Post # 1
regular bee going anon for this.
ill try to keep this as short as possible but thanks in advance for reading
my Fiance and I are getting married in about 6weeks and his brother is his best man. Our whole relationship Brother-In-Law has been rather selfish but everyone kinda brushes it off and usually it’s no big deal. The real problem to me is that Brother-In-Law also drinks ALOT. While this isn’t a problem if he keeps to himself he can often become angry. This past weekend my Fiance went out with Brother-In-Law and his Girlfriend. BIL proceeded to get very drunk. FI decided to try to get him home and he just snapped.
he started to become angry at Fiance and was trying to start a fight the entire walk home. When they finally got him home to start to threaten Fiance, trying to hit him with a coffee mug, and even went so far as to pull an (unloaded) gun. thankfully Fiance was able to get himself and Girlfriend out of the house and home safely.
Obviously Fiance and I are really upset about the whole thing. FI wants to cut all ties with Brother-In-Law including dismissal from the wedding.
Will this make things worse? I just really need some perspective on this.
Post # 2
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
If your bil is not willing to get help for his anger management and possible alcoholism, it’s completely reasonable to cease contact. It is totally ok to free yourself from toxic people in your life.
Post # 3
Will it make what worse?
I wouldn’t hang out with anyone who pulled a gun, loaded or not, on me or anyone I care about. I think this is your FI’s decision, and he’s making the right call. If his family gets upset, he needs to be ready to stand his ground.
Post # 4
anon78229: Holy shit, I was ready to say “it’s their relationship, stay out of it” until I got to the gun part. No way. That is FUCKED UP. I don’t care if it’s unloaded. Someone who will pull an unloaded gun this time will pull a loaded one next time. I would cut ties unless he gets himself to counselling and substance abuse treatment. There is no excuse for that.
ETA: And if your fiance is ready to cut ties now, I’d support that. Pulling a gun does not deserve a second chance. If someone WANTS to give a second chance to someone who is actively trying to change themself, that’s great. But if not, I’m fine with that too. Actions have consequences and there is no reason ever to pull a gun on someone who is not threatening you.
Post # 5
Pulling a gun would be a reason to cut ties for me. It will hopefully serve as a wake up call for Brother-In-Law (though I’m sure it will take some time) that he’s making bad choices when he drinks.
Post # 6
Yikes! I hope his Girlfriend broke up with him!
And yea, he’d be out of my wedding. I’d have to tell him that we’re done unless or until he enters rehab.
Post # 7
- Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm
anon78229: All guns are loaded. Always. ALWAYS! That’s how you treat a gun.
If you don’t think this action is enough to cut ties now, do you think it would be later? Say when you have kids? Or at a family function.
He would be out of my life so fast his head would spin.
Post # 8
thanks for your input so far. I am totally one hundred percent behind Fiance cutting ties if that’s what he wants to do as I would find it incredibly hard to forgive. right now Fiance is taking time to evaluate the relationship to sort out his feelings.
Post # 9
Brother-In-Law: needs to go, and it’s FI’s call. You don’t need that kind of shit in your life or your wedding.
Post # 10
MelissainNC: unfortunately I don’t think she did
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
Your Fiance is ready to cut ties with him and boot him from the wedding. Let him. You don’t pull guns on people, even unloaded ones. That is a massive violation of trust and safety. The last thing someone with an alcohol problem needs is unrestricted access to a weapon, and as long as he has that alcohol addiction and that unrestricted access to a gun, he would not be in my life.
Post # 12
I agree with all of you but I’m trying to remain somewhat neutral as not not influence Fiance and push him to make a choice he’s not sure about. I find it a difficult position as I have my own very strong feelings about this obviously.
Post # 13
anon78229: “…I’m trying to remain somewhat neutral as not to influence Fiance…” About your neutrality: you should have a say, as it could affect your and your FI’s safety. Your FI’s initial reaction to cut off ties was a wise one; I would encourage it.
Post # 14
claroquesi: I agree and voiced that opinion to him. As you can imagine a lot of opinions are being thrown around right now though
Post # 15
It’s easy to say as a stranger that he should cut all ties but we are strangers. He is family. If my sister had done that, I could not make the call because although she has her problems, she is a positive figure in my life. What I instead would do is make her understand that she’s an alcoholic that needs help and demand that she stay sober around me and at the wedding.