(Closed) BIL problems..really need advice

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
2314 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

If your bil is not willing to get help for his anger management and possible alcoholism, it’s completely reasonable to cease contact. It is totally ok to free yourself from toxic people in your life. 


Post # 3
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Will it make what worse?

I wouldn’t hang out with anyone who pulled a gun, loaded or not, on me or anyone I care about. I think this is your FI’s decision, and he’s making the right call. If his family gets upset, he needs to be ready to stand his ground.

Post # 4
8962 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

anon78229:  Holy shit, I was ready to say “it’s their relationship, stay out of it” until I got to the gun part. No way. That is FUCKED UP. I don’t care if it’s unloaded. Someone who will pull an unloaded gun this time will pull a loaded one next time. I would cut ties unless he gets himself to counselling and substance abuse treatment. There is no excuse for that.

ETA: And if your fiance is ready to cut ties now, I’d support that. Pulling a gun does not deserve a second chance. If someone WANTS to give a second chance to someone who is actively trying to change themself, that’s great. But if not, I’m fine with that too. Actions have consequences and there is no reason ever to pull a gun on someone who is not threatening you.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Daisy_Mae.
Post # 5
1746 posts
Bumble bee

Pulling a gun would be a reason to cut ties for me.  It will hopefully serve as a wake up call for Brother-In-Law (though I’m sure it will take some time) that he’s making bad choices when he drinks.

Post # 6
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Yikes!  I hope his Girlfriend broke up with him!

And yea, he’d be out of my wedding.  I’d have to tell him that we’re done unless or until he enters rehab.

Post # 7
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

anon78229:  All guns are loaded. Always. ALWAYS! That’s how you treat a gun.

If you don’t think this action is enough to cut ties now, do you think it would be later? Say when you have kids? Or at a family function. 

He would be out of my life so fast his head would spin. 

Post # 9
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Brother-In-Law: needs to go, and it’s FI’s call. You don’t need that kind of shit in your life or your wedding.

Post # 11
3553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Your Fiance is ready to cut ties with him and boot him from the wedding. Let him. You don’t pull guns on people, even unloaded ones. That is a massive violation of trust and safety. The last thing someone with an alcohol problem needs is unrestricted access to a weapon, and as long as he has that alcohol addiction and that unrestricted access to a gun, he would not be in my life.

Post # 13
3145 posts
Sugar bee

anon78229:  “…I’m trying to remain somewhat neutral as not to influence Fiance…” About your neutrality: you should have a say, as it could affect your and your FI’s safety.  Your FI’s initial reaction to cut off ties was a wise one; I would encourage it.  

Post # 15
659 posts
Busy bee

It’s easy to say as a stranger that he should cut all ties but we are strangers. He is family. If my sister had done that, I could not make the call because although she has her problems, she is a positive figure in my life. What I instead would do is make her understand that she’s an alcoholic that needs help and demand that she stay sober around me and at the wedding. 

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