Post # 1
I am very unsure how to go about inviting my biological father. He and my mother divorced when I was two. He wanted nothing to do with me until I was 8 when my step-father (who I call Dad) attempted to adopt me. Ever since then, I saw maybe once a year for a weekend (his decision, not my mother’s) and every now and then sent child support. When I was 16 he took me camping for my birthday. During this trip, he told me my mother was b**** which I let roll off my back, because, while rude, they are divorced. However, then he proceeded to attack my best friend by calling her abnormal and prude (she was homeschooled and is religious) and called my grandmother a B****y old hag (she is the greatest woman ever). After that, I told him he stepped out of bounds and I wanted to go home. He said fine but refused to drive me. So I called Dad and walked five miles to the camp gates for him to pick me up. I didn’t talk to R (bio dad) again until my HS graduation.
Since I’ve been in college, things have been mildly better. But there are still things that come up. He is supposed to be paying for my education as was agreed in the divorce. But when I called to ask when they were sending money to buy books, I received a text message at one in the morning from my step mother calling me a greedy whore. Now, due to his lack of promise keeping, I am transferring schools because I cannot afford to attend.
If you’re still with me, I really appreciate it. I’m almost done. When I told him my now fiancée asked dad for my hand in marriage, R said “No he didn’t. I didn’t get a call” He’s told my dad so many times that he (step dad) is my dad because he’s been there for me (very true). But in all of my successes, R wants to be my dad.
I don’t want to tell him about the engagment and want to invite him even less. But he keeps talking about (when we do talk, about once every three months) how I need to keep him informed because he wants to pay for the wedding. And how he talks sounds like he’s assuming he’s giving me away (which he does not deserve that). I don’t know what to do.
Should I just not invite him? He doesn’t get along with any family members, neither my mother’s family or his own. I’m not inviting any members from his side because I haven’t seen or heard from them since I was eight. I don’t know if the right action is to cut off all communication or invite him to the wedding.
Ideas? Advice? Thank you so much for reading all of this. It really is a confusing situation.
Post # 3
Initially I almost didnt write back to you because your situation is so personal and very emotionally charged, not to mention something i can totally identify with. I also have an amazing step-father who has been 1 million times the father my bio dad could have ever been, and it is not an easy situation to deal with, especially when your real father is actively making an effort to be involved with the wedding. The reality of the situation is how do you even begin to consider taking the priviledge of giving you away from your step-father who has been there all along, and who has made up for atleast some of the poor judgements of your bio dad… it sucks. And you shouldnt do it.. I think, and again this is from my perspective, that you need to consider who truely deserves to give you away. Your real father is someone , from what you have said, whose only real contribution to your life in any positive way was getting your mother pregnant (withyou!), and since that point has only brought negative energy and dissapointment to you. I am not saying write him off all together, but respect and priviledges must be EARNED. Invite him, be the better person, be a strong and beautiful woman, but take a stand and explain to him, that although you appreciate any and all of his offers to pay, you dont want to get your hopes up, like you may have in the past only to be dissapointed and let down. You dont deserve to have that energy surrounding you with this partiular event in your life. Have a heart to heart with your real dad- take a stand, let him know you need to start from scratch and wipe the slate clean, but also make it clear he has hurt you and let you down in the past. If he does ultimately contribute you can find some other way to recognize him, but giving you away should be the honor of the man who was truely a Dad to you. By not being in your life in a huge way your bio dad did you the biggest favor- he essentially enabled you to become the person you now are.
Anyone can be a father, it takes a real man to be a “Dad”.
and tell your stepdad you love him– if you are anything like me and a lot of other step children it is easy to forget to say it becasue of some underlying fear- they do need to hear it too. 🙂 hope this helps
Post # 4
I can only relate through my mother’s situation with her bio-dad and the dad who raised her. She only saw her bio-dad during summers growing up and her step-mother was horrible to her. Her father, the man who raised her from when she was 4 was her father through and through. He was my grandfather, I was his 1st granddaughter. Your family is who is there for you and that is that. I named my son after my Papa (mom’s step-dad). I have forgotten that we are not “blood” related.
Now, if you feel like you HAVE to invite him then don’t. And because you’re asking our opinions here is mine – he absolutely does NOT deserve to walk you down the aisle – not at all. Even HE should understand that. The person that “gives you away” is a person who is an important part of your life. Being biologically related doesn’t guarantee that job.
There is no reason to invite people that you haven’t seen in years. A wedding is about people you know sharing your day. It isn’t about making everyone happy and increasing your wedding bill so that they are happy.
If you are really torn about the aisle thing (not sure if you really are) then consider your mother walking you down the aisle. You also have to decide if he really wants to come to the wedding FOR you or to make himself look “good” to the rest of the family.
Or you can just tell a little white lie – say you eloped and don’t tell him. Just kidding…do what makes YOU happy and if your day will be filled with stress then its not worth it.
Good luck to you…
Post # 5
I can completely relate to this post!! My mom sent and email asking my dad if he planned to help at all with the wedding, and he wrote back saying that we were “using his good intentions to get his money” (I can assure you that this is completely ridiculous and so backwards of him-he’s just not a good man, or a good father. He ended that email by saying he wasn’t coming to the wedding, so I kind of feel like I dodged a bullet.
It might cause drama, but here’s what I would honestly do: I would invite your dad but definitely have your step-dad walk you down the aisle, and I would write your dad explaining the situation, while saying you understand this might be upsetting but you thought the best route was to be truthful.
I realize that’s not an easy option, just giving you some thoughts! I wish you SO much luck!
Post # 6
Do what you want, and what makes you happy. If YOU want a relationship with him, invite him, and if you don’t – which I don’t think enough people realize is also totally okay – then don’t. If you choose to invite him, manage your expectations (for instance, I wouldn’t count on him for financial help with the wedding… plan that you won’t get it, and if you do, it’ll be a nice surprise) and do exactly what you want in terms of his involvement. You do NOT have to apologize for choosing someone else to walk you down the aisle, for instance. And if he doesn’t like it, simply say, “this is what I’ve decided, and I hope that you’ll respect my decision.” Repeat it like a broken record.
That’s what I’m doing, anyway 🙂 I know this is a tough boat to be in, but I think it’s really important for brides like us to put ourselves first and not feel like we have to please our absent fathers or anyone else. Until this point, they got to make all the decisions about how they would be in (or not be in) our lives – now it’s our turn.