Post # 1
I know nobody’s life revolves around anyone’s wedding or shower or whatever. I completely get that but since when is it okay to dip out on you responsibilities and blow off your cousin who you were raised with for a high school sports game that you aren’t even playing in???
My 18 year old cousin, yes I know she is young but this is also a problem with my aunt who does nothing to hold her daughter accountable. Back in July I set the date for my sister’s bridal shower and bachlorrette party. Everyone was made aware of date, time, and cost (which is very reasonable) and was told if they had a problem with any of it they would just need to contact me and we would work it out. Everyone, including my cousin, said yes to everything, no problem. So we booked the bridal shower, bach. party and spa day for everyone. I checked in monthly to make sure everyone was still good with the date and cost so I could make plans if they were no longer able to hold up their share. Then 3 weeks ago I check again because at that point nothing could be cancelled without huge fees. Cousin still good.
Last week I go shopping for everything without money from anyone but with promises they would bring it on Saturday to the shower. Then on Sunday my cousin texts me, “What is going on on Saturday, I have to cancel my spa and I’m not sure I’ll be able to give you money this week because I had to buy a dress for homecoming.” I later find out the dress was $400 almost $250 more than what I needed for the whole weekend. I tell her AGAIN the plan for the weekend and that she can’t cancel the Spa day for varies reasons, most of which we pulled a lot of strings to get a good deal for the spa and it would look really bad for one bridesmaid at her job. She texts back a few hours later saying she figured it out.
Well tonight I find out her mom tried to call to cancel the spa day behind my back. They wouldn’t let her because she didn’t book it and there was a 75% cancelation fee. So the other bridesmaid had to call the spa and apologize which was so embarrasing for her. Next I find out cousin is leaving the bridal shower 15 minutes after it starts to go to her boyfriend’s football game and she’ll be a few hours late to the Bach. party that night! And her mom is letting her do all this! If I tried to pull have that crap my mom would’ve killed me.
Once again I get that her life does not revolve around my sister and her shower but since when is it ok to let kids drop all their responsibilities for a dress and football game? I know she is young but seriously I know I was not this self-centered and rude when I was kid. We worked so hard to make sure she felt included this weekend and she has just made it all worthless.
I’m getting married this summer and was going to try to include her in my bach. party but at this point I’m taking off to Vegas with my girls (who have all been trying to convince me Vegas is the way to go) and if anyone has a problem with my poor cousin being exculded I will remind them of how she blew my sister off.
Ugh this whole situation sucks, if you all are going to tell me her life doesn’t revolve around my sister and she is young, go ahead! Trust me I already know but that doesn’t make what she is doing any less shity.
Thanks for the vent Ladies!
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Normally I’d say that her life doesn’t revolve around this one day, but the fact that you’ve been checking in regularly and she’d been OK with it all until the last minute makes it seriously inconsiderate.
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard
If it makes you feel better, my sister is blowing off my wedding for her sons football game. Yeah.. My own sister. I’m pissed. A cousin missing a spa day, I would not be upset over. It sucks, figure a way around it if needed, move on.
Post # 4
MrsTtoB: I’m sorry about your sister. But I’m out over $100 if she doesn’t show, that may not be a lot to some people but for me it’s 2 weeks of gas when I’m already squizing by.
Post # 5
alyssaC: I wouldn’t sweat her missing it but I would make it clear to her that since it is past the spas cancellation date that she still owes the $100 for her spa day whether she comes or not.
Is there anyone else that might be able to come and take her place? Even if they pay 50%?
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2013 - Garden
alyssaC: It sucks but I think it’s pretty common for people who organise events like this to have to wear the costs. It seems to happen pretty frequently that someone flakes out. Not saying I think it’s okay, it’s just that weddings in particular definitely highlight just how inconsiderate some people can be.
If you think it won’t cause too much drama, you could try letting the cousin and aunt know that you expect the money back seeing as the cousin was fully aware of the commitment she made.
Post # 7
j_jaye: I’ve already asked 3 people and it’s too short of notice, they all say if I called last week they could have gone. This wouldn’t be a big deal if she had been 3 or 4 days earlier telling me all this but now I’m stuck. I know I’ll probably get the money because her mom or grandma will most likely bail her out again. I know it’ll all work out in the end and my sister will still have a great weekend but I just hate that she always pulls this stuff.
For some reason I thought it would be different for something like this but I guess not. Now at least I know what we can expect from her in the future when it comes to wedding stuff. Like I said for my bach. party I’m heading to Vegas and I don’t care if she’s mad for being left out or not. All this is kind of my fault because I keep expecting her to not act like the world revolves around her and she continues to act self centered. I’ve learned my lesson time and again and now I’m really done with expecting anything from her.
