Post # 1
This will be long and rambling so I apologise in advance.
My mother had me with a fairly unreliable guy when she was 22. For reasons I don’t want to share on the internet, they broke up and I was never allowed to see him. The last time he saw me was Christmas day when I was three. Mom claims he never tried to contact her or have a relationship with me until I was about eleven years old. I then recieved an over the top gift and card, but he had to go through my aunt because my mother was afraid of him stalking her. When I was about thirteen, he found me on Myspace and saved one of my pictures and posted it on his page, gushing about how beautiful I was. This year apparently just before my birthday he sent me a Facebook message wishing me a happy birthday and giving me his phone number, telling me to call or text him.
This outlines all the contact I have ever had from him, but if there were other attempts I don’t know about them.
I was also recently aquainted (on Facebook) with some of my half siblings from him, and from Facebook stalking them, I have learned that he has lately had cancer and that it has gone into remission.
I have never really wanted a relationship with him, but gaining some distance from all of my family recently has made me wonder if that’s a mistake and if I should message him back and give him a chance. Any advice?
Post # 2
I think you should give it a chance. And I say this as a mom of a daughter whose dad has basically dropped out of her life. You really only know one side of the story. I would never try to dissuade my daughter from having a relationship with her bio father- especially as an adult. But of course only if you feel comfortable about it. If you feel it might bring too much heartache, I could understand that too.
Post # 3
For me it would be a no most likely. But if you really want to you should contact him. Keep in mind that is may very well upset your mom when she finds out. And it may become one of those “I’m not coming to your wedding if he does” situations. :/
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
You know, it totally depends on you and how you’re feeling. He has been a shitty dad so far. But, he has always wondered and thought about you and has made a few attempts to try. Now that you’re an adult, you get to decide what you want to do.
I would say to give him a chance. Get to know him as an adult. It might not be perfect, but it’s an opportunity to get to know him. I believe in second chances. We all do things we regret in our youth. Maybe give him a chance to make it right, if just a little bit.
My husband has a son in Scotland that he hasn’t seen or been able to contact for 10 years. He is now 13 and we hope he will reach out when he’s 18 and want to know who his bio dad is. He can’t contact him now, because of a complicated family situation. I wish he would. Anyway, good luck. these things are always tricky.
Post # 5
My situation is somewhat similar to yours; my mom had me young and I never grew up with my dad. We occasionally talk but we will never have a normal father daughter relationship. But I never shut him out, I’ve accepted it is what it is. Give him a chance bee. Maybe he’s a different person now.
Post # 6
this is absolutely none of my business, but since you asked, I’ll give you my opinion. If I were in your shoes, I would not have a relationship with this guy.
If he had wanted to, this man could have been in your life from day one. He could have provided financial support or at least a shoulder to lean on. Casual social media contact does not a relationship make.
I suspect that if you try to get close you will only be disappointed. Of course, it’s your choice to open yourself up to that experience.
Post # 7
My mom has always told me that she would never hold it against me if I wanted a relationship with him. She was actually really curious when my siblings got in touch. I could definitely understand if she did get upset though, since she has spent so much time trying to protect me from him. Not that he’s dangerous I don’t think, just reckless with other people’s emotions.
Post # 8
It really depends if you want to or not. Like a PP said you only heard one side of the story. My DH and my own dad had similiar stories of absentee fathers who wanted nothing to do with them. Come to find out both their mothers refused contact and even want as so far to get rid of letters and gifts. My dad recently found out he was taken to the park so his dad could see him – only at a distance. DH found out his mother lied about a lot of things from his childhood.
Again, these are the experiences I’ve been witness to. Not all are like this. It might be a heartbreaking meeting or it might be heartwarming. Really no way to tell. Either way – perhaps it would bring you closure.
Post # 9
Eh it’s obviously up to you, but be careful. My mom had me young and my dad was in and out of my life in my younger years, but I’ve not seen him 10+ years. His newest Girlfriend added me on FB last year and so they have a bit of idea what’s going on in my life now. She does the same sort of thing and writes those gushy things, wishes happy birthday, etc.
He had a son before me, and I’ve kept in good contact with him (half brother), his wife and their kids. They’ll be invited to my wedding, but he won’t. He just has nothing to offer, and at this point in my life I dont see the point of bringing up past heartache.
Post # 10
well this case you can gove him a chance. Just before you get close to him make a decision regarding what would happend if you had to chose to only have one of your parents there and make sure both of them are aware of your decision. This will hoppefully save you some heartache if it comes to this…
Post # 11
I vote for giving it a chance. Go slowly, protect your heart, but it’s worth a shot. He has tried to make some contact over the years, you only have your mom’s version of the story, and people do change. Most of us have done some stupid stuff as young people that we wouldn’t think of doing after we’ve matured a bit. It may not work out and you certainly do not have to make the effort, but if you don’t would you ever think back and wonder “what if”.
Post # 12
Personally I would continue my life without him.
Post # 13
If it were me I wouldn’t let him into my life.
Background: I have been out of contact with my Dad for 9 years after he gave me reason not to trust him on several occasions and had violent outbreaks. This it probably the reason I gave my answer, therefore my opinon is most likely biased by my experience.
Post # 14
Yes give him a chance. My male friend who is in his mid-40’s now had a child with a German woman when they were in their early 20’s. They split up afterwards and he was never able to see to the child again until one day he found the boy (who is now a young man) on facebook. Just because your father was not there doesn’t mean he doesn’t love or think about you all the time – well i can only say that about my friend’s experience. I know it pains him to not have be there for the boy but he didn’t have custody rights and they lived in different countries. He had depression over this (which his son does not even know about to this day)
Post # 15
As someone who both had an absent father and who has an adult child with an absent father, I would say do whatever you need to satisfy any curiosity you may have, but don’t have too many expectations. These things often fizzle out after that initial curiosity has been satisfied.
I’d also say go in with an open mind and don’t let him get away with excuses. My daughter’s father said he would refuse to see her if I asked for child support, but that when she grew up he would tell her that I refused him access. Lovely.