Bit of a rant/need advice: FMIL & Fiance's ex

posted 1 year ago in Family
  • poll: Is FMIL being disrespectful?

    Yes!

    No, you're being crazy

    Something else - please leave a post

  • Post # 33
    Member
    13928 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    Why are you both just sitting around waiting for it to happen again? Your fiance admits his mother dislikes you. He needs to stand up to her and demand she treats you with respect or else. Do you know what her problem with you is? 

    Post # 36
    Member
    699 posts
    Busy bee

    Mom needs to be talked with about that. I would expect your bf to talk to her. My husbands brothers family was really close with his first wife. So much so that he has since remarried and has been with his current wife for 7 years however, the ex still comments on the families pictures every now and then when it comes to the extended family and such on fb and they reciprocate BUT we definitely wont talk about her in front of the brother and we sure as hell wouldn’t compare and contrast them. Jesus. LOL

    I think that if it didn’t make you uncomfortable it might be a different story but bee, ya, he needs to ask his mom to stop. She and the family or whoever wants can still communicate but they need to leave you out of it. 

    I would love to see the mother and you become closer as well. Maybe your boyfriend can somehow triangulate that with his mom and you so you all can work towards healthy boundaries once established. But yes, they need to be established. 

     

    Post # 37
    Member
    46 posts
    Newbee

    View original reply
    @beantime:  I fail to see how the OP is being controlling for not wanting her Future Mother-In-Law to keep bringing up an awful ex and throwing her in her face. Controlling would be for the OP to tell her Future Mother-In-Law not to talk to the ex at all on her own time but to not want to constantly be compared to and hear about her fiance’s ex is not being controlling that’s wanted to be treated with respect as the women her fiance is choosing to marry and as a new member of FMIL’s family. I would hardly call wanting to be treated with respect by family being controlling. If anything OP isn’t being assertive and controlling enough by allowing this to happen. 

    Also, for Future Mother-In-Law to tell her son not to bring his own fiance on vacation is overstepping and out of line let alone for her to invite her son’s ex and her son but leaving his current fiance out? Hell no that is definitely not on anyway you look at it Future Mother-In-Law mind as well flat out stand up and state I want you to still be married to your ex not to your current fiance. If anything Future Mother-In-Law is being the controlling one in this scenario by telling her son who not to bring on vacation and pretty much forcing his ex on him. 

     

    I’m gonna end with this let’s say the OP was being controlling, which she definitely isn’t why is it the job of her fiance’s mother to “keep her in line” so to speak? Who gave her that role? Her son is a grown adult and I’m pretty sure has his own voice.

    Post # 38
    Member
    7800 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    The pet thing is a GREAT example of a way to set and keep some boundaries. 

    Calling the night before to take care of pets? No way jose! “Sorry mom, we already have plans and this is really short notice. Unfortunately we can’t swing it this time.” YES the first time (few times) will SUCK. THey will try to guilt him. They will claim they will now have to cancel their trip. But, isnt that their own fault? They could have given more notice. They could have taken the dogs to a kennel. But they CHOSE not to. I almost think they are leaving it later as a manipulation tactic so he feels like he HAS to take them, or else parents cant go on trip. 

    I will say, my husband comes from a culture where kids are very submissive to their parents, and his parents used to take great advantage of it. It took a little bit of work to get him to see how unreasonable some of their requests were, but he’s pretty good at calling them out now. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    149 posts
    Blushing bee

    “Mom, you are just making an ass of yourself. Please stop.”

    Post # 40
    Member
    1235 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    You are an opinionated person who has no problem voicing her opinions and wants and setting boundaries. Your FH isn’t.

    The problem this then creates in your relationship is that just like he allows his family to steamroll him and doesn’t stand up for himself to them, he will do and does the same thing in his relationship with you. As a significant other, you want to help him stand up for himself, and you, and set his boundaries for him, but only he can do that

    You can’t give him genuine opinions and boundaries that he doesn’t have.

    Does he stand up to you?

    “we do have a specific situation where he is going to be the one who stands up to his mom and puts his foot down, and we have discussed specifically what he will say if she brings up the ex again.” The problem with this is even when he does do this it isn’t him taking the initiative and expressing his genuine feelings, it is him doing what you want and saying what you want. You are left wondering if he is just going along with this because of you and as he has never said anything before, it is.

    Personally, I think you should be the one to say something. “MIL you bring up ex a lot and it makes me uncomfortable….xyz, share your feelings.” But I wouldn’t give FH feelings and opinions he doesn’t have or make him do something that’s out of character. His mom will know immediately it wasn’t his idea. Have boundaries but don’t put your boundaries on him.

    “I don’t want to interact more than necessary and neither does my fiancé.” Does he really feel this way or is he just going along with what you want him to.. with easily influenced people like him there is no way to really know.

    In relationships like this unless the other person has a personality transplant and suddenly has their own opinions and boundaries and wants to set them your entire relationship will be you “influencing” him. But all that is just him going along with what he thinks you want him to do or adopting your opinions and boundaries as his own when they aren’t.

