Post # 1
I recently posted on another site and got such rude, hateful, horrible comments I’m literally in tears right now. So if anyone has a snarky response then please don’t bother responding. If you want to give me a hard time please send me a message instead.
Let me explain the situation first. A few months ago my husband and I had a very brief civil ceremony. It only included the JOP and the two of us. There was some drama on his side of the family, others were out of state and a few others were taking care of his cousin who was recently in a terrible car accident. I’m not originally from this area so it was IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to travel 1,000 miles. I guess you could say we got a little impatient and really wanted to get married. I fully understand that the civil ceremony WAS our wedding and I’m not saying in ANY SINGLE WAY that a civil ceremony isn’t. We had made plans (previous to getting married) to have a larger wedding but as I said, we got a little impatient.
We decided to have another ceremony next year. I’ve read a few different things that say it’s perfectly okay to have a “second” wedding and other say that this would simply be a vow renewal so there is no point in a bridal party, nice dress, etc. So as of right now I don’t know if I should call it a “second wedding” or “vow renewal.” The responses I received on the other site said it was a ridiculous idea, I’m incredibly rude for wanting something more than a civil ceremony, I need to give up the idea of a wedding because it’s just a vow renewal, people are just gonna talk about us and things of that nature. We had no intentions of registering or having any bachelor/bachelorette party.
The bottom line is this: We want EVERYONE to be included and EVERYONE to celebrate with us. We are paying for a great portion of this so everyone can come and have a good time. Even though everyone knows we’re married I really don’t see the harm in having bridesmaids, a cake, music and so on. My dad did the same thing when I was younger and nobody had any problems with it (just with his wife lol).
I dunno, I’m so confused. It almost feels like everyone is saying, “If you would have waited then you could have had something more spectacular. But since you didn’t you aren’t allowed to have the dress, cake or anything else that every girl dreams of from early on. You only get this, this and this. If you do it your way you’ll just look like a lying fool and you’ll be nothing but a joke!” I thought this would be better for everyone since they can play a bigger part, it can be more religious, we can write our vows and will have so much more to include in them, my dad can walk me down the aisle (I’m his only daughter and his only child) and it would mean so much to my mom (I’m the “baby” and my older sister died when she was very young).
I hope this makes sense. Thank you everyone 🙂
Post # 3
Have a wedding honey. Don’t worry about what other people think, honestly because no one is in your shoes or feels what you feel. Call it a wedding reception. In my culture/religion sometimes people have the civil/religious ceremony and wait a year or two and then have the actual wedding because sometimes the timing/money issue doesn’t allow them to get married right away with the big wedding but they are at least able to enjoy being together and being husband and wife. If your heart is wanting to have the party the white dress and the cake go for it and forget the snarky comments :).
Post # 4
I don’t think it’s rude at all!! Personally, I know lots of people who decided to have a civil ceremony first, then big wedding later. Lots of people also renew their vows every year. There’s no limit on what you “get” or “deserve” in the wedding world, because it’s about celebrating your love, not material things.
I think, given the circumstances in your family and your sister, that you have every right to plan a nice ceremony. If people want to think badly of you for whatever reason, then they can do so, but that shouldn’t stop you from doing what you want to do personally or what’s right for you, your DH, and your family.
Post # 5
I’d just call it the “Official Wedding Ceremony.” If you’re really concerned I guess you could call it a “vow renewal.” Maybe talk with your family and see how they feel about it? My friends and family won’t care because we’ve been together longer than most married couples and I could care less how people I don’t know feel about me having a JOP and actual big wedding. People also rarely sign the marriage certificate and have the ceremony on the same date. There are people who can’t get married because of their gender in certain states. There are people who have common law marriages recognized in other states also just for meeting certain criteria.
Personally, I’m not a stick-in-the-mud and could care less about all the ettiquette involved with stuffy weddings. Don’t take what close-minded people say seriously. They’re usually just prejudice against anything that’s different. That’s the reason I took a step away from the wedding scene for a while. I just didn’t want to deal with those downers while planning something happy.
