Post # 16
Why can’t she stand on his side? Personally I wouldn’t have someone I’m not close with, or like for that matter stand as a (brides)maid for me. Yes its his wedding too, but there are no rules that say if you groom has sisters you must include them in your bridal party. I think he should either include her on his side, or find some other way to include her in the wedding.
Post # 17
Thanks for all your responses!
To answer a few questions/statements:
-Right now we only have a Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man. We might stick with that to avoid fighting about my niece, best friend, his friends and his sister.
-He has been involved in the wedding planning process and has already picked out quite a few things. Since it is OUR wedding after all.
-I’m not on the whole groomsmen are his choice and bridesmaids are my choice bandwagon. Maybe it is because I have more guy friends than girl.
-I tried to compromise with him and say we could have who we wanted stand on our own sides but he said it contradicts the “pick a seat not a side” sign we probably will have at the ceremony. The reason we were going to have a sign is because of how small the church is. Basically there is not a way to do the proper bride/groom sides.
-The bridal party isn’t walking down the aisle together because the aisle is too small.
-I understand family is family but if that is the case then why aren’t we having my 2 brothers in the wedding party? Or my 2 nieces and 3 nephews? I had to make sacrifices too.
I guess I will try the “can she stand up on his side” compromise and see if he will go for it this time around. I am sooo incredibly sick of this fight. It extends past having her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man it also includes which friends to include too. If he had his original plan he would have like 6 groomsmen and 1 bridesmaid. The church is not big enough for that. If I had it my way I would say screw it and have no one stand up. It just seems to be a fight that never will be settled. I don’t want to win I want a compromise that will not upset either of us.
Post # 18
For me, since the wedding is about 2 families becoming one (and therefore Future Sister-In-Law becoming my little sister). I wanted to ask her, and Fiance was happy/relieved that I wanted her there. Future Sister-In-Law is not my best friend, and I am not hers. But I’m going to see her at every major holiday for the rest of our lives, and that counts for something. I do like her, but we don’t have much in common. What really matters to me, though, is she is family.
Post # 19
Normally I wouldn’t say she didn’t fight for her marriage but both her and her husband said/suggested she was not going to fight for it. I’m not wholly judging her on her behavior in her marriage but her behavior towards me. But yes, for me I would prefer that the people standing up in the wedding have honored their vows. Whether or not they have a happy marriage is irrevelant because what for one is happy is not for another. It is more about the vibes and energy that I see being brought by the bridal party that will be heavily involved in the wedding and process.
Post # 20
It is very easy for someone to give the appearance of honoring his/her vows, while being a complete monster behind closed doors. However, I understand what you mean and I’m glad you explained it further. I had some selfish and fake friends around me on my wedding day. It is terrible to look at my pictures and see them.
I like your idea of sticking with just a Maid/Matron of Honor and one Bridesmaid or Best Man. I have noticed that choosing bridal parties can lead to so many hurt feelings because of other people’s expectations.
Post # 21
i would suck it up bc its important to your Fiance to have his sister in the wedding. Let him know that if she becomes diffichlt that he will have to deal with her. Don’t let yourself get streed over her. This is your wedding. She doesnt have to participate in anything, so don’t be upset. Prepare yourself for that now. If events or ans come up, tell her the date and time, and if she comes, great, if not…oh well. Her loss.
Does it sucks that she is not making an effort to get to know you, sure. But its your FI’s sister and he obviously wants her to be apart of his day.
maybe if she gets to be too difficult he will see that and possibly let her back out or tell her to back out. I hope it doesnt come to that.
Post # 22
I hate to break it to you, but SIL being in the wedding or not in the wedding is the least of things. She’s your FI’s sister. You’re marrying her too. So, given that your Fiance has expressed that he seems to want to repair and continue his relationship with her, you might want to consider your wedding an opportunity to try to get your familial relationship off to a good, fresh start. Because, let me tell you, if your wedding goes unresolved, then up goes the likelihood that every Thanksgiving, every Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanzaa/Eid whatever, every birthday, every anniversary party, every baby shower–that you’re going to have the same issue over and over again for the rest of your married life. I get that you don’t want anyone you’re not close to standing up for you, but I think it’s a bit unfair to say because she’s had a failed marriage, she’s going to tarnish your wedding. Yes, she had an affair, but you don’t know what went on in her marriage–and neither does your FI’s family (and yes, I probably wouldn’t like it if I were going through a divorce and my family got involved). So I’d relax my judgment there and accept that *your* SIL is a divorcee and moving on with her life. You can be part of her moving on–it may not work–but I still think in this case, it’s well worth it for future sanity to be the one to try.
