- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
I’m pre-apologizing for the length of this…but I would truly appreciate anyone reading and responding. This is a very difficult topic for me.
Four years ago I met my birth mother. I was adopted as a baby and waited 24 years to meet the woman that gave birth to me and gave me to the family that I love. She was 15 years old, abandoned by her mother, and made the best decision of her life by letting me go to a family that was waiting their entire lives for a little girl. Five years ago I decided to give in to the hole in my heart and I opened my adoption file with social services. I found a letter from her that she had put in about a year prior. I contacted her husband and a year later my boyfriend (now fiancé) and I headed to Canada to meet the woman that gave me life.
The weekend is a blur for me. Out of 4 days in Vancouver, I remember about 2 hours in all. Ryan (my now fiancé) was my rock and lead me through the very tough time and I somehow came out the other side a better woman.
The drama starts AFTER that weekend. My birth mother clearly wanted to start a mother/daughter relationship with me, and I was not ready (nor did I want) this. She was calling her children my brother and sister, emailing me daily, spilling her emotions all over my computer screen. (When in Canada she forced me to meet her children and friends even though I adamantly opposed this – I wasn’t ready for it). Three years ago I decided to be honest, and perhaps a bit harsh. I told her I had a family and that I didn’t want a new one. I didn’t want her to be my mother, I didn’t want to have daily contact, and I didn’t want to feel pulled by her to enter something that was her idea and not mine. This put a strain on our relationship and the contact dwindled to “catch up” emails about once every couple months.
In December I emailed her to let her know Ryan had proposed and that I was so happy and excited to get married. She responded with no congratulations, but instead to tell me she was upset with me for posting about a genetic disorder I had recently found out about, telling me that I had hurt her by telling other people about this. I never responded because I found it to be utterly ridiculous that she was hurt when I was the one dealing with geneticists daily and finding out I might never be able to have children and will never be able to live without pain.
Fast forward to last weekend. Friday afternoon I get an email from her telling me she IS IN MY CITY (Sacramento, Cali) and wants to have lunch. WTF?!?!? I immediately consulted Ryan and we decided (after muuuuuch deliberation and anxiety) to have dinner with her on Monday. I invite my parents – they are my sanity. They are my support. They will help me through when I can’t breathe.
To my surprise – dinner was actually good. Her children were with her, my parents and fiancé with me. This is the first time she was able to see ME. My family, my life, my town, all of what I am. My dad, bless his awkwardness, even brought up the day they got to take me home (her handing me over to him) with her. I felt for the first time that we might actually be able to have an ongoing relationship now that she saw and understood that I wasn’t seeking a mother or family.
Ok…if you’re still reading, I officially love you.
Our wedding is in 2013, I have plenty of time to think about this, but I’d like to have time to process my decision.
Do I invite her to the wedding? Do I risk spending our wedding day worrying about her interactions and thoughts? Do I instead feel the guilt for not inviting her? (No children are invited to the wedding unless in the Wedding Party – so her children will not be attending even if invited). And if we do invite her – who the heck does she sit with????
My fiancé supports me 100% in this but we are having a hard time deciding which of the two “evils” are easier to live with. Please advise. And my sincerest thanks for reading.