A lot of people might call bees enablers and other names but a lot of ladies (and gentlemen) here will give you the support with whatever you think is right for you. Everyone is different so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Post # 6
This is exactly what we’re doing and what a HUGE number of miltary couples do. Let me ask you, did the other site you posted on have military brides? Cause if so I’m shocked at the response. Both of our families totally understand why we are having a little civil ceremony this May and a big wedding next May. We are not asking for 2 parties, 2 set of gifts, we’re not registering either etc. It is just because it is so much easier to PCS when married, and Fiance could be deployed at anytime. If people don’t understand that, then they’re not worth your time. Have a wedding, don’t feel bad about it. Military families have a totally different set of circumstances that should not have to be justified to anyone!
Post # 7
Never go to that other site again, if they are going to be so judgemental!!! We are doing about the same thing, sometimes life isn’t perfect and it throws you curveballs, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t follow your dream!! Everyone deserves the wedding they want :3 And I think its great that you want to celebrate the wedding and give that experience to the people who couldn’t be there the first time!
Post # 8
@Steampunk Angel: I couldn’t agree more! stay away from that site it sounds toxic.
I know plenty of military families who do exactly what you are discribing. We got married recently just us and a few close friends at the court house and we are going to have a larger wedding in the summer with all of our friends and family I see nothing wrong with it. I personally am being very careful to word the invitations in a way to let people know that we have allready been married but are doing this so that our friends and family can join in becuase we want thier blessing and support. Most of my family has been completely understanding but I would be sure to talk to them about it first. Even some of my very traditional older aunts and grandmothers seemed to understand, which was suprising.
Do whatever makes you happy and surround yourself with people that love you. That is what a wedding is supposed to be all about afterall.
Post # 9
I know so many, if not ALL married military couples that do this. So many of them have a civil ceremony first and then after, have a decked out wedding! I’d say do it! Have everyone you want there, have everything you there! ENJOY yourself and forget everyone else and the other insensitive site
Post # 10
@Mocha_Latte: Many do, but a lot don’t. Please don’t suggest that this is something everyone in the military does.
Nothing wrong with the OP’s plan though, as long as everyone calls it what it is and is aware that they’re actually married at the vow renewal.
Post # 11
@thursdayschild: I am having a civil ceremony and a year later a big wedding. I am not putting “vow renewal” on my invites. Those who need to know we’re already married will already know, but everything about the church wedding will appear just as any other church wedding would.
Post # 12
@AirForceWife78: See, to me that’s a lie by omission. Your wedding was the day you were married. No one said your vow renewal it can’t look exactly like a big traditional wedding. I just don’t like the idea of deceit surrounding such a happy event I guess. If you’re ok with lying to your guests that’s your prerogative. To each their own.
Post # 13
If you want to have a big wedding after a civil ceremony go for it! It’s inevitable that someone will have a sour reaction-there’s just no avoiding that. But I would be honest with your guests about it becuase I could see how some people could feel deceived. “Vow renewal” would probably be the most appropraite term. IMO I personally don’t care what people choose to do with their wedding. I’m eloping so I have little room to judge anyone’s choice!
Post # 14
I think what most people have trouble with is when someone gets married, then doesn’t tell anyone about it, then gets “married” again with all the bells & whistles but lies to everyone.
I think if you’re going to have a recommitment ceremony, or vow renewal, or marriage blessing, that’s completely ok. As long as your families are aware (whatever your reasons, they are good enough to have warranted getting married-I’m sure they would understand) and you aren’t intentionally misleading, then you can have your day & celebrate with everyone you love.
Post # 15
@ntyre: Stay away from that other site and stick to Weddingbee 😀 LOL. I think we are friendlier over here!
I really think you should have your wedding the way you want to, and not pay attention to what everybody else thinks of how you guys made this choice!
As one pp said, you can put an “Official Wedding Invitation” on the invites or some of that sorts.
Have that spectacular, special day and have it your way 😀 After all, alot of people are doing it this way and we are one of them! So don’t mind all those haters.
Hope you will find some relief in the responses here instead of that other site!
Post # 16
@thursdayschild: There isn’t going to be “deceit”. Sheesh. I’m not hiding it, I’m sure word will travel around FI’s huge family when we marry this May, but I’m not going to put “vow renewal” on my invites. I’m not asking for gifts since we’re not having a registry, I don’t want a shower, I don’t want a B-party, soooooo what’s the big deal?