Post # 1
I am very hesitant to put this out there (thus the anon account) because I am so confused myself. I hope someone can help guide me through my feelings? (I don’t even know if “feelings” is the right word for this.) Nonetheless, I was recently listening to a podcast that finally gave me the push to put this out in the open.
Some background: I’ve only ever dated men. I’ve only ever had romantic and sexual relationships with men. I am currently married and completely in love with a man. However, I always dream about women.
Since I first learned about porn, I have watched girl-on-girl porn. Male and female porn never turned me on. I have pretty regular sex dreams involving other women and myself. And, although I think this one is pretty common, I am more than willing to admit when I have a “girl crush” on another woman.
Regardless, I have never even considered having a relationship with another woman and the thought of having sex with another woman doesn’t really appeal to me. I can also say, other than celebrities, I can’t really say I’ve had a crush on a woman in real life.
So what is going on here?
The podcast I was listening to had a guest host who is bisexual talking about her experiences as a bisexual woman. Some people wrote in questions and as she was going through them, a lot of them seemed to touch on my situation which is what really got me thinking about it. I don’t need a “label” necessarily for what this is/what my sexuality is, but am I alone in these feelings?
And for the record, I have no problem with being gay or bi or any other label. So this is not a case of me worrying that I might be gay. It’s just a I-don’t-understand-why-I-have-the-feelings-I-do post.
Thanks for reading…
** Also, please nobody tell me this is a troll post. I am being very open and honest right now about something I am very confused about. I tried to talk to one of my best friends about it and she just didn’t understand and thought I was making it up. It was almost heartbreaking for me to hear that. I am not looking for hate here.
Post # 2
I’m bi, and am married to a man. I share almost all the feelings you wrote about. I have dated women, and really only fantasize about women, but in real life I prefer being with men. I was really confused for a long time. I don’t truly know how to label myself either, so I go with bisexual. I feel like a lot of your confusion stems from the fact that you never dated/ were with other women. I don’t have much advice for you other than to keep exploring your sexuality. I’m not saying that I think you should go cheat on your husband, but rather to be confident in yourself and your partner, and to know that your desires are NORMAL 😊
Post # 3
I think what you’re feeling is totally normal. Some more conservative Bees might disagree with me, but I fully believe that sexuality falls on a spectrum. Some people are completely straight and some completely gay, but the majority of people seem to fall somewhere along the spectrum. I personally identify as bisexual because I have dated women. What you choose to label yourself–if you label yourself at all–is a very personal thing and doesn’t have a right or wrong answer.
As for myself, even though I identify as bi, I tend to go for men and am currently engaged to a man. I’ve know bi women who tend to go for women. I’ve also known men who identify as straight but who’ve experimented with or been sexually attracted to other men. Sexuality is a lot more fluid than people want to admit.
Post # 4
Thank you. That already makes me feel a million times better about my confusion. Ha.
Post # 5
Perhaps if you look at it as a spectrum- some bisexual people have loving relationships &/ or sexual encounters with men and women pretty equally, some are drawn more to opposite sex partners but still open to same sex partners, some are drawn more to same sex partners but still open to opposite sex partners. There are also people who are transgender, gender fluid, cis-gender, and questioning (bi-curious could be included in this). I’m including transgender and cis-gender here under the LGBTQ umbrella, however these refer to gender identity and not necessarily sexuality. A trans-woman can be straight or gay or bisexual or gender fluid etc.
I think as more and more people recognize that these differences are natural and not taboo, there will be more acceptance and positivity. Some societies have long recognized that there are more than 2 gender possibilities, including some First Nations and Asian societies.
As for why you’re having these feelings, I think this is simply part of who you are and these are normal feelings. Even if you are questioning, bi-curious, bisexual etc, you can still be completely in love with your husband. What this means, to use myself as an example because I’m also in a happy heterosexual marriage, is that I’m just as capable as anyone else of being faithful and monogamous to him, but if I was single and dating I’d be open to dating someone who was anywhere on the LGBTQ spectrum.
Post # 6
lol we pretty much said the same thing- but you explained it better 🙂
Post # 7
Have you expressed these feelings to your husband? Maybe he will be ok with you exploring this area together.
Post # 8
Hi there. I’m a bisexual woman and had a very similar experience to you for a long time. In fact, despite fantasizing about women and hooking up with girls in college, I thought I was straight. I thought all straight girls got crushes on women. And I thought my actual crushes on women were just deep friendships and I just really, really liked the girl in question. One of the problems is that when you grow up in a heterosexual society, it’s hard to recognize that what you’re feeling is different from what’s “normal” because of all the conditioning. The more I’ve admitted and accepted my bisexuality, the deeper it’s become. I originally felt like I could never love a girl (just date them and be intimate with them) but now I think I can. If I were to break up with my SO, I would date women. It’s not like I magically became more queer, I’ve just integrated it more into my identitiy and become more comfortable with it. Just keep exploring this part of your identitiy. It WILL get easier and feel more normal with time.
Post # 9
Kinsey said it best though! 😛
Post # 10
I’m on the conservative side of things, but I have tons of friends in the lgbt community. My husband managed a bar in college and that about 5 yrs before was considered a “gay bar” and a lot of people just loved the bar in general so they continued to come even after new ownership and a remodel- I met soo many people with such different preferences when it came to their sexuality.
I personally think that for some people, we have been so exposed to sex for so long that it becomes confusing. I am married to a man and would never have a sexual or romantic relationship with a woman even if I wasn’t because of my beliefs. I do however, see how it can happen. I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman who hasn’t had some type of “girl crush”. Like you said, I have seen some actresses and said “wow, she is hot” but at the same time, given the opportunity (faith and marriage aside) I would never want to actually have sex with her. I can for sure appreciate that a woman is sexy and I think that most females are more sensual than most males which is a big thing for a lot of women, but I’ve never wanted to actually have a sexual encounter with a woman IRL.
Post # 11
sexuality and gender identity isn’t as cut and dry as society makes it out to be. We have over the last 30 years or so become more open as a society to the variations in sexuality and gender identity but we have still have defined it in such a basic term by categorizing people as heterosexual or under the limited LBGTQ umbrella. I think many people don’t rigidly fall into one of the categories that we have come up with to define sexuality. I don’t think you are alone in this inability to categorize yourself because the definitions for each are so limiting.
Also plenty of people fantasize about scenarios and watch types of porn that they wouldn’t necessarily participate or want to physically do in IRL. In that regard I don’t think your situation is any different than most. I think many people are similar to you in this regard. I wouldn’t try to categorize yourself but just accept this as being who you are and enjoy whatever your imagination comes up with during your REM cycle.
Post # 12
I’m as straight as an arrow, but I’m also familiar with some of your feelings. I think girl-on-girl porn can be more appealing towards us, as women, because we identify with the sensations rather than depending largely on visual stimuli for arousal (as men generally do). Whenever I watched porn, I always looked at the women…how they were being touched, what they were receiving, and how they were reacting to it. I wasn’t being turned on by the women, I was being turned on by women’s pleasure because I could relate to it…girl-on-girl is just double that.
I can find a woman’s body visually appealing as well, however I’ve never had sexual desires for a woman, which I think really defines sexuality. If sex with a woman doesn’t appeal to you, then I’d say you’re probably heterosexual…but I also don’t think you need to put a lable on yourself, unless you’re just more comfortable with one. 🙂
As PP has said, it’s pretty common for most people to fantasize or explore things they wouldn’t normally do. Just becuase you watch girl-on-girl or dream about it doesn’t necessarily mean you need a new lable.