Post # 1
Ok I was adopted when I was 3 days old. It was a closed adoption so my whole childhood I knew I was adopted but my parents are (and always will be) the people who raised me. Fast forward when I’m 20 I get a phone call that my birthmom wants to be in contact with me. The curiosity is overwhelming and I agree to write and email with her. Eventually we met. We have had one big falling out where we didn’t talk for about 6 months. This had to do with the fact my birthmom would always send me emails about how her biggest regret was giving me up and she wished she would have raised me, etc. Hard to deal with so I cut off communication for a while. Since then things are good, we email and facebook chat about once a week or so. My thing is when I get married (not engaged yet, but it is coming) how will I handle the picture situation and just everything. Should I take pictures with her? Do they sit at the family table? What do you guys think? I don’t want to offend anyone (my parents or my birthmom) Another thing I also have a half sister and brother (from my birthmom) who since I met my birthmom I have been pretty close with my sister. I am planning on having her in my wedding party which I feel will make the whole picture problem even more of a problem. Thanks for reading and giving me advice.
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I’m thinking you might want to handle this like how I am with my amicably divorced parents. We’re going to do one large family (aunts, uncles, etc.) picture with EVERYbody, then I’ll do separate ones with each side (“family” photos tend to be more for parents, anyway.) I wouldn’t seat them at the same table-if you do a sweetheart table, she could sit with your half sister and brother.
Post # 4
@rebwana: I agree about the pics, and also the seating.
OP, I would NOT sit her with your parents. And if it were me, I think I would ask her to refrain from telling you how she regrets what she did. What’s done is done, and putting that kind of guilt on you is just unfair. You didn’t ask to be born or adopted, and its not right that she is projecting that kind of uncomfortable guilt on you.
I would treat her like an aunt – she is your close relative, but she doesn’t compare to your parents.
Post # 5
I’m adopted also, and I’m inviting my birth sisters (they will be 2 of my bridesmaids), but no birthparents (we are not close). I agree that you shouldn’t seat the birthmother at the same table as your mother. It honestly sounds like your birthmom is struggling with her wish of how things could be, and she may feel hurt that your mom there, period. Were it me, I would have a head table for your immediate family, then seat her with your half siblings at a separate table. Include her (and your half-siblings) in the pictures with the larger family, but not in the immediate family pictures.
Post # 7
I was adopted when I was three months old, but the situation was a little odd. My biological mother was a drug abuser and neglected me as an infant. My grandparents on my father’s side adopted me, and my birth mother eventually divorced my bio father and didn’t have anything to do with me until I was around 5-6 years old. She would write me letters and sign them “Mom (her name here)” which was really confusing and I never liked it. Fast forward to now, my adoptive parents are passed away and my birth mother and I exchange letters and she’ll send my children presents for holidays and such, but I don’t feel the need to include her in much of the wedding. That being said I will have seperate pictures with just her, her husband and I so I can give her prints, but they will most definitely not be shots that I will choose for my album. I don’t have a ‘family’ table per se, so I”ll just sit them wherever they fit.
If all you really have stressing you is the picture situation, just chill. 🙂 All you have to do is pull her in for a shot or two and then it’s over with. I’m sure your adoptive parents won’t be offended.
Post # 8
Sounds like a tough spot for you to be in. I’m adopted as well, though I’ve never met my birth family. I agree with the previous advice not to sit her at the family table. Although she gave birth to you and you have started to form a relationship with her as an adult, she is not family in the same sense as the family who raised you. She needs to respect that boundary. I think its great that you’ve also connected with your half sister and want her in your wedding party. I wouldn’t stress too much about the pictures – its really up to you to decide who you want in them or not. If you are okay with it, it would probably be very meaningful/special for your birth mom to have a photo taken with just you two, or with you and your half-siblings as well. But I wouldn’t have her standing in with the rest of your immediate family.
Best of luck to you!
Post # 9
Separate tables, separate photos. You WILL hurt ypur adoptive parents if your birthmom is given equal billing in the seating and pics.
Post # 10
Thank you so much for all the responses! I was never planning to have them at the same table as my parents. I’m thinking I’ll just have a few pictures with her and my half siblings, like you said so she can have the pictures. Thanks again!