Post # 1
So the situation that I’m really finding difficult to deal with is this…My Brother-In-Law is getting engaged and it makes me really upset and emotional. My fiance and I (both 24, I have a son from previous situation) have been engaged for a year and a half and due to extenuating circumstances (long distance relationship, both finishing our degrees), we won’t be getting married for another five or so years. They live in the states.
I posted awhile ago around a situation with my fiance but this is a different conversation all together. There have been some changes to that but moving on..
A week ago, my fiance told me over the phone that his brother was getting engaged.
My FIL/BIL hate me. Mother-In-Law is not so decided. Sometimes she likes me, sometimes she doesn’t. They are a family of extreme wealth and religious beliefs and do not like that I don’t share the same kind of background.
My Father-In-Law wants absolutely nothing to do with me, won’t acknowledge my relationship with his son, has tried setting my fiance up with someone else when we first became engaged etc.
ANYWAY. Father-In-Law together with Brother-In-Law are planning an elaborate pre-engagement party (food, people etc) in Egypt (the woman is from there). Later on, she’s going to move to the states at some point where they’ll set up their own household.
This really hurts me.
I completely acknowledge that it is not my business and to focus on my own relationship.
BUT the Brother-In-Law has said and done some really mean things to me so there is also the resentment knowing that such a mean person gets what I want i.e a family life together with my fiance.
For example, he helped me coordinate a surprise visit to my fiance then on my last day over there, told my fiance (whilst I sitting next to him) that if he married me, my fiance would be dead to him. Brother-In-Law wouldn’t consider my fiance his brother anymore.
Another example – He’s threatened to send private photos of me to my family (fiance and I had been arguing) because he didn’t approve of the relationship. So he tried to blackmail me to leave my fiance.
There are aLOT of other examples/moments.
There is the hurt that my Father-In-Law wants absolutely nothing to do with me yet is throwing a lavish PRE-engagement party for the woman his son is going to propose too (seriously, 110 people, food, entertaiment etc). So they’re not even engaged yet but all stops are being pulled.
My resentment does not stem from a place of materialism. I wish/would love to just be able to sit down and talk cordially with the inlaws. Get to know them, share some kind of connection but even now, to them, I am nothing. I am not granted any time of day and am in essence, shunned. THAT hurts.
Any advice? I know I’m putting myself out there for some mean comments but I’m really struggling with it. Fiance doesn’t talk to me about this, we always argue when we talk about his family (issues aplenty).
Again. I know it has nothing to do with me, it’s not my relationship etc.
Just in a bad spot. Ideas?
This topic was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by amax101421.
Post # 2
Private photos? What the heck “private photos” does your guys brother have of you to threaten you with???
Post # 3
Private photos that your Fiance gave to him cause you guys were fighting? Er……….
Post # 4
Just what I was thinking. Also, while it really sucks, I’d just consider them not my family. I wouldn’t even call them in-laws (they aren’t, anyway), nor would I have anything else to do with them. Your fiance needs to decide if it’s you or them and then they can decide whether they’re bluffing or not. I’d be out regarding that family.
Post # 5
jbella: that’s what I’m wondering.
Why don’t they like you, these things don’t just come out of no where. There is a reason even if it’s wrong or ridiculous, why don’t they like you?
Post # 6
Are you saying your Fiance gave his brother naked pictures of you because the two of you were in a fight? I think your problem is solved– who would marry a guy who would do that? Thank God you don’t have to deal with him or his family!
Post # 7
In all seriousness- his brother and father are mean and manipulative. He himself totally crossed the line because of a fight. There are WAY bigger issues to be thinking about than a party. That is a serious trust issue.
Post # 8
I honestly don’t think you will find the answers that you need here. I would strongly encourage you to get into couples counseling (or if he wont agree, to go to a therapist yourself). This is a lot to consider signing yourself up for the rest of your life.
Post # 9
I just looked at your past thread. How many times have you seen your Fiance in person? Was this an online relationship but you came to visit him a couple times?
Post # 10
Wow, lots of issues here.
First, your fiance was VERY WRONG in sharing pictures that you had shared specifically with only him. Talk about a HUGE violation of trust.
Second, WHY IS HE NOT STANDING UP FOR YOU??? Instead of telling his family “this is my fiancee, the woman who I am marrying” and distancing himself from them, he is telling YOU what they are saying about you behind their back. How is that in any way helpful or beneficial? Not that he needs to choose you over his family but they sound so toxic and the fact that he won’t stand up for you to them is a MAJOR red flag.
I will say I have a close friend whose in laws hate her. The family has quite a few issues themselves that have not been dealt with, and they take it out on my friend. It hurts her so much that she can’t have a good relaitonship with her in laws. Her husband however, will stand up for her. He will put them in their place when they are out of line. He recognizes how toxic they are and he isn’t afraid to get up and leave his parents’ house if necessary (which they have done in the past). It’s not that he’s choosing his wife over his family, but he is standing up for the woman he loves. You are NOT getting that here.
I also wonder why FIVE years? Most programs I know are 4-5 years…unless one of you is getting a doctorate or something? I will also say…a lot can happen in 5 years. I would seriously consider not marrying this man. Based on his actions, he doesn’t sound like that great of a dude.
Post # 11
There is a lot more to this story, I feel like. How many times have you actually seen your fiance in person? And why does his brother have private photos of you?
Post # 12
You are not just marring him but his entire family for the rest of your life. Is this how you want to live?
Post # 13
I just read your other thread too…not trying to be mean but girl, you rushed into this relationship. There’s no way that you can truly get to know someone after a mere weeks of dating. Getting engaged at 6 months when you haven’t had the chance whatsoever to get to know each other in person. Sorry but in person =/= over Skype/FaceTime/text. You don’t even really know the guy because you’ve only been with him for a mere weeks over the course of your relationship. Quite honestly I would seriously think about breaking this engagement. It’s obvious that he won’t ever stand up to his parents in support of you, plus…this is a HUGE gamble…ESPECIALLY with your CHILD. It’s a big big big gamble to move across the WORLD for someone. I know you see him a few times per year, but that is a vacation. That’s not “real life”. You’re seeing him at his best during that time, and he is seeing you at your best.
Quite honestly the moment I knew my guy was “it” was when he was a champ in helping me get through the day my family dog died…that day I was literally at my worst. I realized that he was in it for the long haul and he cared about me enough to see my ugly cry for 16 hours STRAIGHT. It is when you are at your worst when people really show their true colors.
Not to mention has he even met your child?
Post # 14
You need to focus on what you can control – your actions. I would seriously reconsider marrying into a family with these issues given your Fiance and you fight whenever you try to discuss them.
Post # 15
The photo sharing thing doesnt sound healthy. Family issues aside…what is your relationship with your Fiance like? Can you elaborate?