    Personally, I find these relationships to be exhausting, and don’t think the two of you are compatible. I think you would be happier with a more assertive person who has their own opinions and boundaries.

    Post # 41
    Member
    404 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    @liveitup489:  I never said I think the OP is controlling. I said that maybe her FMIL’s perception is that she is controlling based on what she has said in her replies. And the OP has confirmed exactly what I said. Her Future Mother-In-Law is making passive aggressive comments because she doesn’t like her and thinks she’s too opinionated. To clarify, I think her issue is with her Fiance. He needs to set boundaries with his mother. It’s not OPs role/responsibility and it’s clearly affecting any relationship she will ever have with her future in-laws.

    Post # 42
    Member
    83 posts
    Worker bee

    I think your Future Mother-In-Law has some serious boundary issues and doesn’t know what’s appropriate – she didn’t intervene when her son started dating the exchange student their family was hosting. That is 100% inappropriate and I’m fairly certain is against the contract and agreement to house exchange students. 

    And with how she’s treating you? She is entirely disrespectful and her behavior is unacceptable. Your fiance needs to stand up to her and consistently enforce boundaries or this will never get better.

    Post # 43
    Member
    2523 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    @mrsg20:  OP, I feel like I really get you because I’m also really opinionated and open about my feelings. I also tend to attract quieter people. I’m lucky in that my husband is better at setting boundaries than me!

    Honestly, you need to stop ‘helping’. When you do this, you send the message that you don’t trust your fiance to handle things, and while he may be fine deferring to you or accepting your guidance the relationship dynamic is not a healthy one and likely to cause resentment for the both of you. 

    His family should hear things from HIM, not you. You absolutely should not take the phone from him to talk to his own relatives. That’s not respectful to your partner. Likewise, while you should be involved in discussing boundaries with your fiance, you should not be involved with dictating boundaries to his family at all. Everything told to your fiance’s family should come from him. Not you. When it comes from you, you become a scapegoat for everything his family doesn’t like. They will point at you as the catalyst of the problems. You need to learn to step waaaay back. 

    Post # 44
    Member
    82 posts
    Worker bee

    I have a very different approach.

    Don’t give shit. Sorry for the words. You are right. You are being mocked. Your future mother in law doesn’t like you. And she does this to frustrate you.

    Your fiancee has to know where he stands. Don’t take the phone off his hand. He is the person who hast to learn to say no.

    This ex is no one. No threat. No contact to him. Your mother in law loves her so much more over you? Than she should marry her. 

    Block. And never ever mention her again. Look what happens! You are having stress because of her! That’s what she wants. Give NO ENERGY to her.

    If you don’t react, your mother in law will stop. If she sees how much it hurts, she will continue to dig deeper. Non reaction is the best action.

    However the boundaries have to be set. And don’t expect your fiancee to stop his mother. She is her own person. But he has to make you safe in this relationship with his loyalty.

    I had issues with in laws. But when it comes into the two of you, it is a sign that something is off with you too.

    You are unsafe, insecure. I am safe and secure and I do not mind if my mother in law would have an altar with my hubby’s ex. Because it is her business, not ours.

    However your boundaries are your business. Focus and work on that. Don’t give a dam about troublemakers!

    Post # 45
    Member
    68 posts
    Worker bee

    I’m a quiet person with strong boundaries married to another quiet person who is easier going than I am, while still having better boundaries than your fiance.

    For example, the first time your STBPIL tried to drop the dogs off with you without adequate notice would have been either the first time we said no, or the first time we said “fortunately we won’t have to change our plans to accommodate you but this is the first and last time we will accept the dogs, even if our plans were to lie in bed all day doing nothing”.

    I agree with elodie2019 that your fiance will most likely merely be parroting your boundaries and it will take a huge effort to change his personality to be less of a doormat. It’s possible you married him in part because he defers to you so be careful what you wish for! I don’t mean to give you a hard time about that but there are often not so positive flipsides to the traits we are attracted to in our partners. 

    Anyway, I would handle this myself by shining a light on her behaviour and making it more uncomfortable for her than it is for me for her to continue her behaviour.

    “Gracious! It really surprises me how interested you still are in the woman who cheated on your son? I have never seen a mother take a cheater’s side before. Mothers tend to have a much stronger sense of family loyalty.”

    “She’s a bit pathetic, really. I mean that sadcase woman actually stalks my social media to find out what he’s up to! You’d think she’d have moved on by now. It’s really not at all healthy for her. I’d have thought her friends would be encouraging her to seek help. Surely you have told her to get professional help in letting Fiance go?”

    “Gosh, you seem totally fixated on her to the point we can never have a conversation where you don’t bring her up. Do you think you might be a little in love with her, yourself? That would certainly explain your obsession with her and the inexplicable way you can excuse her behaviour. Father-In-Law, how do feel about their relationship? Isn’t it odd to you that Mother-In-Law cares more about that young woman than your own son?”

    You could actually have quite a bit of fun with it, depending on how far you are prepared to go.

     

    Leave a comment


    Find Amazing Vendors