Post # 1
I need to vent a little and get some advice. The biggest fight my fiancé and I are having about the wedding is about including his sister as a bridesmaid. I’ll try and make a long story short.
Over the course of almost 3 years my fiance’s sister has not reached out to try to be friends or get to know each other whatsoever. As a gesture of goodwill and in an effort to get to know her and her husband we played on a volleyball league for a season. She did not put any effort into getting to know me during our weekly games and she had absolutely horrible sportsmanship to the point of embarrassment. By the end of the season my fiancé was even miffed because most nights she was sitting with another team that she subbed for. Well then we find out that she was cheating on her husband with another married man. She files for divorce and gets pissed because the family talked to her husband about what was going on. She claims “it muddied the water” and that we were on his side so she stops returning my fiancé’s calls and basically shuts most everyone out of her life. She gets divorced officially this last year and she is now talking to my fiancé again (not sure when it started again). She also says now she wants to get to know me and put an effort in. We have not gotten along at all and she has been flat our b*tchy to me. I am totally open to giving people a second chance but it takes me awhile to warm up and trust people normally, so after the last couple of years it will take a while to build that relationship and I certainly don’t know if we will be on great terms by September 2015.
Well this whole time we have been engaged (January 2013 til now) he has wanted her in the wedding party. He says “I thought that’s just what you do” and “I’ve always pictured her being in my wedding”. When it gets really heated he says that “no one is good enough for me” of the people that he wants.
- I want to have people that love and support our marriage. As our pre-marital counselor said “friends of the marriage”. She has not been one of those people (so far).
- I do not want someone who could not honor or fight for her own marriage to stand up and “witness” our nuptials.
Right now we have my much older (almost 20 years) sister as MOH and his brother as BM. I thought about having my niece/god daughter and other niece plus my nephew as a GM. But then I have 4 and he only gets 2. Plus I’m including family but not his. Note: I have 2 brothers who are also not standing up. I have no close girl friends that I want in the bridal party as many of my friends are either not that close to begin with or people that have drifted away. My best friend is a guy and I’m not having him stand up. To me standing up in a wedding is an honor and should be meaningful. I also don’t want what happened to my (ex)friend happen to me. We weren’t even talking by the time I stood up in her wedding and haven’t talked since!
My sister said I should just have her be in it and be done with it (she had to have all her husband’s sisters. My best friend and my mother say heck no. I’m so torn because I don’t want to hurt my fiance’s feelings but where his sister and I am are at right now relationship wise it will just put more stress on me and make me uncomfortable to include her. Am I being selfish and need to just compromise and suck it up?
Post # 2
Honestly, I’d just bite the bullet and have her be a bridesmaid because it seems important to your man just because she is his sister. Hopefully she genuinely meant it when she said that she wants to put forth effort to build a relationship with you. I say suck it up and give her the benefit.
Post # 3
That’s a tough situation, because on one hand, she is his sister and she is important to him; but on the other hand, do you really want negativity and rudeness helping to plan your shower and bachelorette party?
Have an honest talk with your fiance and see if he really thinks that she would put in an effort to be pleasant and helpful, and if he doesn’t, then it’s settled! If he does, tell him your concerns and see what he thinks. I do understand where he’s coming from, and that family is family.
Also, don’t be too worried about BM and GM numbers not matching. My wedding party will have 1 MOH, 4 BMs, 1 Best Man, and 2 GMs; best man and moh are walking together and each gm will have 2 bms.
Post # 4
I agree with mrsknatz: I know she’s not your favorite person, but choose your battles here. If it’s important to him, just suck it up and have her as a bridesmaid. If she really puts forth an effort- great! If not- it’s only one day, and you’ll be so happy and distracted at your wedding that you can easily ignore her.
Post # 5
elusive23: What about if she did a reading in your wedding? There are sooo many women here that are very sorry that they have chosen someone as a BM that they have been close to, never mind one that you aren’t close to -and may never be. She sounds like she could be difficult. Perhaps your FI might like the idea of his sister to be given a more “unique” role at your wedding. Not everyone gets to read a passage, but “anyone” can be a BM. 😉
Post # 6
can you compromise and have your guy friend on as a groomsman and her as a BM?
Post # 7
- Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base
Is it really that hard to let him have a say in his wedding also? I completely agree with why you don’t want her. However, I feel he should have a say too.
Post # 8
If your brothers don’t object (guys generally aren’t) have your best guy friend on your side. So you’ll have you moh sister snd your bf. And your FI can have his bestman and sister standing on his side. Walking down the aisle will be even. And youll have who you want and he will have who he wants….
Post # 9
I really like my SIL and was thrilled to have her be my MOH. But if you don’t care for yours, I don’t understand why she can’t stand up on his side…there is no law saying she has to stand on your side just because she’s a woman. I recently attended a wedding where both of the groom’s attendants were female, because his closest friends are women.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
Can she stand on his side at least?
Post # 11
Why can’t your FI choose one of the ladies that stand up on the bride’s side? You said you’d thought about having your nephew be a GM. If you can choose a GM, then he can choose a BM.
If it’s important to him, let his sister be in the wedding.
Post # 12
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
If he wants her there, he can have her stand up for him, not you. That way you both get what you want.
Post # 13
So you want your nephew as a groomsman but are fighting with your fiancé about letting him have his sister? Just ask the sister to be a bridesmaid. Vague bitchiness isn’t a good enough reason to exclude her if her brother wants her there.
Post # 14
If your nephew can be a groomsman, then your SIL can also be a bridesmaid. I completely understand not liking your SIL. However, this is also your fiance’s wedding and it seems like not having his sister as a bridesmaid would hurt him deeply. I don’t think it is worth the potential damage to your relationship.
Cheating is certainly dishonoring a marriage but you cannot say for sure that your SIL did not fight for her marriage. Only she and her ex husband truly know the whole story, so it is not your place to judge your SIL. Is a happy marriage a requirement to be a bridesmaid?
I have an aunt who likes to sleep with other women’s husbands. Her last child was with a married man and she carried on an affair with another married man for years; he ended up leaving his long marriage for her. Not wanting to have her at my wedding had nothing to do with her relationship status. It was her very negative attitude towards marriage and wives. She was also very happy when I was having problems with my husband while we were dating and I didn’t want anyone who didn’t wish me well attending our wedding.
Post # 15
Have her stand on his side.