Post # 23
Sorry Hun but I agree with pps that you need to have your fsil as a bridesmaid. She is going to be in your life for a very long time and she is going to be a joint relationship between you and your Fi as it should be and i know you don’t like her but is it worth putting your Fi in the middle between you and his sister? I think not.
Post # 24
I guess I would just let him have her as a bridesmaid.
I actually brought it up to my husband about having his sister as a bridesmaid – we aren’t super close, but she’s never been rude or mean. She’s just a lot younger than me so we don’t relate to each other much, but there’s certainly effort of trying on both of our parts. I knew it would mean a lot for him [and for her, and their mom] to have her as a bridesmaid. So I asked, and things went well. I however, didn’t expect my bridesmaids to do anything [including buying attire], aside from showing up and looking pretty, so that certainly helped.
Post # 25
There is no excuse for cheating, but no one really knows what goes on in a marriage.
Maybe he was cheating too, maybe he was abusive, maybe it was am agreement- my point is, don’t judge her based on that alone.
While i understand how you feel, i think you should give it your best try and let her be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. If she turns out to be horrible, your Fiance will see it for himself. Go into it with an open mind and she may turn out to be a lovely person up close, or at least someone you can be in talking terms with. She’s becoming family after the wedding anyway.
Post # 26
If your brothers aren’t in the bridal party, you don’t have to include her. Or your brothers could stand on your side and the SIL on the other side. My nephew married recently and the brides attendants consisted of her sister, her best female friend, and her best male friend. He wore a black tuxedo, like the rest of the men, and stood on her side.
My SIL and I weren’t in each others weddings and we were married 4 months apart. Heck, I wasn’t even in any of her photos, except for a single one with my then fiance – nope, not a single, family, group shot. And I had known her brother/FI longer and the family longer than her new husband. She asked me to do nothing, btw. I, at least, had the courtesy to ask her to be involved by manning the guest book and handing out programs. She missed that as she was late; I learned where her priorities lay.
Post # 27
Since it is so important to him, IMO you could consider including her and at that point Fiance should include your brothers. That way there is compromise on both sides and it is clear that you are honoring the concept of family. The numbers absolutely do not need to match. You may not care much for Future Sister-In-Law, but it is clear that Fiance wants to promote the possibility of a future relationship between all of you. Pick your battles.
Post # 28
Nope, DO NOT DO IT! I was forced to have my sister in law in my bridal party – and we were not close either but I thought she was okay and I had 7 bridesmaids so I included her.
She ended up being a total fucking bitch (can you tell I’m still bitter?) during every single wedding event. She was nasty when I wanted to take pictures at the bridal shower – she didnt pay her share for anything at the bachelorette and refused to participate in some things ( she even went so far as to refuse to sit with us at one bar and sat alone for a couple hours because she didn’t like where our table was). At the wedding she was totally high off of pain killers, almost ruined the photographers camera, requested INSANE eye makeup (bright purple when our dresses were pink), spent the reception hitting on the door man, AND THEN – had the audacity to tell my SISTER that she thought “the wedding could have been better” and that “the music sucked”.
If I had known she would have behaved like this, there is absolutely NO WAY she would have been included. To this day (5 months later), she says she “doesnt remember” and still has not apologized – really ruining her relationship with her entire family (and my husband) who have been on our side the entire time. Barely anyone speaks to her.
As I said – don’t do it. If you were having a huge bridal party, I think it’s totally different. AND your brothers are not included – so she doesn’t need to be either.
Please, please, please, PLEASE, dont do it, lol.
Post # 29
If he feels she is his support, then she should stand on his side. Bridesmaids are there to support the bride. Traditionally, this includes putting together showers, a bach party, and even helping the bride pee once her wedding gown is on. Explain this to your finace. As a guy, he probably hasn’t thought about the intimacy involved in being a bridesmaid and it sounds like his sister is DEFINITELY not that intimate with you. Once he understands that, he may see things in a different light.
Post # 30
Why don’t you have her stand on his side? One of my best friends did this and the groom’s sister wore a black dress (we wore purple) to fit in with the black tuxes. I thought it was cute. He had 4 siblings (3 brothers, 1 sister) and he wanted all of them included. It was lovely.