(Closed) Bio Dad Alert

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

An announcement might be a good way to go.  Send it after the wedding and you shouldn’t have to worry about him crashing the wedding if he doesn’t know about it.  I don’t really know what to suggest about the cousin though.  Is it a cousin that you’re close to, or one you hardly ever see and would only invite out of obligation?  That might help you decide what to do.

Post # 4
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I say send a letter stating you are getting married and you thought he would like to know, but you would like for him not to be there or try to attend, as he is not welcome for x,y and z. Tell him you are sorry (or not) if he is hurt but it is best that he not be there, as he hasn’t *I’m assuming here*.

Post # 5
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

if it’s a cousin you’re close to and worry they might spill the beans (ie, they are known to not keep secrets!) then i’d quietly mention that bio dad was not invited and please don’t mention anything to him. i wouldn’t send a letter beforehand – that seems like asking for trouble… if he gets angry/upset, he’s sure to crash!

i would send him an announcement afterwards, though. that’s polite. he may not be your dad, but he did contribute. 🙂

Post # 6
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2005

I had the same problem. My bonus mom (aka step-mom, but she’s too cool for that 🙂 ) married my bio dad (I’ve called him s-donor as well), but when he did some deal breakers, I decided to keep her and get rid of him (I was 22). Because she would still see him around town, we set up a plan if he asked about me…which he did. He knew that I didn’t want him around, so was smart enough not to crash the wedding. I seriously thought he would though, so what she said was that yes, I was getting married, but no details…no when, where, etc. So even if he tried to crash it, he wouldn’t know anything.

Talk to your cousin…are they close? Does he visit? If so, you can ask that he/she to not display the wedding invitation (a real concern if s-donor drops by and reads your calendar, fridge art etc.) and that they don’t mention the wedding. Hopefully your cousin is cool, so it’s not a problem.

I never sent an anouncement…I honestly didn’t feel he deserved one. I was also worried that he would see it as an invitation to come back into my life. All dad-kid relationships are different, but this is what worked for me. I do recommend knowing what you want to do now, because the pressure increases when you have kids. I had to fend off granny who thought my s-donor should know he was about to be a grandfather. Sticking up for yourself to an eighty-year-old woman is tough!

Post # 7
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I guess you know better than we do if he would crash it.  That actually happened to a good friend of mine.  She did invite her bio-dad, who is pretty well off but contributed nothing to her upbringing, promised her money for college and then welched on that when he married a Russian mail-order bride (no kidding) and started his second family.  He refused to come.  She said fine – no problem – with relief I think.  After she and her Fiance had paid for the whole thing, she arranged for a long time mentor and father figure to give her away, bio-dad showed up (had to fly from Texas to Idaho to do that), got messy drunk, told everyone who would listen that he paid for the whole thing, and made a big scene about giving her away.  She was mortified.  Luckily she doesn’t have a gigantic Marine stepdad to get offended, but the groom (ex Pac-10 linebacker) had to be begged not to deck her dad.

If you think there is any possibility of this kind of thing happening, I would try really hard not to let him know anything about it.  Hopefully he’s smart enough to know that if he’s not invited, he’s not invited.  If you think its necessary, maybe you and your mom can have a little talk with him about how it would really be best not to show.

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