it to him. I honestly don’t know what else to tell you other than that. It’s hard, and I understand it, but I’m not sure what else to tell you. Maybe you need to start thinking about counseling or moving on. If your needs aren’t being met, they’re not being met and that’s not really okay.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Big hive (HUGS) to you.
I think you should consider counseling as this does have the potential to become a serious problem in your marriage. If the physical stuff is so important to you and not so much to him, it could cause resentment in the long run if you keep ignoring this disconnect between the two of you.
That said, have you considered the fact that some people just aren’t touchy-feely types? They show how much they love you by the things they do for you, such as cooking, cleaning, taking care of other things. It sounds to me like this may be the case with you and your Fiance. You speak two different love languages. There’s nothing wrong with that necessarily, but you find a way to meet each other in the middle so that both of you are not only giving what you need but getting it as well.
Post # 6
I really like the idea of counseling I think that it is a better option than canceling the wedding at this point! You love him and everything else is great in the relationship and so I am hoping through therapy this is something you guys can work out!
Post # 7
Hmmmm… that’s a tough one. Have you ever brought it up to him? For me, this is something I’d want to address before the wedding since you’re not magically not going to stop being upset about it unless he changes. But I would address the problem to him very soon, communication is so important in any marriage so hopefully you feel comfortable talking to your Fiance about something that is regularly making you cry.
Post # 8
Counseling sounds good if he agrees-maybe it can help some..I agree with chianti about not everyone is touchy-feely. You guys should read The Five Love Languages-this is just his main page-you can buy the book much cheaper on amazon.
Post # 9
Don’t get married until you have resolved this. You need to have him see a dcotor to rule out a physical problem and then talk to a therapist if that’s not the case. He may love you very much, but he probably isn’t going to change unless the situation is addressed. If this is just the way he is you will have to decide if this is something you can live with. It may be that you can’t. But make sure to take your time and think things through.
Post # 10
Do you think he’s suffering from depression? When you bring it up to him, what does he say? There are many physical problems that could be the cause of his low sex drive, so he should definitely see a doctor about it. Or, if it’s not physical, is there anything in his past that could be causing him to be so cold/withdrawn?
It would be difficult for me to be married to a man who didn’t ever show affection, and never made any romantic gestures or initiated intimacy. I really feel for you– this must be really rough. Please don’t settle for getting married to just a “buddy”– you deserve a lot more than that. Is he open to getting checked out?
Post # 11
I agree with the others that you need to get this solved before getting married. I think you two should go into counseling in order to see if things can be resolved. I understand him not cuddling and things like that but it seems sort of strange that a guy doesn’t seem interested in sex. I do wonder if he has some kind of medical problem that he is ashamed to talk about with you.
Post # 12
Sex is obviously very important to any relationship and especially a marriage. Hearing your story, it doesn’t seem like you guys are going through a ‘down’ time with sex, it has been happening almost the entire relationship.
I think you should go to counceling and be prepared to postpone the wedding date. You need to figure out exactly what the issue is. I mean – your fiance obviously enjoys sex with you, but never initiates it so maybe he’s just not a sexual person. In that case, you could potentially meet halfway. But it could be something else, something worse that maybe would lead you to decide you shouldn’t get married. If you need ‘passion’ and that’s not something he’s ever willing/able to give you, I would strongly advise you to cancel the wedding, at least for now.
Good luck, keep us updated and PM me if you want to talk.
Post # 13
Hugs to you.
I would suggest the book “The Five Love Languages”, by Dr. Gary Chapman. I found this book very helpful in many relationships. (this is a Christian Author, and whether or not you are a Christian, I think it is a good read and has a lot of information any one can benefit from.)
It discusses how people show love and receive love in many different ways. I found it to be very helpful. I work with kids and found it helps relate to the parents of my students, the students themselves, and my family as well.
Many hugs and luck to you!
Post # 14
I’ll second the ladies that suggested you BOTH read The Five Love Languages. You both need to know how each other give and receive love the best.. it could be very enlightening to you both.
I also highly recommend doing Pre-Marriage counseling. It will get you both talking and it might be helpful to have a 3rd party to facilitate.
Post # 15
I’m jumping on the counseling wagon. It may be medical , it may be stress , but I think talking about your feeling with a neutral setting may help.
I’m in am almost reversed situation. Because of the medication I take my sex drive is well into the negative. Darling Husband and I are working through it but I’m very sensitive about it with him. It’s hard to admit that sex feel a lot like work (not that I don;t like it but it takes a while to get started).
Post # 16
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I would definitely talk to him about going to counseling – it’s something that you guys need to get resolved, because it’s not okay for you to be feeling like you’re not desired!