(Closed) Biological deadline or social deadline?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I started a thread about this a while back. Increasingly, I am coming to the conclusion that there is no right time. Something will always go wrong, and you have to do the best you can.

I will be 30 this year, and I am very tempted to start TTC this year as well. We could wait until we are more financially stable, true… but I am concerned about leaving it too late and waiting for a social deadline which may never happen. I don’t want to start TTC at 40, find out I need fertility treatment after a year, be refused it on the NHS because I am too old, and then be left in a difficult situation, with a low chance of success no matter what I do.

I know I’ve been strongly influenced by department of health adverts in this regard. The NHS did a huge campaign when I was younger which encouraged women to have children younger. This was because maternal mortality in this country is sharply rising, due to maternal obesity and the prevalence of older mothers (40+). The campaign aimed to encourage women to try to have children whilst they were still in their 30s. It’s a credo I want to live by. I always wanted to have my first child by 30 and my last by 35. However, I decided not to take any heroic measures in order to meet my deadline exactly. It’s not necessarily bad to have these deadlines… just as long as you don’t go overboard in trying to meet them.

Post # 18
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I find it interesting that no ones mentioned one of my main reasons for wanting to start a family soon. I really want my children to have as many years as they can with their grandparents. My mother has watched all of her siblings have grandchildren for the last decade while she waited patiently for me to finish my education and marry the right man. Now in their late 50’s, I worry about the years my parents have left. I am so grateful to be able to have known my grandparents as an adult and I would like the same for my children. I am desperate to bring a baby into my loving family. We’ve been married almost a year (together going on 7) and have waited while we moved to a bigger place and got settled at our new jobs. We are going to start TTC in August and I can’t wait! By the way, we’re “only”  28 & 29. 

Post # 19
Member
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@ksus07:  I went skydiving with my mom last year – she’s 62. So I have to agree with a PP that the argument that parents who have kids past their 20’s are too tired and feeble to do anything fun with them is crap. Life is what we make of it. If we want to be healthy and active with our kids, then be healthy and active! With a few exceptions, it’s well within everyone’s reach.

Post # 20
Member
9329 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i would have liked to be married by the time i was 30 so i could have started TTC right away.

however, i didn’t want to settle for the wrong guy.  while i can’t wait to have a baby of my own, i wanted the right guy and to have a happy marriage.

after we set our date, I told Fiance I wanted to start trying a few months before the wedding.  he did not agree.  we will start TTC the night of our wedding.  i will be 32.

 

 

Post # 21
Member
1379 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@soinlove2 While I understand wanting yours kids to have as many good years with their grandparents as possible, life expectancy these days is in the late 70s. So you probably still have 20ish years left with your parents.

Post # 22
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I also think the social shift is interesting, too.  I’m 27 and in my social circles – mostly mid-20s to mid-30s aged folks – you get married in your mid-to-late 20s and have babies…who knows.  Thirties at least.  Sometimes 40s.  I also work in academia and it’s very common for women to have children after 35 around these parts.  I know so many women with healthy babies who had no problems conceiving after 35 that I’m not even worried, lol.  Instead of persuading me to try to have babies now, people keep telling me I need to wait until I’m in my 30s (which I have no problem with, lol).

Ron and I don’t have a timeline at the moment.  We’re both in school, so we want to graduate, start our careers, travel a bit and spend some time building our marriage.  I personally would like to buy a house before I have a baby, so my baby can grow up in the same room his or her nursery was in.  If we have problems with fertility when we’re ready to conceive, we’ll explore adoption.

 Also, what is this notion that people in their 30s and 40s are too old to run around with their kids and play?

Post # 23
Member
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I agree with @kay01:  about that last statement. When people start asking you “When are you going to have kids.” there’s usually a well established foundation of love & trust.

Perhaps I’m the exception but Darling Husband & I have made the choice to start our family young (27 & 23 respectively) not on biological imperative but because it makes the most sense in terms of work-life. It gives me the opportunity to stay home with my children now while I’m studying. Then I’ll be able start my career without maternity leave interruptions or the brunt of sleep deprivation (newborns?! No thanks!).

Post # 24
Member
2490 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

The only thing that’s really driving me to want kids sooner rather than later is my fiance’s age. He’s in his late 30s and doesn’t want to wait much longer to have a child.

I’ll be totally honest though, I would be completely fine waiting another 5-10 years to have a baby. I’ll be 29 in a few weeks and I know that to some people that sounds crazy, but I love our life as it is right now. I would definitely 100% accept and welcome a baby at this point in our lives but I also don’t feel like I’m “missing out”

ETA: Whenever anyone makes a comment to me about us having kids soon I get mad. We have been through so much that people don’t know about and it drives me crazy when someone gets obsessed about us having babies soon! It’s NOT the only reason we’re getting married.

Post # 25
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I am the odd one out so far in this thread. I want to start TTC in my mid 20’s because all of my cousins waited until their 30s and had problems.

 

My story: I’m 26, Fiance is 41. We are getting married next month and have been telling people that we want to take a year to spend together as newlyweds, perhaps buy a house, and then start TTC next summer. I have friends who aren’t going to try until their 30’s, but I cannot wait that long for biological and social reasons.

 

First and foremost, my Fiance is 41. If I got pregnant right away next summer, he will be 43 when the first child is born, and 61 when they graduate from high school. I want my Fiance to have as much time with our kids as possible. There is no guarantee that he will live to be 80. My father died when he was 52 and had a serious near-death scare at age 43. It’s important to consider my FI’s biological clock for these reasons.

 

Second, I would be 28 having my first child. All three of my female first cousins had issues having kids in their 30’s. My sister-in-law is having trouble conceiving and she is 31. My mother hit menopause at 38! Considering the family history, the odds are not in my favor to have children later.

 

Socially, it would be nice to have kids close in age to their cousins. Considering that my SIL and bro are trying now, if all goes well and they have a child soon, I’d like our kids to be able to have a cousin close in age to grow up with. My FI’s friends (who are in-between us age wise) are starting to have kids now, so it would be nice to have additional “cousins” through them to play and grow with.

 

Post # 26
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

Yeah, I can see your point, but I think that you’re missing the possibility that these women who tell you they want babies by ___ already have it worked out in their relationship life, they just would rather not share that with you. Lol. Like I may say I want babies by 27, but that’s because that gives us a few years alone as a married couple (which makes us assume that we will be 120% ready for a baby by then). We may not share with random people who ask when we are going to have babies that we want to make sure our marriage is solid as a rock, we tell them we’re paying off student loans and building a house to make sure we can provide for our baby 🙂 but I’m sure you’re aware that there are very compelling biological reasons to not wait too long to have babies, as well, though science has done wonders to improve that for many

Post # 27
Member
1612 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

My mom was 41 and my dad was 44 when they had me so I’ve never really felt the same societal pressure as others.  I had older parents and it never really bothered me or felt different from the other kids.  Dad rode bikes with me and mom went swimming and skating with me.  All the normal things.  I just turned 36 and will probably be 37 when I get married and start trying for children.  I held out to meet the right person and refused to settle for anything less.  I don’t regret a thing.

I have a friend who is a year younger than me who has been saying for over a year now that she’s too old to have kids.  Its really annoying.  I recently talked about it with another friend who is my age and a doctor.  She just had her second child and she’s over 35 now. 

Post # 28
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

For me its biological, but not in the fertility kind of way (although i am 23 living with PCOS). My mom’s mom died at around age 47-50 (i know she was born in or after 1932), and my own mother died at 55. My outlooks for a long life aren’t the best, so I want to have children as soon as I can to maximize the time I have with them.

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