Post # 1
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
Here is the dilemma. My birthday falls within days of Christmas (usually a suck for those of us ‘Christmas’ babies), and we usually get together with the in laws for Christmas and they will give me any birthday presents or cards then. My Brother-In-Law and SIL give only a Christmas present (which is another rant entirely). SIL has a birthday in the summer and they usually BBQ at their house to celebrate. (We only go to see our niece and nephew who we otherwise wouldn’t get to spend time with.)
DH and I are conflicted as to giving a gift this year. We have in the past, but I am annoyed with the inequality of it. Are we are giving a gift just because they are hosting a family gathering to celebrate? is my birthday less special because it is Christmas week and (I feel) we don’t need to make family travel to two get togethers in a week? DH and Brother-In-Law exchange cash/giftcards on each others birthdays, so it isn’t that SIL and Brother-In-Law don’t recognize birthdays, they just ignore mine.
Do I look bad for not giving a birthday gift when I haven’t received one in 3 years?
If DH pushes back on my no gift idea, what do you think of making the gift a dollar store treasure, which might passive aggressively make my point. (The last giftcard we gave, thinking they would use it with the kids, SIL gave to her sister (thank you Facebook) and our niece and nephew didn’t even get to enjoy it!)
Thank you in advance for your ideas and thoughts. I’m sorry if I sound whiny, the whole in-laws thing is just very frustrating at times and I am looking for solutions because I don’t want to have to keep dealing with the same negative feelings about this each year for the rest of my life.
Post # 3
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
I would give a gift. I would NOT give a passive agressive gift. You are better off giving nothing. I am also a Christmas baby, and none of my inlaws ever remember. It is frustrating. The gift has nothing to do with her, it’s about you doing the right thing and taking the higher road.
Post # 4
Member
4113 posts
Honey bee
@MrsTVLover: tthat yes, give a gift because you are a good person and its what you should do. It can be small/Inexpensive but you should give something.
Post # 5
Member
47421 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Most families I know just stop giving birthday gifts to adults- often because there are more and more kids and eventually grandkids to buy for. I would have that discussion with your DH.
Post # 6
Member
3679 posts
Sugar bee
I think birthday presents are more appropriate for children, honestly. I wouldn’t make a big deal out of this.
Post # 7
Member
1006 posts
Bumble bee
Wait, you’re upset because they don’t give you a bday gift but they get you a Christmas gift? I don’t want to be mean but that seems nitpicky to me. It would be annoying to get someone two separate gifts and be like, this one is for your birthday and this one is for Christmas. In my family, birthday & christmas gifts are given to children usually under 16, and then if the adults are going to someone’s house for the holiday they bring a hostessy type gift. And it sounds like you’re also upset because you gave a giftcard to SIL for HER birthday (correct me if I’m misunderstanding) and she didn’t use it on the kids? Why should she? Unless it’s their birthday, it’s not their gift.
I think you should give a hostess type gift (wine, potted plant, expensive sweets, whatever) because they’re having a party and leave it at that. Then you can sort of ignore her birthday in the way she’s ignoring yours and feel like it’s more fair?
Post # 8
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
Oh for heaven’s sake just get her a gift. This sounds petty IMO. My birthday is a couple days after Christmas and half the time my in-laws forget or just give a lump sum of cash for the holidays. Does it matter? Not really.
I couldn’t imagine NOT giving a gift if you are going to something that she is hosting. Grab a bottle of wine or a cake or a potted plant or something and be done with it.
Post # 9
Member
10634 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
If your DH and Brother-In-Law just exchange GCs/money maybe as a family you should discuss stopping gifts altogether? It can be hard to come up with 2 gifts so close together.
SIL has a Christmas birthday. She insists on separate gifts, as a carryover from when she was a kid, which I get. I’ve gotten her 2 separate gifts for a while, but she doesn’t do a bday gift for me! We’ve stopped spending the money for 2 occassions though, we just give her 2 smaller gifts.
Do your inlaws maybe spend more but just get the 1 gift for you?
If you don’t give a bday gift, I agree you should bring something. They same way you would if a friend hosted a BBQ.
Post # 10
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
The Hostess gift is a PERFECT solution!
Post # 11
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
Get her a gift. Perhaps she is getting you a larger Christmas present to combine the Christmas and birthday presents and you don’t realize it? Either way, it’s not a big deal and I think it would do worse damage to not give a gift or to give her a passive aggressive dollar store present.