(Closed) BIL and His Wife: HURT

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee

What have they actually done to you except say they dont want to be BFFs?

Also, She didnt say she didnt not want to be friends, she said she may have to saccrifice somethings. I dont see how that means she doesnt want to ever be friendly towards you.

I will say also, people who try too hard to be friends are usually annoying at best. You cant force a friendship on someone. You have to let it grow organically, and pressueing them to be what they very well may see as overtly friendly, is a sure way to make them ignore you.

Post # 5
Member
2840 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If I were in your shoes, I would go the superficial route. At least at movies you don’t have to talk to them!

It’s a sucky situation to be in. But your SO is in the worst spot.  It’s the Brother-In-Law and wife’s fault, but try not to make it harder on your SO.  If it hurts that they don’t like you, imagine how SO feels knowing his twin doesn’t care for his SO.

Post # 6
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Twins are interesting, aren’t they? 

I dated one in college and suffice it to say, no one will ever be what his twin is to him, and that’s not a bad thing at all, but it does explain your SO’s insistence that the four of you spend time together, it’s important to him in a big way, so I get it.

And I understand your feelings on this one, no one likes hearing that they aren’t exactly someone’s cup of tea, do they?  But hey, you can’t please everyone, and you are great the way you are, so don’t let that bother you.

I would agree to do things with them provided that it wasn’t just dinner, where conversation has to carry the time…I would take brewery tours, winery tours, go mini-golfing, to movies, art exhibits…DOING stuff…that way the activity does all the heavy lifting with this angst laiden SIL of yours and not you, and SO gets his quality time with his sibling, which is important and you don’t have to feel badly.  Also…I would campaign for a paintball trip…you could shoot her in the ass, and still feel good about it.

Post # 9
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@nantes14:  Well, start with something that occupies and interests you, just because they’re in Twin Space, and that is a REAL thing by the way, that doesn’t mean you HAVE to be interacting with her only, maybe some extra people around, like in a cooking class or a small tour asking questions can offer the kind of interaction and distraction needed to take the pressure off just you and her making it happen.

I get where your coming from on this, and it is very hard to find a balance, but it’s there, just not the way you think it is.

 

Post # 10
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Nona99:  Baha! +1 for the paintball idea!

Post # 11
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Don’t take it personally? I am pretty sure you come from a close family, but when marriage is involved, you havea  lot of people thrown together who wouldn ‘t normally want to be. That’s nothing to feel bad about. A superficial relationship that is cordial is by far better than a horrible one. I’d just be happy with what I have and move on to other friends.

Post # 14
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would put in exactly as much effort as they are…. None! When/if they realize that you arent initiating contact anymore, they may just get the idea of how badly theyve hurt you by rebuffing your attempts at buliding a friendship. Fwiw, my brother in law and his wife sound just like yours. Hes an outright ass, though. She just goes along with it. It stinks, but i came to realze that we dont have to “like” each other just gecause we are related.

you have demonstrated your friendliness already. I would look at it as though YOU are too good a friend to hang out with rude people like them!

Post # 15
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@nantes14:  You really can’t force relationships with people.  If you feel like you’ve been putting in too much effort with no reciprocation, eventually you need to take responsibility for feeling disappointed.  And please don’t interpret that as being harsh.  It’s just one of life’s many lessons!  There is a direct correlation between high expectations and disappointment.  As soon as you start to lower your expectations of people, you will much happier!

Do I think it’s strange the brother’s wont hang out without their wives/GFs?  Yes, I do.  But that’s their choice to make.  Just like you can’t force a relationship with your SIL, you can’t force your Boyfriend or Best Friend and his twin to hang out without you.

So just work with what you have – a good boyfriend, an ok Brother-In-Law, and a dismissive/uninterested SIL – and stop trying too hard!

Post # 16
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

First of all I’m a fraternal twin boy/girl with my brother and some people think we  have oddly weird relationship that is a bit too close.  I met twins like us who do,  and others have normal sister/brother relationship. I admit I have a different relationship with my twin then my brothers. So I can’t imagine how much closer a set of twins who are identical(if that is the case) or the same gender may be. That being said when we want to hang out and are in  or want to hang out we go off by ourselves without my Fi.

It sounds like they haven’t done anything in particular rather then just not making an effort and showing disinterest. This can be hurtful, but trust me it’s better then being in a relationship where you are at war with your in laws and there are far more serious issues going on. While it sucks, I think you should not go and hangout with them all the time if you think the relationship is to one sided/ superficial. Second just let it go for the sake of your Fi, and have surface relationship with them.

Sometimes you don’t need to be best friends with your in laws, and the relationship you have sounds better then being at war with them or having fights and huge discord amongst everyone which doesn’t sound like you guys do. Also encourage your Fi to go out and spend alone with his bro so that way you don’t have to come along just because Bil wife will be there. Good luck!

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