Post # 8
alyssaC: I understand where you’re coming from. It’s not the fact that she isn’t going, but because she’s flaking last minute when she confirmed she’d be going all along. I would be really PISSED – I hate it when people bail last minute and would never do that to anyone (unless I was in the ER or something). Anyway, I agree with PP – it’s worth a try to see if anyone else would like to go in her place so you’re not out the $100.
And yes, Vegas is aweomse! Have fun!!
Post # 9
alyssaC: Just accept that that is her personality. Unfortunately it is rare for people to change their personality for someone elses life events especially if they are self centred. In future don’t count on her until she pays upfront.
Post # 10
Ugh that sucks. I hate flakiness. Agree with PPs. Make it very clear that she is responsible for the money for her place whether she is coming or not.
Post # 11
Pickle7: I think it’s less about the “wedding” aspect and more about being flaky. It’s rude to say your going to something and then cancel last minute for no good reason, especially if there was a prepayment involved. If I were you, I would make her pay the cancellation fee if you can’t find a replacement. It’s the least that she can do since she flaked out last minute.
Post # 12
Pickle7: Shes 18, so of course she doesnt really care about the spa day and her whole life its the HS drama so of course she has to go see her Boyfriend or Best Friend play football 😛
I would explain to her ( and her mom) that you would really like her there but if she can’t make it they are responsible for the cancellation fees because you did give them PLENTY of time to back out
IF they agree to pay you the cost, just drop it and let it go. And as you said now you know what to expect for next time.
Post # 13
Pickle7: I’d tell her mother that you’re expecting the $100 right now because if her daughter is going to be a little flake then she’s going to pay her share… its only fair! There’s no point in talking to her about it because she’ll just shrug and go off to the football game.
I hate the “she’s 18” excuse… OMG she’s an legal adult and obviously quite immature but still an adult! I’d let her take off to the game (after ensuring you’ll be paid back of course) and then go on with the rest of your weekend without her. You know that she’ll be on her phone the entire time anyways and probably cry at one point during the night for whatever reason – probably because everyone isn’t paying attention to her. Sorry, but she seems like this type of girl.
I’d do your plan of Vegas and leave her out of it. When she whines to her mom and then her mom whines to you, calmly and sarcastically remind her of her ‘obilgation’ to this wedding and how she didn’t fulfill it so why would your girls go through the planning of something like this again knowing she’d do it again?
I’ve been in the bridal party where there was minor and OMFG – the planning of the bachelorette party was a pain in the ass because the minor (14 years old at the time) couldn’t do anything!!! And instead of planning a day plus night type of deal where the minor would participate during the day then go home at night so the adults could go out, the bride kept vetoing those ideas so the bride literally ended up getting a kids day at the go-carting park then whined that she didn’t get drunk at her bachelorette party… I threw up my hands at that point!
Post # 14
it’s definitely rude of her to back out this late in the game, and i think it’s absolutely justified of you to tell her (or her mom) that you still need the $100 for her backing out. however i think it’s also a good time to realize that as one of the hosts, there’s always the chance you’ll have to eat some of the cost. it happens, rude or not, and it is part of being a host.
i will say though, in your cousin’s “defense,” that while she is technically an adult i would cut her a little slack and here’s why:
-she’s 18 and in high school. presumably, this is her senior year. it is a big deal to you that she’s cancelling, but senior year homecoming with a quarterback boyfriend is a big deal to her. even if her delivery of the cancellation was rude, try to remember that for her this is her last homecoming, her last football game, etc. as an adult we probably don’t care about our senior homecomings anymore, but to her, these are big moments with friends that she’s probably way closer to than her cousin and cousin’s friends (who are also probably all way older than she is).
-it’s entirely possible that she agreed to everything before realizing the dates were the same/a conflict; her being good with all of it could have been genuine up until she realized the scheduling issue. at that point isn’t it possible that she just didn’t know how to back out gracefully? i mean she’s 18 but age isn’t automatically a qualifier for maturity you know.
-her mom trying to cancel behind your back is uncalled for; that one isn’t okay and i totally understand why that would piss you off.
i don’t necessarilly think her mom should be punishing her; my parents wouldn’t have punished me for this. like i’m sorry i wouldn’t have been grounded or whatever for backing out of my cousin’s spa day. i would have been told that it’s my decision to make, but that i need to understand the consequences if i do back out (i.e., that i was being rude and would still need to pay the $100, which i’m sure i’d have to come up with on my own).
Post # 15
She’s 18 so of course she is flaky and more interested in her boyfriend’s activities than hanging around with her cousin. That describes probably 90% of 18-year-old girls out there in the world. Tell her you’ll miss her company and remind her that since she waited till after the cut-off, she’s stuck paying the deposit, and just keep a mental note to not make plans involving money with people who are generally flaky in the future.