(Closed) Big question – need help. 2 weddings?

posted 6 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
31 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am a devout Christian and I do not feel that you need to go and get married solely because you and your fiance are having sex.  As long as you are both “equally yolked” as the Bible says and both believe that Christ is your Savior then you are good to go.  You are engaged to get married and as long as you are faithful to your partner and believe in Christ and in God then you should be fine.  

If you feel that you need to do it, then go for it! But I don’t think God expects that of you.  Times have changed, but if you are still not sure about it there is always one thing you can do, PRAY ABOUT IT! 

Hope it all works out! <3

Post # 4
3697 posts
Sugar bee

This is something that really needs to be decided between yourself and your fiance. You should listen to your conscience, which is telling you that there are still a few details which need to be set right.

Maybe as part of your marriage preparation you could think about making the sacrifice of setting aside your sexual relationship for a few months, as a way of acknowledging to God that you want to do things according to His will and not your own? I know that probably doesn’t sound very appealing on the surface, but it can help you to draw closer to one another in other ways and engender a deeper respect for the other person and for the institution of marriage.

Post # 6
2711 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think getting married before your church ceremony just so you can keep having sex is the correct course of action.  I would talk to your pastor and see what he or she has to say.  Some might ask you to abstain, but others might say it’s fine.  I personally think that as long as you are in a comitted relationship then having sex is ok even if you’re not married.  My Catholic priest suggested we abstain, but isn’t going to check up on us and wouldn’t refuse to marry us if we chose not to abstain.

Also if you do decide to get married earlier, tell people.  If you don’t, you’re lying – either right to someone’s face if they ask or by omission if you just let people think you aren’t married.  How is lying to your family and friends any better than having sex before marriage?  And what about your pastors that you take to the courthouse with you?  They already know you’re married and I doubt they would preform another marriage ceremony months later as a show.

ETA:  Just saw your update.  A fear of failing isn’t a good reason not to try something.  Abstaining would be very hard, and you might slip up a few times.  But that’s ok.  If it’s something you both want to do you’ll have to keep at it.

Post # 7
3697 posts
Sugar bee

@tracyalexa:  That’s understandable, and a perfectly natural reaction to the idea.

Try to think of it this way, though: God knows that we’re human. He understands and accepts failure – He knows that it’s an unavoidable part of our fallen human nature. He appreciates our efforts, though, to keep trying to live the lives we’re called to live in spite of our repeated failures. You know what it is to be a parent, since you mentioned that you have a 6-year-old. You know your child better than anyone, you understand his/her faults and struggles and failures, and you love and appreciate his/her efforts to be good and obey you and do everything the way you ask, even though I’m sure the reality often falls far short of perfection.

Your post reminded me of a beautiful quote from Thomas Merton’s Thoughts In Solitude:

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Post # 8
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with PPs that only you and your Fiance know your situation and have to decide what to do. I will say, though, that while Darling Husband and I didn’t have sex before the wedding, we did do other “extracurriculars” in our relationship, but for a period of time before the wedding, we totally stopped. We were both extremely apprehensive about if we could do it and what would happen. That turned out to be one of the best decisions we’d ever made. That period we grew so much, and we regret not doing it sooner.

That’s just my experience and may not be what’s right for you, and I don’t mean to frustrate you with my answer, but encourage you that it can be done and that it for us, it made things better.

Post # 9
3266 posts
Sugar bee

Isn’t part of being a devout Christian not lying?

I don’t see how getting married so you can keep doing it guilt free and then lying to everyone about it is going to solve the problem.


Post # 11
220 posts
Helper bee

I understand where you are coming from but I don’t think your plan is a viable option.  Part of marriage is being publically known as a married couple- and deceit is not a good foot to start your marriage off on.  You either need to move up the wedding (maybe have a small family ceremony now and a big reception on your original date) or you need to decide to wait until the wedding if you stick with the original plan.  My fiance and I have been waiting over 5 years and still have another one to go- I promise abstinence won’t kill you, and the self-discipline is good for you spiritually.

I know this isn’t exactly what you’ve envisioned and you’re worried about what other people would think, but part of being a Christian is making sacrifices and not being afraid to do things the world doesn’t understand. 

I would definitely talk to your pastor about this, and also pray- but remember that it is easy to delude yourself into thinking you are getting an answer from God when really your subconscious mind is just confirming what you wanted to hear. 

Post # 12
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

First of all, I want to applaud you for grappling with this issue, and for trying to do the right thing. I think the fact that you recognize that you are ‘living in sin’ intentionally and that it bothers you is a step in the right direction. God judges the heart- so keep in mind, even if someone tells you they think something is OK and not a sin, if YOU still believe it’s a sin and do it anyway, you’re rebelling against God in your heart.

I think that on some level you do believe that what you’re doing is a sin, or you wouldn’t be struggling with this issue in your conscience. This means that something needs to change.

“I was wondering if as Christians anyone can see our point of view?  We have lived this way and been “Sunday only” Christians who went to church but pretty much lived every other part of our lives doing whatever we wanted, however we wanted without much regard to what the Bible said.  We want to stop that and start making the right moves.”


It seems to me like you are STILL kind of wanting to do things on your terms. You don’t want to try to abstain, even though deep down you think that it might be the right thing to do, so instead you either plan to just have a secret wedding so that you don’t have to abstain, or you plan to ignore your conscience so that you don’t have to abstain. Either way, you are getting what YOU want- it’s still about YOU.

Going to the courthouse and getting married in secret is not in the right spirit of marriage. Marriage is a public commitment between the couple, God, and their community.

Now, if you felt that you could not possibly abstain, I think the right thing to do would be to have your wedding at the courthouse, but PUBLICLY. You really don’t want to start your marriage around secrecy and deceit- that is just as much a sin as having sexual relations before marriage.

I completely understand how difficult it is to abstain, but it can be done. Even if you mess up a few times, as PP pointed out, God forgives and he is interested in the intentions of your heart. If you insist on doing things YOUR way instead of HIS way, that doesn’t honor him. It’s better to do the best that you can with a humble and apologetic heart, even if it means screwing up a few times, than to continue to do what YOU want to do in defiance with a rebellious heart.

Whatever you decide to do, I really do pray the best for the three of you as a family. In addition to the advice that you’re going to get here, I recommend that you and your Fiance both pray for clarity and guidance, and that God will reveal to you what HIS will is; not your own. <3

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